Any good jokes ... ?

[Threevok]

Disnay really work.

In the song it's clearly No More without any accent.
Anyone I know would say it as Nay Mare.

Nothing like the wee $hits name.

I always thought they were singing about the great cow blight - that forced many Scots to emigrate to the US

Methil - No Moo-er
Lewis - No Moo-er
Skye - No Moo-er

 

[betty swollocks]

News just in!
At a local beauty spot earlier today, customers saw an ice cream vendor tip choc sauce with amaretto biscuit granules over himself and shove a flake up his arse.
A spokesman for Thames Valley Police announced to the world's press:-
"I know you're all expecting me to say he topped himself, but luckily emergency services were able to get there in time, despite many bystanders omitting to dial the final 9."

 

[Seevio]

My friend gave me his epi-pen as he lay dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it.

 

[Cavalol]

I'm 6ft 4", and just banged my head on a low bridge. I'd have been ok if viaduct.

 

[Cavalol]

I just got ripped off by a ticket tout, wanted to see The Cure but he's sold me Placebo tickets.

 

[Cavalol]

A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £5000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest bar steward on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.

'Flipping heck' says the bingo caller. ‘You've won the meat raffle as well'

 

[Chris S]

News just in!
At a local beauty spot earlier today, customers saw an ice cream vendor tip choc sauce with amaretto biscuit granules over himself and shove a flake up his arse.
A spokesman for Thames Valley Police announced to the world's press:-
"I know you're all expecting me to say he topped himself, but luckily emergency services were able to get there in time, despite many bystanders omitting to dial the final 9."

I once accidentally asked for a 69 at an ice-cream van. The woman behind the counter just laughed and said, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

 

[glasgowcyclist]

I once accidentally asked for a 69 at an ice-cream van. The woman behind the counter just laughed and said, "I bet you say that to all the girls."

She should have asked you where you'd like the flake.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla sitting up a tree in his garden. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"OK, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[flake99please]

She should have asked you where you'd like the flake.

Or crushed nuts?

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

A track cyclist asks his coach: "Coach, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated."

And the coach, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, coach, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, coach, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon... when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, coach, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shoot instead of training."

 

[Cavalol]

What do you call a guy hanging off the back of a car?

...Reg

What does his family call him?

...”R Reg”

What do you call him when he’s dead?

...”X Reg”

 

[glasgowcyclist]

What do you call a guy hanging off the back of a car?

...Reg

What does his family call him?

...”R Reg”

What do you call him when he’s dead?

...”X Reg”

What if he's a soldier?

...Private Reg

 

[Leaway2]

What if he's a soldier?

...Private Reg

Or if he is a Microsoft programmer.

.....Regedit

And if he is dead. Regedit.ex(e)
OK maybe not

 

[Smokin Joe]

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"A time machine"

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"

"It doesn't matter"