Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

My granny doesn't like her newly-installed stairlift.

It's driving her up the wall.

 

[betty swollocks]

I’ve just dropped the radio on to my toes.

It megahertz.

 

[Cavalol]

Mr Wogan once asked me if was true that Toyah Wilcox never sang on any of her records.
It's a myth, Terry, I replied.

 

[Paulus]

I went to watch an Ariana Grande tribute act the other evening, Ariana Regular. I should of known it wasn't going to be that good.

 

[Chris S]

I'm still trying to work out the Bruce Willis in a lift joke.

I think 'Westlife' is phonetically similar to how Germans pronounce 'vest' and 'lift'.

Bruce Willis thought it was cool to wear a vest without a shirt. I don't know why, it didn't work for Rab C. Nesbitt.

 

[colly]

I met Jeremy Corbyn today. I told him, "Do you know my dads studied you for years. "
He replied, "Oh is he a fan of mine?"
I said "No, he's a "gynaecologist

 

[Cavalol]

 

[Arjimlad]

View attachment 470316

Pas d'elles yeux Rhone que-nous !

 

[AndyRM]

View attachment 470316

Truly awful. I've sent it to all my friends.

 

[Cavalol]

In the garden this afternoon, I absentmindedly took a swig of weedkiller instead of my beer. My missus thought it was hilarious, but I didn’t see the fungicide.

 

[T4tomo]

Today I used a Chinese frying pan to fend off a very agressive fish.

I found myself between a wok and a hard plaice.

I think you'll find the wok was between you and a hard plaice.

 

[Cavalol]

I find it hard to let certain school traditions go.

Every time I see a brick in a river, I dive in to retrieve it whilst wearing pyjamas.

 

[Cavalol]

It's really hard to get down from an elephant.



Most people get it from a duck.

 

[colly]

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03p and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.
She said "Have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."
I said "No sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"
She sarcastically said " Of course it would help"
So as I presented my card she said "Cash back?"
I said "Yes please!"
"How much?" She asked
I said "£18.97"

 

[Cavalol]

Thought I saw the first ever Scouse super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.