raleighnut
Legendary Member
- Location
- One of the 'Elite'
Uncle Drago's agony column
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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Hover Fly
Lazy so and so
- Location
- Besides the lake, beneath the trees
As much as could be enfenced by a woodchuck chucking wood.
classic33
Leg End Member
Dear Uncle Drago
I hate our postman. He is so irritating, always whistling and singing that awful Stevie Wonder song "I Just Called To Say I Love You" as he comes up the drive.
I just want to kill him. He is ginger-haired and wears stupid round glasses like a school swot.
I'm a bit worried because I have gone so far as to have an axe ready in the elephant's foot umbrella stand. I am scared that one day soon if he rings the doorbell with a parcel, I will spring out and sink the axe in his potato-shaped head.
The thought of the axe buried in his brain makes me happy.
Am I going mad?
Ollie
Osmotherley
I hate our postman. He is so irritating, always whistling and singing that awful Stevie Wonder song "I Just Called To Say I Love You" as he comes up the drive.
I just want to kill him. He is ginger-haired and wears stupid round glasses like a school swot.
I'm a bit worried because I have gone so far as to have an axe ready in the elephant's foot umbrella stand. I am scared that one day soon if he rings the doorbell with a parcel, I will spring out and sink the axe in his potato-shaped head.
The thought of the axe buried in his brain makes me happy.
Am I going mad?
Ollie
Osmotherley
classic33
Leg End Member
Dear Uncle Drago
Whilst out earlier today, I found what appears to be a police radio. Not as fancy as some of the more modern ones, but it works.
In these cash strapped times, I really thought they'd have snapped it out of my hands. I did try returning it, but they weren't interested as no-one had reported losing one. And it was treated the same as a mobile phone and not put into lost property.
When left on for a few minutes there's a "female voice" saying something, but not too clearly. I think the battery needs charging. Do you know where I can get a charger for it?
Yours
Foxtrot Oscar
Fulham
Whilst out earlier today, I found what appears to be a police radio. Not as fancy as some of the more modern ones, but it works.
In these cash strapped times, I really thought they'd have snapped it out of my hands. I did try returning it, but they weren't interested as no-one had reported losing one. And it was treated the same as a mobile phone and not put into lost property.
When left on for a few minutes there's a "female voice" saying something, but not too clearly. I think the battery needs charging. Do you know where I can get a charger for it?
Yours
Foxtrot Oscar
Fulham
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear Wallie,
Imeould try your hardest to avoid killing the poor postman. 50 hours community service would be an ordeal you wouldn't enjoy.
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Uncle Drago
I am settling in well to my new Postman job in the village of Upper Bell End. In readiness for the forthcoming colder weather, I have taken to wearing a rather fetching ginger syrup to cover my bald pate, as I understand that's the cool colour for hair nowaday. I also think my new round glasses make look rather intelligent.
Having given some thought as to how to try and keep the spirits of the, mostly pretty ancient Upper Bell Enders, up, I have decided to do my round whistling that lovely ditty "I just called to say I love you", I know, I am extremely thoughful.
However, I am a little worried, as at one particular, rather run down cottage, at the far end of the village's back entry, there is a rather odd looking gentleman, who stands with his nose pressed against the front window, appearing to breath heavily and smiling a very strange smile at me, every time I service his letterbox.
Do you think he fancies me. Should I tell my HR diversity co-ordinator?
Slightly worried of Her Majesty's Royal Mail
I am settling in well to my new Postman job in the village of Upper Bell End. In readiness for the forthcoming colder weather, I have taken to wearing a rather fetching ginger syrup to cover my bald pate, as I understand that's the cool colour for hair nowaday. I also think my new round glasses make look rather intelligent.
Having given some thought as to how to try and keep the spirits of the, mostly pretty ancient Upper Bell Enders, up, I have decided to do my round whistling that lovely ditty "I just called to say I love you", I know, I am extremely thoughful.
However, I am a little worried, as at one particular, rather run down cottage, at the far end of the village's back entry, there is a rather odd looking gentleman, who stands with his nose pressed against the front window, appearing to breath heavily and smiling a very strange smile at me, every time I service his letterbox.
Do you think he fancies me. Should I tell my HR diversity co-ordinator?
