Any good jokes ... ?

[ebikeerwidnes]

In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments.
John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.

Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

I must tell my wife that one

She loves it when I tell her jokes like that
well - she doesn;t SAY she loves then - but she married me - what did she expect!

 

[craigwend]

 

[craigwend]

An elderly couple entered a McDonald's and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over and made the order for himself.

He unwrapped the burger, cut it in half and put one half next to his wife. Carefully he counted all the fries and did the same.

He dipped 2 straws in the soda and put it between himself and his wife.

The old woman began to eat her half of the burger, while people stared at her compassionately.

A young man approached them and offered to buy them another portion of food.

The old woman replied not to bother, as they were used to sharing everything.

People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate.

The young man approached them and repeated his offer.

This time it was the old man, who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man,

And what are you waiting for then?

THE
TEETH!!!

 

[Richard A Thackeray]

 

[DaveReading]

View attachment 766265

Interestingly, the Italian word for slipper is "ciabatta".

 

[Jameshow]

In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments.
John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.

Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

You picked us up by the heart strings😍 than slammed us down!!🤣

 

[craigwend]

 

[presta]

 

[craigwend]

 

[Chris S]

View attachment 766393

It reminds me of some graffiti I saw in the 1980s. Shell invested in South Africa, somebody wrote 'Free Nelson Mandela' on a wall by one of their petrol stations. Underneath it somebody had written 'with every 4 gallons'.

 

[tyred]

I always make sure my load is secure

 

[13 rider]

I always make sure my load is secure

View attachment 766427

To ensure they hold you have to pluck them with yours fingers and say that ain't going nowhere

 

[mistyoptic]

 

[Dave7]

This guy is sat watching TV when his wife, in the kitchen, says "do you want chicken, ham or beef"?
He says I will have chicken please.
She shouts "your having soup you fat b*stard, I was talking to the cat".

 

[Dave7]

I went to the Doctor and told him I have inherited diarrhea. He said no, you can't inherit that.
I said "well it's in me jeans".