Any good jokes ... ?

[morrisman]

F(x) = a + 2b walks into a cafe, and asks for a hamburger with egg and cheese.

The proprietor replies, "Sorry, but we don't cater for functions".

 

[flake99please]

I have a new job working with a one armed typist where I assist them to create capital letters.

It's shift work.

 

[flake99please]

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not like it's the end of the world.

 

[flake99please]

I bought the worlds worst thesaurus last week. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

 

[User16625]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

 

[Dayvo]

Copied from Facebook (probably on here, too):

 

[morrisman]

I hear that spam is making a comeback which I'm really pleased about. I would eat it everyday coated in batter and deep fried, but I'm worried I might just be frittering my life away.

 

[Oxo]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

[PaulSB]

I met a dyslexic Yorkshireman the other day.

He was wearing a cat flap.

 

[PaulB]

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!

 

[User33236]

Best said in a a Scottish accent:-

'Many people believe in cryonic preservation but Walt Disney'

 

[morrisman]

A bad workman blames his fools

EDIT: *tools

stupid keyboard.

 

[Cubist]

Dozens of people missed last night's deadline to sign up for free Self Harm counselling at our Health Centre. I bet they're kicking themselves.

 

[simon the viking]

A duck goes to the doctor and says I cant stop singing lovely day, lovely day, lovely ddddddaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy

Doctor says we'd better do something fast before your bill withers

 

[Smartarse]

My husband says he's leaving me because I'm not assertive enough and I always just follow the path of least resistance.

Ah well, probably for the best.