Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
Salty seadog
Space Cadet...(3rd Class...)
Oldbloke
Guru
- Location
- Mayenne, France
Alternatively a joke concerning Snow White which I couldn't possible put up here
You COULD.
betty swollocks
large member
Profpointy
Legendary Member
pedant alert - "wherefore" means "why" not "where"
Smokin Joe
Squire
- Location
- Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Feeling a bit depressed today. Just noticed I’ve got a grey pubic hair. I didn’t freak out too much when i found it but the people in the lift looked terrified.
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
An English lawyer went duck hunting in The Dales . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded,
"I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Yorkshire. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third
kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
Kempstonian
Has the memory of a goldfish
- Location
- Bedford
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies, 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot, 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook, you can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy, 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both English and Spanish, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy... I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers £20, the salesman accepts and the guy walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Parcel Force delivery man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the Parcel Force man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the Parcel Force man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' the guy exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
The frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'DUNNO?!? It was at that point I fell off my perch!'
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy crap,' the guy replies, 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot, 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook, you can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy, 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'
'Actually, I speak both English and Spanish, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy... I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers £20, the salesman accepts and the guy walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Parcel Force delivery man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the Parcel Force man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the Parcel Force man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.
'NO!' the guy exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
The frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'
'DUNNO?!? It was at that point I fell off my perch!'
