Any good jokes ... ?

[Smokin Joe]

Remember that game we played as kids, when you knocked on someone's door and ran away?

They call it Parcel Force now.

 

[TVC]

Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

 

[Smokin Joe]

Some one asked me to show him how his satnav worked today. I told him where to go.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

How do you circumcise a whale?
You send four skin-divers down...

 

[flake99please]

These wind farms are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans.

Its a waste of taxpayers money...

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

These wind farms are ridiculous. As if this country doesn't have enough wind of its own without wasting electricity making more of it by running these big fans.

Its a waste of taxpayers money...

Is that a joke or did you just cut n paste something from a Katrina Pierson press release?

 

[LCpl Boiled Egg]

Is that a joke or did you just cut n paste something from a Katrina Pierson press release?

I recognised it from the Viz letters page a few issues ago...

 

[Deleted member 26715]

Remember that game we played as kids, when you knocked on someone's door and ran away?

They call it Parcel Force now.

I heard the Yodel version!

 

[Deleted member 26715]

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything. The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. " My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola. The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." " What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola. I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

 

[Spartak]

A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for Ireland v England on 18th March. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them many months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding.

If you know of anyone interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at the Registry Office in Dorchester at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'8", about 9 stone (57 Kg), quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said "Thanks"
I said "Don't mention it"

 

[Beebo]

I used to be in a band called One Armed Leopard.
We had to quit because the drummer went deaf.


Topical joke for all you 80's rockers.

 

[raleighnut]

I used to be in a band called One Armed Leopard.
We had to quit because the drummer went deaf.


Topical joke for all you 80's rockers.

Most drummers are deaf.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

A joke from a gentler era:

As Noah was unloading the Ark he implored the animals all to go forth and multiply. Every species trotted off happily but he was surprised to find a pair of snakes stayed behind. Recognising them as Mr and Mrs Viper he asked them what the matter was. " We don't know how we're going to multiply" said Mr Viper "we're Adders. "

Noah thought for a moment then said "Tell you what, all you need is the right environment. This is quite a beauty spot, give me a couple of hours and I'll sort you out somewhere to live." The snakes returned to find he had used some spare timber from the Ark to build them a nice little cabin with rustic furniture. They were particularly taken with a rough hewn dining set.

Noah went back to check up on them a year later, and to his delight the Vipers had a lovely little family. Mrs Viper pointed out that the log tables had been particularly helpful.

Log tables are made from trees with square roots.

 

[TwickenhamCyclist]