Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

I accidentally glued myself to my autobiography, but no-one believes me......

.....That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

[The Jogger]

I went to visit a clairvoyant, when I knocked on the door, she said, who is it, so I turned on my heel and walked away.

 

[Cavalol]

I said to my mate, "My girlfriend keeps asking me if I'm an Alice in Wonderland character, and it's getting very annoying!"

He said, "Are you mad at her?"

I said,"Don't you start!"

 

[Cavalol]

Painted half of my face like a clown today and went for a drive. Not sure anyone saw the funny side.

 

[PaulB]

 

[Cavalol]

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?

 

[Cavalol]

My ex-wife was so thick she though USB was a back up plan in case the USA fails.

 

[betty swollocks]

Today I used a Chinese frying pan to fend off a very agressive fish.

I found myself between a wok and a hard plaice.

 

[Cavalol]

I have a mahogany sculpture of a British garden bird. It would be good if I had a joke to go along with that, wouldn't it?

 

[Chris S]

I have a mahogany sculpture of a British garden bird. It would be good if I had a joke to go along with that, wouldn't it?

I'm still trying to work it out?

 

[Cavalol]

Wooden tit be nice if someone explained.

 

[EltonFrog]

I'm still trying to work it out?

I'm still trying to work out the Bruce Willis in a lift joke.

 

[colly]

Wouldn't it
Wouldn't it
Wouldn't it
Be funny
If a lady had a wooden tit
Wouldn't it
Be funny


Remembered from when l was about 8.

 

[Cavalol]

Didn't quite win the 'Astronomer of the year' award', but walked away with the constellation prize.

 

[colly]

Are you a Rangers supporter ? Feeling depressed? Lonely & alone?
Call the Samaritans on 0800 101010 .

That’s 0800 Won Nothing Won Nothing Won Nothing.