CycleChat's cycling twonk of the year

[_aD]

Did someone mention that they failed to keep a crank arm up?

The dialogue:
aD: I will meet you after the hair-pin bend, I'm going to wing it down this little section of off-road.
Attorney: Righto!
20 seconds pass
aD->Self: That's a rather large tree root
Self->aD: Why are we upside down?
Another 20 seconds pass
Attorney: Where the heck did you go? That track is 300 yards long if that!
aD: Don't look at my leg. Or my chain ring. Let's just go.
I take the lead and continue down the straight road.
Attorney: What the...oh my god it's HORRIBLE! I can't look at it! Make it go away.
aD: I SAID DON'T LOOK
Attorney: I can't help but watch, it's sickening. Get behind me, I can't stand it!

 

[September]

aD: Don't look at my leg. Or my chain ring. Let's just go.

What happened to your leg?! That's a pretty bonkers bend in your chain ring!...

 

[_aD]

It was one of those misadventures where one's pride is harmed far worse than body. I had a big enough cut to make it look like I'd fallen off. Thankfully, I was only doing walking pace when the chain ring dug into the root and catapulted me.

 

[September]

Blimey - sounds like you got off lightly mate. That really does look like it took some effort!

 

[mysticmeg]

Lovely off road flat meandering cycle track along old disused canal, France I think it was, nice but not wide enough to cycle side by side. Fully laden tourers. A problem with mine - twig wedged in between wheel and mudguard so I yell for him to wait up , I sort it out realising at the same time my brakes are so loose they wouldnt stop a small child let alone a fat middle aged cyclist on a heavily laden bike. I look up and realise he hadn't heard me and was now way way in front, next county in front. So I put the hammer down to catch him up and as I get closer start to yell wait , slow up, wait. Unfortunately by the time he hears or just realises he is on his own and puts on his rather more effective brakes I have no chance of stopping and all I can do is aim to try and pass him. My panniers clip his, the bike stops and I fly gracefully into the air and land head down in the reeds which now fill the canal or stream wedged in so that I can do is wave my legs in the air til he pulls me out laughing fit to bust.

Or the stretch in ireland where we had taken off the helmets as it was a safe quiet road, got too close to each other and ended up with the helmet idly hung on one bike handlebar hooking the other one and bringing us both painfully to the ground.

 

[Ganymede]

Lovely off road flat meandering cycle track along old disused canal, France I think it was, nice but not wide enough to cycle side by side. Fully laden tourers. A problem with mine - twig wedged in between wheel and mudguard so I yell for him to wait up , I sort it out realising at the same time my brakes are so loose they wouldnt stop a small child let alone a fat middle aged cyclist on a heavily laden bike. I look up and realise he hadn't heard me and was now way way in front, next county in front. So I put the hammer down to catch him up and as I get closer start to yell wait , slow up, wait. Unfortunately by the time he hears or just realises he is on his own and puts on his rather more effective brakes I have no chance of stopping and all I can do is aim to try and pass him. My panniers clip his, the bike stops and I fly gracefully into the air and land head down in the reeds which now fill the canal or stream wedged in so that I can do is wave my legs in the air til he pulls me out laughing fit to bust.

Or the stretch in ireland where we had taken off the helmets as it was a safe quiet road, got too close to each other and ended up with the helmet idly hung on one bike handlebar hooking the other one and bringing us both painfully to the ground.

Epically ironic, both of them

 

[paddy01]

As a child, don't push your younger brother off his bike on cobbles so that he lands and splits his elbow open like a chicken fillet... your mum will go absolutely bursar.

 

[paddy01]

Oh ****....
Has anyone else just thought 'I have to try that and see' even knowing now the inevitable result. Damn you...

Been there, done that, had the butterfly stitches in the chin. I could ride with hands crossed over more or less, hopping up a curb proved to be the limit of my abilities...

 

[slowwww]

2 instances of genius childhood bike maintenance about 35 years ago, both brake related.

