Any good jokes ... ?

[Skanker]

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just go ahead and finish your meal.”

For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it. “Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.

Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”

Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”

Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”

 

[Skanker]

The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.
The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.
"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.
"This is the chief, what's the problem?"
"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"
"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.
"Bigger than that" says the officer.
"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.
"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.
"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"
"Bigger" say the officer.
"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.
"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"

 

[PaulB]

To the person who stole my antidepressants. I hope you're happy now.

 

[peterdowning]

I guessed orange, but it was chocolate;

I guessed toffee, but it was peanut;

I guessed strawberry, but it was coffee... Urgh

I was wrong on so many Revels.

Revels - Russian Roulette for people with a nut allergy.

Old bit still funny...

 

[Skanker]

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."

 

[Cavalol]

Tonight's quiz.
The Bangles had a hit with...
Walk Like An
a) gyptian
b) gyptian
c) gyptian
d) gyptian
e) gyptian

 

[morrisman]

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

 

[Cavalol]

Just sold all my Blur memorabilia on eBay. All the PayPal, so many PayPal.

 

[Cavalol]

Just swapped my Beatles single for an Elton John one. Goodbye Hello Goodbye, Hello Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

 

[Skanker]

Ma & Pa were on the porch & Pa said, " You know, Ma, I'd sure like a big bowl of ice cream."

"OK, Pa", she said, as she shuffled off toward the kitchen.

"Write it down," he said, "...you'll forget"

"Oh, Pa, don't be silly"

"Write it down" he said, "cause I want some chocolate syrup on it.", he insisted.

"Ice cream..with chocolate syrup" she said, as she walked into the kitchen. 10, 15, 20 minutes passed and finally Ma came out & handed Pa a big bowl of oatmeal.

"See, Ma, what'd I tell you....you forgot the toast."

 

[Cavalol]

Just spilt Chardonnay on my UB40 single, and now it's disappeared.

 

[Chris S]

Deputy Dawg walks into a tailors and asks for their most expensive suit. "Is it for anything special?" the tailor asks. "Well," Deputy Dawg replies, "the doctor says I'm impotent so I'm going to dress impotent."

 

[bruce1530]

Never challenge the Angel of Death to a pillow fight.

There could be Reaper Cushions.

 

[AndyRM]

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a hotel.

May I examine you?

Be my guest.

 

[Skanker]

Just saw this and had to share it.

This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.