Any good jokes ... ?

[welsh dragon]

[QUOTE 3001504, member: 1314"]What did God give us?

God gave us life so that we could all play with our mates in the street with the ball that we bought from the shop just last week; and also so that we could take sweets off strange men in big cars and get driven to the woods to stroke non-existent puppies.

But he also gave us Una Stubbs
And he also gave us Little and Large
And he also gave us Keith Harris
And he also gave us Wendy Craig
And he also gave us Thora Hird
And he also gave us Matthew Kelly
And he also gave us Eartha Kitt
And he also gave us Lionel Blair

God gave us life
God gave us life – hallelujah
God gave us life – Pontius Pilate
God gave us life – Bobby Charlton
God gave us life – Gordon Jackson
God gave us life – have a banana

God gave us – life![/QUOTE]

I cant hear you

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

I once had a job as a human cannonball, until I was fired. I got a basic wage and a good mileage allowance.

 

[Archie_tect]

That works both ways.

You think?

 

[simon the viking]

Memory fail there

Good call there! I've just googled the lyrics whilst the song is called F*****' hell it's Fred Titmus and the phrase is repeated in the song several times the boy does not shout it out to his mum....... I would have sworn he did though but I was reciting it from memory of an LP I borrowed of a mate and taped ( remember the "home taping is killing music" warning) and been lost for at least 2 decades

 

[john59]

This is great... PAM AYRES Sat Nav

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

 

[Ron-da-Valli]

[QUOTE 3001495, member: 1314"]As @PaulB 's link. The lines work because of the crude juxtaposition of the banal everyday normalness of an ordinary, 3 bedroom-semi childhood in the Wirral (watching Junior Kickstart); with the anodyne, syrupy supposedly sublime Divine solipsisms that are at heart empty.

HMHB did another song where they imagined Jesus on the TV show 'Come on Down'. Some lines from memory...

Jesus Christ come on down!

Mary had a little lamb, the doctors were astounded, everywhere she went, gynaecologists surrounded.

The son of Jimmy Clitheroe is shouting out: “Where’s my Fiorucci?”

And if eight out of ten cats all prefer Whiskas, do the other two prefer Lesley Judd?

99% of gargoyles look like Bob Todd.[/QUOTE]
They've been cooking on Blue Peter, now they're sampling the dishes, " I don't normally like tomatoes John but this is delicious"

 

[mrcunning]

Just heard about that youth who got thrown through the window at KFC in nottingham last night... He'd only ordered a leg & a wing

 

[Salty seadog]

Whats another word for thesaurus?

 

[PaulB]

Little boy says to his mother, 'Mum, can we eat at McDonalds?' to which his mother replies, 'If you can spell McDonalds for me, then we'll eat there.' so the little boy says, 'Can we eat at KFC instead?'

 

[TVC]

They've been cooking on Blue Peter, now they're sampling the dishes, " I don't normally like tomatoes John but this is delicious"

If you've ever wondered how they get triangles from a cow, you need butter, milk and cheese and an equilateral chain saw.

 

[simon the viking]

If you've ever wondered how they get triangles from a cow, you need butter, milk and cheese and an equilateral chain saw.

possibly THE most surreal joke I have ever heard

 

[martint235]

If you've ever wondered how they get triangles from a cow, you need butter, milk and cheese and an equilateral chain saw.

possibly THE most surreal joke I have ever heard

Point of order, it's not a joke it's a Half Man Half Biscuit lyric from 99% of Gargoyles

 

[simon the viking]

Point of order, it's not a joke it's a Half Man Half Biscuit lyric from 99% of Gargoyles

Ah I see now.... I thought we were back on jokes..... Sorry

 

[Cheddar George]

Giuseppe Garibaldi ........


half man..........


half biscuit.

 

[john59]

A teacher's story about Stuttering!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F*ck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room!