Any good jokes ... ?

[Oldbloke]

Overheard on a fishing boat on the Sea of Galilee: "I don't care what your name is mate, you ain't walking on this water while I'm fishing"

 

[simon the viking]

Forgive me if it's been posted before but...

Schrödinger took his cat to vets....

The vet said I've got some good news and some bad news.....

 

[john59]

A Taxi driver and a Priest die and knock on heaven's door.
St.Peter shows the Taxi driver his new home, a lavish Castle fully equipped with butlers and servants. When the priests turn comes, he is shown a meager hut with no electricity or water. The priest complains to St.Peter: "How is it the Taxi driver gets a
castle and I only got this small hut? I 've been working for Jesus all my life, not him.". St.Peter responded: "Yes you were working for Jesus, but during your Sunday sermons everybody slept. When the Taxi driver drove his punters, they all prayed."

 

[john59]

Two bags of crisps walking down the road a car pulls up and offers a lift.
.
.
.
No thanks they say................. we are walkers

 

[ufkacbln]

 

[ufkacbln]

Schrodinger walked into a bar.... and didn't

 

[machew]

So he leaves. The bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[machew]

What’s got feathers and goes “Pieces of seven, pieces of seven” A parroty error.

 

[Profpointy]

Forgive me if it's been posted before but...

Schrödinger took his cat to vets....

The vet said I've got some good news and some bad news.....

At the risk of a repeat posting, a mate saw Schrodinger's house replete with the local equivalent of the blue plaque and was delighted to see it had a cat-flap

 

[Mr Celine]

 

[theclaud]

One for @User:

Mat ‏@MatCro
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target's name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet

 

[Katherine]

Two bags of crisps walking down the road a car pulls up and offers a lift.
.
.
.
No thanks they say................. we are walkers

The Roman Centurion who takes school children on guided walks around Chester is called Walkus Crispus.

 

[machew]

I once drove past an electronic sign displaying "WARNING: Stationery traffic ahead". I was so busy laughing that I crashed into a truck that was loaded with pens and pencils...

 

[machew]

Finally passed GO. That's the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

 

[User269]

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."





(Every time I hear a joke about Schrödinger's cat a little part of me dies and simultaneously doesn't die.)