wheresthetorch
Dreaming of Celeste
- Location
- West Sussex
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Salty seadog
Space Cadet...(3rd Class...)
"Why are you late for work."
"I had my hair cut."
"Why did you have your hair cut in office time?"
"It grows in office time."
"It doesn't all grow in office time."
"I didn't have it all cut off."
Why we love children:
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father..
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
"I had my hair cut."
"Why did you have your hair cut in office time?"
"It grows in office time."
"It doesn't all grow in office time."
"I didn't have it all cut off."
Why we love children:
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father..
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,
eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
'The big sissy.'
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other - "Look, Bruce.there's that ****ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other - "Look, Bruce.there's that ****ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset. I shall be back home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"To My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Ritz Carlton with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
Pythagoras' theorem - 24 words.
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg address - 286 words.
US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words
Lord's Prayer - 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle - 67 words.
10 Commandments - 179 words.
Gettysburg address - 286 words.
US Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage - 26,911 words
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
I have downloaded this great AP. It tells you what to eat, what to wear, and even tells you if you have put weight on. It is called the Daily Mail.
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
I don't snort cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
welsh dragon
Thanks but no thanks. I think I'll pass.
Teacher". George. The essay you wrote yesterday on "My dog" was exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
George. No Miss. It is the same dog.
George. No Miss. It is the same dog.
