Any good jokes ... ?

[screenman]

I bet he felt a right prick sleeping there.

 

[ayceejay]

Is it an oxymoron to have a screw in a bed of nails?

 

[swansonj]

A guy was a on his way to Leatherhead ....

That would seem to to constitute a perfectly good joke as it stands.

Yours

John-from-Leatherhead

 

[Alex H]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!..

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Man asks the chemist for a bar of soap, the chemist asks "do you want it scented?", the man replies "no, I'll take it with me".

 

[Slioch]

Man goes into a chemist's....

Man: Can I have some deodorant please.
Chemist: Certainly, what type? Ball or aerosol?
Man: Neither. It's for my armpits.



(think this was originally from Not The Nine O'Clock News several decades ago)

 

[AndyRM]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years.

That's where the joke breaks the realms of believability.

 

[Roadhump]

Talking to a man in the pub the other night who said he takes his daily Viagra tablet with a glass of milk at bedtime.

One night last week he took it with Tippex by mistake and the following morning he woke up with a massive correction.

 

[Slioch]

My brother and I both entered our dogs at Crufts this year.

My brother's dog got a 3rd placing, a 2nd placing, and was highly commended.

My dog had 2 fights, sex, and was highly delighted.

 

[machew]

Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he wants, and he orders a beer. He drinks it, and the bartender asks him if he wants another beer. Descartes says "I think not", and disappears in a puff of logic.

 

[Markymark]

My camel's got the hump.

 

[srw]

Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks him what he wants, and he orders a beer. He drinks it, and the bartender asks him if he wants another beer. Descartes says "I think not", and disappears in a puff of logic.

*ahem*
That's a fallacious contrapositive.

 

[machew]

*ahem*
That's a fallacious contrapositive.

Whatever

 

[Hitchington]

Just downloaded the Titanic soundtrack from The Cloud onto my phone.

And they said it was un-syncable.

 

[screenman]

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons
of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked
Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public
Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all
really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!