Viz top tips

[graham56]

I took Norman Tebbits advice and ended up becoming an Olympic champion.

Chris Boardman. The Wirral.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

win difficult alpine stages in the tour de france by drinking heavily the night before.

f landis, america

 

[jimbob]

Confuse your doctor by bleaching cornflakes, drying them and putting them in your hair and telling him you have a bad case of dandruff.

 

[fossyant]

Slightly OT - my young brother had a watch with built in infra red - went round whilst shopping changing all the channels in the electrical shops - he could programme it..... had us splitting our sides.......

 

[sloe]

GARDENERS. Evade the hose-pipe ban by painting your garden hose pink and threading it up your trouser leg and out your flies.

 

[craigwend]

http://www.viz.co.uk/?/letterbocks/toptips_story.php?fb=1

 

[Mr Pig]

Don't throw out your leftover tomato. Wrap it in cling film, put it in the fridge and you can throw it out next week!

 

[graham56]

If you can`t afford contact lens,cut out small circles of cling film and place them on your eyes.

 

[upsidedown]

http://www.viz.co.uk/?/letterbocks/toptips_story.php?fb=1

Number 22 is pure genius.

 

[ColinJ]

GOD. Annoy cyclists by making sure that the wind is blowing in their faces whatever direction they cycle in. For added entertainment, make sure the wind is blowing from behind as people leave the hairdressers.

Grant Warner, New Malden



CYCLIST. Prevent your bike being stolen at your cafe stop - use a lightweight cable lock to secure it to the collar of the cafe owner's vicious dog. If the cafe owner doesn't have a spare vicious dog, carry a Pit Bull with you in a rucksack.

ColinJ, West Yorkshire.

 

[papercorn2000]

DAILY Mail editors. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.
Tommy Dungmonger

 

[papercorn2000]

And from the Profanisaurus...
highdea n.

A brilliant plan or scheme that is conceived whilst under the influence of stupefying intoxicants that, when viewed in the cold, sober light of day, is revealed to be a load of old cack, eg. Writing a sitcom about the funny things students say when stoned, building a floating city in the sky using helium-filled girders, or Fleetwood Mac's Tusk album. A West country equivalent is the term cid

 

[longers]

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

 

[longers]

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

 

[longers]

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.