Uncle Drago's agony column

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I feel undervalued and unappreciated by my family. I fought for my country you know but get no thanks for it but no-one gives a toss.

I live with my nephew who expects me to cook him breakfast and carry his big suitcase full of dodgy gear around but I get no thanks.

When I try to give the benefit of my vast worldly experience or reminisce about my days in the navy in WWII (did I tell you that I fought for my country) my nephew just makes jokes about it and doesn't listen.

My other nephew laughs at me too and also when I play the piano and sing in the pub, people tell me to shut up and don't appreciate my great voice and piano playing or my excellent dancing.

How can I get my nephews to respect me and get my music to a wider audience? I don't know if I mentioned it but I fought for this country you know and deserve more respect. I could tell you about the time we got torpedoed in the Adriatic but I never talk about my days at sea.

Yours faithfully,
Albert G. Trotter,
Nelson Mandela Hse.,
Peckham

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago

I can't stop making up problems and writing in to Agony Aunts about them - what should I do?

Yours
Perplexed of Plymouth

 

[classic33]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.

The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.

My phone battery is almost dead. On looking through a pinhole I can see luggage bound for Gibraltar.

I fear for the worst Auntie Jean. No one dare open the Diplomatic Bag that I am trapped in.

Am I doomed Uncle Drago?

Dick Athlon
Somewhere in mid air

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I feel undervalued and unappreciated by my family. I fought for my country you know but get no thanks for it but no-one gives a toss.

I live with my nephew who expects me to cook him breakfast and carry his big suitcase full of dodgy gear around but I get no thanks.

When I try to give the benefit of my vast worldly experience or reminisce about my days in the navy in WWII (did I tell you that I fought for my country) my nephew just makes jokes about it and doesn't listen.

My other nephew laughs at me too and also when I play the piano and sing in the pub, people tell me to shut up and don't appreciate my great voice and piano playing or my excellent dancing.

How can I get my nephews to respect me and get my music to a wider audience? I don't know if I mentioned it but I fought for this country you know and deserve more respect. I could tell you about the time we got torpedoed in the Adriatic but I never talk about my days at sea.

Yours faithfully,
Albert G. Trotter,
Nelson Mandela Hse.,
Peckham

Dear readers. This letter caught my eye as a fan in real distress, in desperate need of my help. Therefore, I paid a personal visit. Sadly, I was too late. He had died the previous day when a WWII sea mine fell out of his beard and detonated.

Dear Uncle Drago

I can't stop making up problems and writing in to Agony Aunts about them - what should I do?

Yours
Perplexed of Plymouth

Dear Pimples in Portsmouth,

I can help. Send a cheque for 500 quid to...

Bleed the schmucks dry
Box 13
69 Janet Porter Street
Croydon.

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am a British Spy and I am trapped in a padlocked sports bag. I was having a bath while locked in my diplomatic bag as usual.

The apartment steward unexpectedly came into my flat and took the bag (with me inside it) to Heathrow airport. I think I am in the luggage hold of a plane in mid flight.

My phone battery is almost dead. On looking through a pinhole I can see luggage bound for Gibraltar.

I fear for the worst Auntie Jean. No one dare open the Diplomatic Bag that I am trapped in.

Am I doomed Uncle Drago?

Dick Athlon
Somewhere in mid air

Dear Doomed,

Yes, you are in a spot of bother. The flight is only stopping in gibraltar to take on a consignment of Novichok, and youre in an American diplomatic bag with the stars and stripes on one side and a picture of Ronald Reagan humping a caricature of putin on on the other. Adios my friend.

 

[Moon bunny]

I have just scorched my husband’s favourite shirt, I put the iron on its maximum setting to get the job over quickly, but it doesn’t work like that apparently. He is going to be very annoyed when he sees scorch marks on the collar. The company that made the shirt exists no longer, and there are none on a popular web-based auction site, and it would not be delivered before he gets back from walking the dog anyway. Can you recommend a good divorce lawyer?

 

[Drago]

Dear negligent wife,

I am sorry to hear this news. Best thing to do is find evidence that he has been unfaithful then you can legitimately destroy all his clothes as punishment, thus cpvering up this minor mishap.

 

[Paulus]

Dear uncle Drago.
For many years I have been addicted to watching the Tour de France on telly, even going to France on several occasions to watch it in the flesh so to speak.
I have a similar addiction to riding my bikes, even in bad weather.
It is starting to annoy the wife who has put up with me for 40 odd years.
What to do?

