Any good jokes ... ?

[EltonFrog]

A knowledge of woodwork may be required for this joke (term used loosely) I've just written... It came to me while putting some saws away at work


My wife swore loudly... I looked across and asked what was wrong... I cant cut these intricate patterns in this wood panel.... I said well stop FRETTING then

You're a fine one to talk she replied sitting there with your bit of stick and penknife.... WHITTLING

Well I'm worried about our daughter.

Why? she asked...

Shes trying to cut a neater joint than a mitre joint on the skirting board she's fitting.... And not COPING very well

They’re just plane silly.

 

[colly]

I do not believe in horses.

Does that make me a neightheist?

 

[SpokeyDokey]

A knowledge of woodwork may be required for this joke (term used loosely) I've just written... It came to me while putting some saws away at work


My wife swore loudly... I looked across and asked what was wrong... I cant cut these intricate patterns in this wood panel.... I said well stop FRETTING then

You're a fine one to talk she replied sitting there with your bit of stick and penknife.... WHITTLING

Well I'm worried about our daughter.

Why? she asked...

Shes trying to cut a neater joint than a mitre joint on the skirting board she's fitting.... And not COPING very well

I laughed so much my ribs are saw.

 

[colly]

It has been announced today that Zoe Ball, Vanessa Feltz and Claudia Winkleman are each paid over £350,000 per year and are among the top earners at the BBC.

The over 75s of Britain must be well chuffed for them.

 

[SpokeyDokey]

Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven't had any gigs yet.

 

[ozboz]

 

[morrisman]

It has been announced today that Zoe Ball, Vanessa Feltz and Claudia Winkleman are each paid over £350,000 per year and are among the top earners at the BBC.

The over 75s of Britain must be well chuffed for them.

You don't mind that one man earns more than all of them put together?

 

[colly]

I didn't say that.

 

[Cavalol]

The Grim Reaper's wife left him for a bloke with a pair of secateurs, which proves once and for all that scythe doesn't matter.

 

[Cavalol]

I was going to buy one of Stephen King's audio books, but I've heard so many horror stories.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[morrisman]

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

 

[Threevok]

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

This has me giggling all day

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

View attachment 473688 [/QUOTE

It''s the ... in Kirk's words that make it for me. Great stuff.

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

It's a little known fact that Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden wanted to join a popular English Ska band in the late eighties, but it never happened as they'd already split due to musical differences.

Yes, back in 1988 he was asking "Can I play with Madness?"




What's that? My coat? In this weather?