Any good jokes ... ?

[flake99please]

I was gutted to find my pet mouse Elvis had died. He was caught in a trap.

 

[raleighnut]

I was gutted to find my pet mouse Elvis had died. He was caught in a trap.

He found out he didn't have a wooden heart?

 

[Oldbloke]

He found out he didn't have a wooden heart?

Yeah, he'd had a suspicious mind about it

 

[raleighnut]

Yeah, he'd had a suspicious mind about it

That's cos he grew up in the ghetto

 

[Oldbloke]

That's cos he grew up in the ghetto

Way Down in the ghetto?

 

[Arjimlad]

I was gutted to find my pet mouse Elvis had died. He was caught in a trap.

So you'll be feeling, well, lonesome tonight then ?

 

[Smokin Joe]

So you'll be feeling, well, lonesome tonight then ?

Uh hu?

 

[Mrs M]

A traffic policeman clocked an oap doing 100mph in his new Merc, then 120mph, then the old guy floored it at 150mph. The policeman eventually got him to pull over.
He said to the oap, "sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes, I am going away for a family weekend, if you can give me the best reason I've ever heard why I shouldn't throw the book at you, I'll let you off with a caution.
The oap replied, "well officer, many years ago my wife ran away with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back

 

[Andy_R]

Aviation experts have revealed that the propeller on the front of aircraft is actually a cooling fan for the pilots. Apparently they really start sweating if it stops spinning....

 

[flake99please]

I was robbed by a teenage mutant ninja turtle last night. The irony is that he wasn't wearing a mask, so I don't know which one it was.

 

[Smokin Joe]

If you think no one care whether you are alive or dead, try missing a couple of car payments.

 

[flake99please]

I thought it would be difficult to infuse cheese with vodka.
Turned out to be an Absolut Bries.

 

[flake99please]

When I was a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog...

 

[srw]

From the comments underneath a Guardian article about Comic Sans.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve your type in here".

Comic Sans takes offence, draws a gun (in crayon), and threatens to fill him full of leading. Barman sends for the serif, who arrests Comic Sans and ropes him up with a ligature. The case comes upper week on Monday.

 

[Speicher]

From the comments underneath a Guardian article about Comic Sans.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says "Sorry, we don't serve your type in here".

Comic Sans takes offence, draws a gun (in crayon), and threatens to fill him full of leading. Barman sends for the serif, who arrests Comic Sans and ropes him up with a ligature. The case comes upper week on Monday.

Will that make headlines in the Times?