Slightly worried of Her Majesty's Royal Mail
mustang1
Legendary Member
- Location
- London, UK
I need a fitness bike. All these other bikes make me fat. Can you help me?
if wider tyres reduce rolling resistance, should i get a fat bike and replace the knobby tyres with slicks?
if wider tyres reduce rolling resistance, should i get a fat bike and replace the knobby tyres with slicks?
classic33
Leg End Member
Dear Uncle Drago
I have recently been made aware of one of our employees dressing up in non standard uniform whilst doing their rounds.
They have recently being caught "servicing a customers letterbox", round the back entry, in Uppa Bell End. I'm new to this department and I don't want to ruffle feathers amongst those who have been here longer.
What is the best way of dealing with this matter, to achieve the best outcome for all concerned.
Yours
H.R. Sources
Royal Mail
I have recently been made aware of one of our employees dressing up in non standard uniform whilst doing their rounds.
They have recently being caught "servicing a customers letterbox", round the back entry, in Uppa Bell End. I'm new to this department and I don't want to ruffle feathers amongst those who have been here longer.
What is the best way of dealing with this matter, to achieve the best outcome for all concerned.
Yours
H.R. Sources
Royal Mail
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Dear H.P.Sauces,
I habe to say, I didn't realist that a rubber gimp suit, top hat, stilettos and an aunergine stuffed up ones bottom was a non standard Royal Mail umiform.
Must the the top hat that is frowned up, eh?
I habe to say, I didn't realist that a rubber gimp suit, top hat, stilettos and an aunergine stuffed up ones bottom was a non standard Royal Mail umiform.
Must the the top hat that is frowned up, eh?
Ming the Merciless
There is no mercy
- Location
- Inside my skull
Dear Uncle Drag,
I recently found five old pound coins from a haul I got a few years back. I took them to the bank but was only offered £5. This seems like a measly offer for such a rare item. Should I bury them in a field in Suffolk then “find” them in a few years and claim them as Roman Treasure?
Yours
R. Biggs the II
1 Railway Avenue
I recently found five old pound coins from a haul I got a few years back. I took them to the bank but was only offered £5. This seems like a measly offer for such a rare item. Should I bury them in a field in Suffolk then “find” them in a few years and claim them as Roman Treasure?
Yours
R. Biggs the II
1 Railway Avenue
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Dear Uncle Drago
Sorry to trouble you again, but I was wondering if you have any aubergines, I just can't seem to get hold of any, and I find the reassurance they give on my rounds, especially when I have to visit that strange fella up the back entry, bring me enormous relief.
Ginger Gimp Guy, HM Royal Mail
Sorry to trouble you again, but I was wondering if you have any aubergines, I just can't seem to get hold of any, and I find the reassurance they give on my rounds, especially when I have to visit that strange fella up the back entry, bring me enormous relief.
Ginger Gimp Guy, HM Royal Mail
Dear uncle Drago. Mine is a genuine problem which I hope you deem worthy of your advice.
I have just been to the barbers for my annual hair cut.
When the girl had finished I shouted at her. I told her she had done a dreadful job and I refused to pay her.
She did no more than to squirt (what I thought) was a gel on my head, pick up a load of hair from the floor and slap it on my head.
Not to worry, thought. Get home, wash it off and I have saved a fiver......all good.
Just arrived home to find the 'gel' was in fact super glue AND the stuck on hair is multi colours.
What do you think I should do?
I have just been to the barbers for my annual hair cut.
When the girl had finished I shouted at her. I told her she had done a dreadful job and I refused to pay her.
She did no more than to squirt (what I thought) was a gel on my head, pick up a load of hair from the floor and slap it on my head.
Not to worry, thought. Get home, wash it off and I have saved a fiver......all good.
Just arrived home to find the 'gel' was in fact super glue AND the stuck on hair is multi colours.
What do you think I should do?
classic33
Leg End Member
Dear D7
Your best bet is to dye what you have left, so that all the pieces are the same colour. Or, you could just shave the lot off as the cheaper option. You even save a further £6 - £8 on the hair dye. Thereby increasing your savings for the day so far.
Yours
TBH shaving it off was my 1st thought but my scalp is coated with super glue
classic33
Leg End Member
Dear soon to be parted from your moneyTBH shaving it off was my 1st thought but my scalp is coated with super glue
You can let it grow out. Taking approximately a month for 1/2 an inch growth. It'll take the skin with it.
You could dye the lot, or get a large jar of Vaseline. With the vaseline to hand, you apply and gently massage the area affected. Lifting the glue out as you massage it in. Do you have someone who may be able to help with this? If so, hand them the vaseline and instruct them to gently massage the area affected.
Remembering to wash the Vaseline off when finished.
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