Any good jokes ... ?

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PaulSB

Squire
Spare a thought for poor ole Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.

After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman nodded and said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".

"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £3 please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up.

He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £1."

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".

Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £3."

O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."

O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."

"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".

"I will never use this bar again".

"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
 
Don't use Viagra if you're also taking an iron supplement.
You'll spend several hours facing north.
 

presta

Guru
Uxbridge English Dictionary

Anti-climax: Mums sister’s orgasm.
Barbecue: A line of people waiting for a haircut.
Bullshit: A cross between a bulldog and a shitsu
Car park: A boat for fish.
Colony: A Scottish comedian.
Condominium: An alloy used for making extra safe contraceptives.
Custody suite: A trifle.
Drag strip: A transvestite undressing.
Ethics: One of the home-counties.
“5p off”: An Enid Blyton book.
Gonorrhoea: Someone on a boat in Venice.
Goods train: An alternative to laxative.
Hedge fund: A gardener’s savings.
Hippodrome: A place where hippos take off and land.
Johnny Cash: The takings from a condom machine.
Meteorologist: A body builder who makes clocks.
Palindrome: Where an ex-python departs from on his globetrotting tours.
Penal colony: An all-male nudist camp.
Routine: An adolescent marsupial
Sarky: Someone from Sark.
Silicon valley: Jordan’s cleavage.
Smegma: A mum who likes Italian fridges.
Snog: A mixture of snow and fog
Tamponade: A fizzy drink made from tampons.
Tight knit community A town full of stupid, mean people.
Witchdoctor: Consumer review of GPs.
Witch hunt: Consumer review of fox culling.
 
My dad always said "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more"
Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist.
 

Profpointy

Legendary Member
Sent a message to Greenday yesterday morning. The lazy buggers had slept in.

They said to wake them up when September ends.

True story rather than a joke. A (younger) friend was wearing a Greenday t-shirt. Naturally I asked "so what's happening on Greenday then?" "Umm, it's an American rock band" . She was sweet enough not to add a sarcastic "grandad". To be fair I now have a couple of their records, well OK my wife's records really
 

swee'pea99

Legendary Member
True story rather than a joke. A (younger) friend was wearing a Greenday t-shirt. Naturally I asked "so what's happening on Greenday then?" "Umm, it's an American rock band" . She was sweet enough not to add a sarcastic "grandad". To be fair I now have a couple of their records, well OK my wife's records really
Reminds me of when I was told that Travis was going to play at our local school. 'Ah,' I said, 'I've heard of him.'
 

AndyRM

XOXO
Location
North Shields
True story rather than a joke. A (younger) friend was wearing a Greenday t-shirt. Naturally I asked "so what's happening on Greenday then?" "Umm, it's an American rock band" . She was sweet enough not to add a sarcastic "grandad". To be fair I now have a couple of their records, well OK my wife's records really

Ha! Reminds me of a favourite Weezer lyric of mine:

I asked you to go to the Green Day concert,
You said you'd never heard of them,
How cool is that?
So I went to your room, and read your diary.

Green Day up until Nimrod were very good.
 
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