Any good jokes ... ?

[Threevok]

I went to my tailor for some new shirts

The assistant said "Can I show you something in Paisley?"

I replied : "Why ? Don't you have any in this store ?"

 

[Cavalol]

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.


She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again.

 

[MiK1138]

What do you call a man who sounds like a paper bag?


Russell.



P.S. There's a journalist called Nina Nannar currently working for ITV (she was formerly with BBC, which was where I'd first heard her name.)

What do you call a man with no pets?

Douglas

 

[fossala]

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.


She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again.

Remove the "on her", it makes more sense.

 

[TissoT]

Why was Theresa May sacked as nativity manager? Because she couldn’t run a stable government.

 

[glasgowcyclist]

What do you call a man with no pets?

Douglas

And what do you call a man with size 12 feet and no pets?

Big Shuey Douglas.

 

[doughnut]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs floating in the sea?


Bob

 

[roadrash]

Q.........whats black and white, and brown on top

A...….A nun with a monk on

 

[Cavalol]

So excited about tonight's RNLI Xmas party.

They really know how to push the boat out.

 

[Kempstonian]

A lady bought a new Lexus. It cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

"Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson".

The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again."

The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

One day, at a traffic light, the light turned green, and she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved, and narrowly missed a head-on collision.

"A***HOLE", she shouted.

And, from the radio..."Ladies and gentlemen, Lance Armstrong"

 

[LeetleGreyCells]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

 

[simon the viking]

If we are doing what do you call a Man/Woman etc jokes.... here's the most surreal one you will read.... EVER


What do call a man who has a bird of prey trained to sit on his right shoulder and a different species of the same on the left shoulder and vacuums up with lights switched off whilst listening to early 80's experimental electro-pop.....

Don't normally do spoilers.... but I thought I'd let you try to work it out before you read the punchline

Spoiler

Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in The Dark

 

[Threevok]

If we are doing what do you call a Man/Woman etc jokes.... here's the most surreal one you will read.... EVER


What do call a man who has a bird of prey trained to sit on his right shoulder and a different species of the same on the left shoulder and vacuums up with lights switched off whilst listening to early 80's experimental electro-pop.....

Don't normally do spoilers.... but I thought I'd let you try to work it out before you read the punchline

Spoiler

Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in The Dark

 

[cisamcgu]

What do you call a golfer who cuts off one of his limbs and then purchases drugs to build his upper body strength ?


Sever your arm off and buy a steroid

 

[cisamcgu]

What do you a small chocolate sweet that stands on a stage in front of a silent audience ?

A Revel without applause !