Any good jokes ... ?

[raleighnut]

There were queues outside M&S shops across England, people are returning their waistcoats.

 

[Threevok]

Today, Build a Bear in Cardiff were selling off bears - price depending on your age (£1 per year)

Bargain my backside !!

Worst £51 I have ever spent

 

[Tim Hall]

What causes crop circles?

Cereal killers.

 

[Andy_R]

Don't know if this has been posted, can't be ar$ed to find out.....

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's really heavy.....







The other's a little lighter...

 

[Cavalol]

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a wand! What do I want with a wand?"

"It's not just any wand." I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said, "What's it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words.

"Okay," She said shaking the wand, "Abracadabra!"

"Flipping heck, love!" I said peering down the side of the bed, "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

 

[monkeytennis]

What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do in her spare time?

Maths debate.

 

[Cavalol]

My wife and kids are upset because I put ginger in their curry.

They loved that cat.

 

[Cavalol]

The light shines down the valley.
The wind blows up the alley,
Oh how I wish I was...

 

[Cavalol]

How does a pen cross a river?

Bi-roing

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Cavalol]

If I was rating 1960's musicians on a scale from 1-10, I'd only give Dave Clark 5...

 

[betty swollocks]

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my bike. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride on my bike any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy.
My bike's name was Candy.
She was an accountant: I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information - what firm she worked for, where my farm was, names of relatives, names of schools etc....... All the things that just come up in conversation eventually, if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

 

[betty swollocks]

In the back of an ambulance, a paramedic asks a young lady, “Where are you bleeding from?”
“Romford.”

 

[Salty seadog]

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my bike. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride on my bike any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy.
My bike's name was Candy.
She was an accountant: I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information - what firm she worked for, where my farm was, names of relatives, names of schools etc....... All the things that just come up in conversation eventually, if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

Groan.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

My wife told me that holiday sex is fantastic.



Not the best postcard I've ever received.