 

[Hover Fly]

Dear negligent wife,
Further to Drago’s answer, a less extreme answer to your problem may be to buy your husband an expensive gift, perhaps a bicycle-if he rides a bike-perhaps around the £6000 mark would get you out of your predicament.

 

[mustang1]

I just learned what "cancel culture" means. I always thought it was when you're on a date or something and you get a text saying your date has to cancel.
but I learned cancel culture means to put someone on the Ignore list. I thought was just called "put them iggy". Same old...

 

[Drago]

Dear uncle Drago.
For many years I have been addicted to watching the Tour de France on telly, even going to France on several occasions to watch it in the flesh so to speak.
I have a similar addiction to riding my bikes, even in bad weather.
It is starting to annoy the wife who has put up with me for 40 odd years.
What to do?

Dear Roadie Wannabe.

Go for it, become a top flight professional road racer. Be warned though - those with a real winning obsession have been known to go as far as having a testicle surgically removed to save weight.

 

[Profpointy]

Dear negligent wife,

I am sorry to hear this news. Best thing to do is find evidence that he has been unfaithful then you can legitimately destroy all his clothes as punishment, thus cpvering up this minor mishap.

Drago is really one of the staff writers on Viz comic. It all makes sense now

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,

Since my divorce I’d been having trouble getting anywhere with the ladies. I admit I’m a bit past my peak. I tried Latin dancing, internet dating, Bumble and what have you, but I was just not getting any interest. So I decided to send off for a mail order bride. When she arrived, she said her name was Apple Irene, which I thought was funny name, but East Asian people do sometimes choose slightly odd sounding Western names, especially if they’re from Hong Kong. At first everything was great. She looked fantastic. She was amazing in bed. I’ve never seen the house look so clean. My colleagues started remarking how smart I looked, although I hardly wanted to leave the house. I had to ask her to cut down on the Cordon Bleu cooking because I was putting on weight. Lately though, she has been sulking a lot. A few nights ago she asked me if I liked her more than the dishwasher, and when I told her I liked her a hundred times more than the dishwasher, she seemed even more upset. Yesterday I found her internet shopping. Not that I mind her spending money, within reason, but when I looked at the email receipts, it was just random stuff: wigs, Li-Ion battery packs, concentrated sulphuric acid. What can she want with all this stuff? I am getting a bit concerned, because she is really, surprisingly strong. In fact, I’ve taken to living in the basement, because she has difficulty getting down stairs.

Yours worriedly,
Yellow Fang

 

[Drago]

Dear Yelling Thing,

Concentrated sulphuric acid? LiOn battery packs? If I were you I would be very, very concerned. She is clearly constructing a robot with which she plans to replace you. My advice is to get on the Ryvitas and start jogging, pronto.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have served my country to the best of my ability for almost sixty years and have faced all sorts of adversity and overcome all the problems that I encountered along the way. I have seen of many enemies in my time and have won many accolades.

However I feel that I have done my duties for long enough and deserve to be put out to grass and enjoy my well-earned retirement and spend my time driving my Aston Martin DB4 to Tesco every Saturday morning to cause a traffic jam like all the other pensioners or to sit on a deckchair at the beach with a tartan rug.

Unfortunately my bosses just want more and more and will not let me retire even though I feel have done my bit on her Majesty's service over the years and am now too old for chasing the bad guys.

How can I get people to listen to me and respect my wishes.

Yours faithfully,
Mr J. Bond.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I have served my country to the best of my ability for almost sixty years and have faced all sorts of adversity and overcome all the problems that I encountered along the way. I have seen of many enemies in my time and have won many accolades.

However I feel that I have done my duties for long enough and deserve to be put out to grass and enjoy my well-earned retirement and spend my time driving my Aston Martin DB4 to Tesco every Saturday morning to cause a traffic jam like all the other pensioners or to sit on a deckchair at the beach with a tartan rug.

Unfortunately my bosses just want more and more and will not let me retire even though I feel have done my bit on her Majesty's service over the years and am now too old for chasing the bad guys.

How can I get people to listen to me and respect my wishes.

Yours faithfully,
Mr J. Bond.

Dear Mr Bond,

I fear that you are wrong. My friend Roger was an MI6 double-oh and he was on active duty well into his 80's, so I can understand their reluctance to let you go.

Who don't you fake your own death? Or even do it for real - next time a villain catches you and readies themselves to spend 20 minutes explaining their plan to you prior to sending you off tonsome improbably convoluted execution, you should shout, "just bloody shoot me now!"