Any good jokes ... ?

[Seevio]

 

[Smokin Joe]

I went for an interview for a bus drivers job today, but I got a puncture on the way and I was twenty minutes late.

I walked in and said, "I'm sorry I'm late."

They said, "Fantastic, you're hired".

 

[betty swollocks]

My wife just tripped and fell while carrying a huge pile of clothes she'd just ironed.
I sat and watched it all unfold.

 

[Cavalol]

My doctor diagnosed me with onomatopoeia. I said, "What the hell is that?" He said, "Exactly what it sounds like."

 

[Cavalol]

"I'd like a pair of boots that come up to the bit above the knees."
"Thighs?"
"Thix, or maybe a theven."

 

[Cavalol]

I've just found out that mc hammer isn't Scottish.

 

[Cavalol]

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

"Uno... dos... " *poof!*

... he disappeared without a tres.

 

[Cavalol]

I was busy in my garden and the neighbour looked over the fence and asked “What are you doing?”

I said “I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order”

She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time!”

Oh that's easy I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

 

[Cavalol]

When I was twelve, I jammed a tile from a Scrabble set into a Nerf gun and shot my brother in the forehead, killing him instantly. It was an accident though - I thought it was a blank.

 

[Cavalol]

When Steve Tyler told me I wouldn't be inheriting any of his vast fortune, I lost the will to Liv.

 

[Cavalol]

My friend just invited me to a Welsh soap opera exhibition.

I told him I'd Pobol y Cwm.

 

[Electric_Andy]

I bought my girlfriend a load of clothes for her birthday. When she unwrapped them, none of them fitted and she complained she'd have to send them back. I said "well, many happy returns".

 

[GM]

His Lordship was in the study at Downtown Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question my lord?"
"Go ahead Carson” said his lordship.
"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word I am not too clear on."
"What word is that?" said his lordship.
"Aplomb", my lord.
"Now that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self assurance or complete composure."
"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"
"I remember the occasion very well, my lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."
"Also”, continued the Earl of Grantham, “do you remember Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was present on that occasion, my lord, ministering to their needs."
"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."
Carson replied, "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."
"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore, Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."
"Yes, my lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."
"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate enquired of Will with a loud voice, "Darling is your prick still throbbing?"
And You, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee!

"Now that is aplomb!"

 

[AndyRM]

Theirs some horrible people about...

I heard a cat crying outside my house so I opened the front door and saw 3 men in Ayr Utd* strips playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

*Other footballing rivalries are available.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

Theirs some horrible people about...

I heard a cat crying outside my house so I opened the front door and saw 3 men in Ayr Utd* strips playing football with it. I was just about to call the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.

*Other footballing rivalries are available.

Can't think why you picked out Ayr