Any good jokes ... ?

[tyred]

A Texan clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers and says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

 

[classic33]

The wife of a wealthy Yorkshire business man calls their Lancastrian butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a business trip.....

"Jeeves!" she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes of course I will!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side.

'Now Jeeves, remove my knickers."

"Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor."

'Now Jeeves, says the woman, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"

 

[flopner]

Puff Puff Puff

 

[flopner]

be careful what you ask for...

 

[mikeIow]

 

[Dave7]

A man goes into a florist and says "I need a nice bunch of flowers as my wife has just given birth to twins"
The florist says "that is so nice, do you want a vase to put them in"?
He says " no thanks, we've bought a pram".

 

[craigwend]

 

[craigwend]

 

[kingrollo]

Just when you think food doesn't call you any more......

Onion Rings.

 

[Chris S]

Two Jewish men are walking past a church when they see a sign saying 'Convert to Christianity and get £500'. One of them says, "I'm up for that!" His friend tries to talk him out of it but he rushes inside. When he comes out his friend asks, "Did you get the £500?" He looks at him and says, "All you people think about is money."

 

[Dave7]

A couple have been married 60 years when the husband pops his clogs.
3 weeks A friend of her husband asks her how she's getting on and she tells him it's OK but I miss the sex.
He says "tell you what, I will buy you a vibrator", so he does that.
A month later he asks her how she is getting on with the vibrator.
She tells him "it's OK but its taking the enamel off my teeth.

 

[PaulB]

Maths is hard. Fifteen plus fifteen is thirty but sixteen plus sixteen is thirty too.

 

[tyred]

I'm finished building my ensuite.

 

[craigwend]

In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments.
John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.

Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

 

[Legs]

In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.

On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife. Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.

The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments.
John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.

Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.

The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

I think I first read that joke in The Turbulent Term of Tyke Tiler, what seemed like a million years ago.