Any good jokes ... ?

[betty swollocks]

 

[Tribansman]

A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was caught 2 streets away when his van ran out of fuel. In mitigation the thief could only snivel: "I'm sorry CONSTABLE but I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE! In the rush I trapped MATISSEticles under my leg in the cramped cabin. I've really POLLOCKsed this up haven't I?!"

"You're supposed to be a MAN,ET?" replied the policeman, "toughen up or you'll ROU(it)SSEAU much. The chief will MUNCH you up and spit you out, and you won't be able to resist the overtures of Alain 'La Reine of La Santé' Grandbois, so you'll have to CHAGALLE in the showers, who'll turn your BOTTI(to)CELLI."

"I won't survive La Santé" said the thief, his fear bringing out his native Italian twang, "please don'ta TURNER me in, DONATELLO the chief. "It's your lucky day" sighed the Plod, "the cells are full so what the RAPHAEL. Just GO,YA? Don't dilly-DALI, move it!"

 

[PaulB]

Anybody know where I can buy chains, manacles, restraints and whips? Asking for a fiend.

 

[Chromatic]

A bloke rang me up the other day and said ‘I’m the dandy highwayman, who you’re too scared to mention. I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention.’ I told him he had the wrong number, but he was adamant.

The same bloke called @PaulB yesterday.

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

He's quite unshakeable in his unwavering determination isn't he?

 

[Dave7]

3 days ago The postman (not that postman) pushed a letter through.
On the front, in big letters, was written DO NOT BEND.
I am still trying to work out how to pick it up

 

[Dave7]

There was a 3 month old baby in court yesterday.
The Mum said it just would not go to sleep.
The charge was.....resisting a rest.

Sorry for that one.

 

[Cavalol]

My friends teen daughter was trying to feed her baby but she wasn't having any of it and wouldn't eat any of her dinner.
"Try the Airplane", I said.
Airplane? What is it?
"It's a classic spoof film from the 1980s but that's not important right now".

 

[PaulB]

A mate of mine was fired from his job looking after the caged birds at out local pet shop yesterday. He was caught with his fingers in the Trill.

 

[Dayvo]

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Dayvo]

 

[Cavalol]

The same bloke called @PaulB yesterday.

Whoops! Sorry, should have checked through recent posts first

 

[postman]

A friend of mine was teaching his grandaughter to read.Now what rhymes with hat,he said .She looked at him and said no it does not.

 

[welsh dragon]

Why do Leprechauns laugh as they run.

Because the grass tickles they're b**ls