Viz top tips

[longers]

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

 

[Aperitif]

...particularly if they are cycling pigs suffering from road rasher...

You ok longers?

 

[longers]

Yes, thanks for asking, got a lift in today and am raring to go tomorrow on a different bike

 

[jonathan ellis]

Yes, thanks for asking, got a lift in today and am raring to go tomorrow on a different bike

I do think your photo/avatar should have won best overall
its fantastic

 

[Mr Phoebus]

When on a lovely Summer's picnic, strategically place fresh dog turds between the food plates on the blanket.
This will keep the flies off the food.

 

[palinurus]

Here's one I was given earlier

 

[goo_mason]

INTERNET porn fans. Avoid tedious interruptions to wipe the screen by first covering it with several layers of cling film which can be torn off like F1 drivers do with their visors.

 

[Noodley]

Paul Daniels: Don't worry whether the trick works. We all think you're a c***.

 

[ColinJ]

"Keep your wife or girlfriend on her toes by mentioning the names of other women when pretending to sleep."

I'd advise against that one! A girlfriend many years ago used to call me by her previous boyfriend's name at least once a day. It didn't bother me at first but after a while I began to find it irritating so I decided to try User1314's technique to get my own back. The next thing I knew, I'd been elbowed in the solar plexus and shoved out of bed ! She wouldn't speak to me for a couple of days, despite me pointing out that she did it to me all the time...

 

[swee'pea99]

Shan & Tray waiting outside the VD clinic: 'It's not as runny as it used to be.'

(Not a tip but it cracked me up.)

 

[zacklaws]

To prevent loosing things and make it easier to find them, thread all your possessions on a piece of string.

 

[puddleglum]

convince passing aircraft that you have aswimming pool in your garden by painting your lawn blue.