Joey Shabadoo
My pronouns are "He", "Him" and "buggerlugs"
Never let anyone stand in the way of your ambitions. They told Beethoven he was deaf so he couldn't be a musician, but he didn't listen.
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
A bloke was rushed to A&E with a Morphy Richards steam iron stuck up his backside.
The Doctor said "good grief, I have never seen anything like this. How did it happen"?
The bloke says " well, it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present".
The Doctor said "good grief, I have never seen anything like this. How did it happen"?
The bloke says " well, it happened just after my wife opened her birthday present".
Freds Dad
Veteran
- Location
- Gawsworth.
When I was little my mum used to feed me Alphabet Spaghetti claiming that I loved it.
I didn’t. She was just putting words in my mouth.
I didn’t. She was just putting words in my mouth.
Salty seadog
Space Cadet...(3rd Class...)
A rare occurrence granted but I took a lady home from the pub the other night, we got back to mine and with gleeful anticipation she dropped my belt buckle to the floor...
Then the gleeful twinkle dropped from her eyes as she said "I thought you said you had at least a foot?"
"no" says I, "I've got athlete's foot"
Then the gleeful twinkle dropped from her eyes as she said "I thought you said you had at least a foot?"
"no" says I, "I've got athlete's foot"
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
Jesus & the burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a DVD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a DVD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
PRICELESS
Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years . Finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctor's office and the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see now... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
The salesman smiled. "Been in the business 60 years"
Joe tried on the shirt and again it fitted perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "What about some new underpants?"
He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, " You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - £400
New shirt - £30
New underwear - £5
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years . Finally he found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctor's office and the doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see now... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
The salesman smiled. "Been in the business 60 years"
Joe tried on the shirt and again it fitted perfectly. As Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "What about some new underpants?"
He thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old. The salesman shook his head, " You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - £400
New shirt - £30
New underwear - £5
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
Took me a minute but I got it
Leaway2
Lycrist
- Location
- Manchester (Sale)
Strange, I Googled Chinese space program and got a site about a Chinese soothing pastille
Salty seadog
Space Cadet...(3rd Class...)
That's a sending off right there
swansonj
Guru
I’m sure there’s a technical term in psychology for why I find jokes based on how different people within my own country pronounce things differently - e.g. the “Yorkshire for...” jokes on ISIHAC - funny, but I no longer find jokes based on how foreign people with coloured skins aren’t even able to pronounce the Queen’s English properly funny (or even tasteful) at all.
