Any good jokes ... ?

[Andy_R]

I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta

apparently best joke at Edinburgh fringe

My wife laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bicycle out of spaghetti. Should have seen the look on her face when I cycled pasta...

 

[Andy_R]

As I get older I find that I only need three shops - SpecSavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

 

[Scoosh]

As I get older I find that I only need three shops - SpecSavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is just specs, drugs and sausage rolls.

For those with a longer memory, see also here
and here...

 

[postman]

Demonstrations outside Old Trafford tonight,United fans demanding Glazers out,Liverpool fans demanding Maguire in.

 

[tyred]

 

[PeteXXX]

 

[PaulB]

My maths teacher asked me “if you had £50 in your left trouser pocket and £60 in your right trouser pocket, what would you have”?
I’d most likely have someone else’s trousers on !

 

[Sharky]

Maths teacher to little boy.
Your dad gives you a £1 on Monday and promises to give you a £1 each day for the rest of the week.

How much will you have by Saturday?
Boy says £1

Teacher, surprised, says to the boy, "you don't know your maths"

Boy replies " you don't know my dad! "

 

[Cavalol]

Landed a new job as a conductor on a ghost train.

All going ticketty-boo so far.

 

[morrisman]

A genie granted me a single wish, so I said I just wanted to be happy. I'm now living with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

 

[Chislenko]

Apparently the inventer of the door knocker won the no bell prize.

 

[Andy_R]

My wife complained that I never buy her flowers. To tell the truth, I didn't even know she sold them...

 

[Toshiba Boy]

 

[tyred]

 

[PaulB]

Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you are prepared to handle the reaper cushions.