Firstly replacing the very worn brake blocks, the type where you slid replacement rubber blocks into the rectangular housing which was open at one end to facilitate removal and replacement. And then fitting them on the wrong side. Feeling rather proud of my efforts until I got to the bottom of the rather steep hill followed immediately by the sharp right hand turn, yanked on the anchors, and fired the brake blocks out of the housings like 2 rubber exocets. Bike ends up saddle-deep in the hedge and I sail over it into the garden beyond

I think this was after the above, but I had a very cheapo bike where I had to keep constantly cleaning the rims to prevent them pitting. Genius thought occurred that a liberal coating of Vaseline would protect them from water and dirt ingress thus making this task less frequent, but I quickly bored of this task and became rather slap-dash. I only found out that rather a lot of Vaseline had got onto the braking surface shortly before I found myself in A&E having what felt like a cubic metre of asphalt removed from my legs, arms, torso, cheek, etc.

I didn’t do much of my own maintenance after that.........

 

[cosmicbike]

As a bold 7 year old with a chopper-esq bike, I felt the need to pull big endo's, normally resulting in me going over handlebars and gaining some nice big 'egg' bruises to one's swede.
Also felt that half a scaffold board resting on 3 bricks stacked end to end was a stable ramp. I discovered not after hitting the ramp at speed, followed by my chin hitting the concrete driveway, also at speed, where it gained the look of a squashed tomato. Friends parents being helpful put a few plasters on it, oh how it hurt when the A&E nurse removed them later, replacing them with 10 stitches. Still got the scar today..

 

[EltonFrog]

1970, 12/13 years old I was cycling from Paddington to Willesden junction one sunny evening on the way back from my after school job, the traffic was flowing and this being a ride I did every day I had the cocky confidence of youth, I knew the timing of the lights, I knew the road, I was using "The Force" before anyone knew what it was, it was a ride I often tried to do without touching the handlebars all the way home, about 4 miles.

I was riding along what was then the A40 Harrow Road, the Ford Escort wasn't going very fast I thought for a split moment, then in that same moment I realised it wasn't moving at all. Me, and my shiny new Dawes Kingpin smashed in to the rear of the shiney new Ford Escort. As I was disengaging myself and dusting myself down the owner of the Escort came running out of the Wimpey, speaking to me in a manner that I'm sure would be inappropriate for a teenagers ears in 1970, checked his car over and told me to piss off. He didn't seem at all concerned for my well being. Oh well, that was 70's I guess. Did feel a bit stupid, and my dynamo light got bent, but thats all.

I've never told anyone of this until today. My mother would've gone apeshit if I had told her.

That Dawes Kingpin and I had a lot of adventures.

 

[Longshot]

I've just remembered one from riding to school at the age of about 14. The mudguard over my front wheel was rubbing the wheel and making a noise. This made me cross. I decided that the most appropriate course of remedial work would be to kick the mudguard whilst cycling along. Oops.

Still, I got a 5.9 from the Romanian Judge for artistic effort which was nice.

 

[Oldbloke]

In my late teens (1960,s) was commuting into London by train, got back to the station at midnight in a " tired and emotional" state, didn't fancy the 2 miles walk home so "borrowed until morning" an old clunker left in the bike shed.

Shot off along the road, tried to freewheel up to first junction and was launched into space followed by nose diving into tarmac..my introduction to fixies.

 

[Profpointy]

In my late teens (1960,s) was commuting into London by train, got back to the station at midnight in a " tired and emotional" state, didn't fancy the 2 miles walk home so "borrowed until morning" an old clunker left in the bike shed.

Shot off along the road, tried to freewheel up to first junction and was launched into space followed by nose diving into tarmac..my introduction to fixies.

A mate of mine had a fixie which he never bothered to lock. Went out one morning - no bike - found it in the hedge at the first corner. It had toe clips which might have contributed.

Different bike though - this was in Aberystwyth

 

[Profpointy]

I have posted this before in another thread but as it might be a contender thought worth a repeat.

Reassembling my bike after a strip down - something didn't look quite right. Was about to put the wheels back - ah - forks on upside down !

Beat that Toys-r-us - forks on backwards is almost rideable