Uncle Drago's agony column

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Mavis,

A word of advice. When you're in the interview room ensure your new appendage doesn't accidentally press the panic button on the underside of the table.

Try thinking of Angela Merkel - it will have a miraculous effect on the swelling.

I think I should mention that this technique does not work for everyone and some people would be well advised to not think of this good lady in this situation

or so I have heard a friend told me

 

[Webbo2]

I think I should mention that this technique does not work for everyone and some people would be well advised to not think of this good lady in this situation

or so I have heard a friend told me

Would thinking of the wee crankie lady from Scotland be of help.

 

[Drago]

Would thinking of the wee crankie lady from Scotland be of help.

That would probably give the poor fellow a full on diamond cutter.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I've been hurt badly. That woman up the road dumped me. I can't figure out why.

I have decided I need to win her back. I wanted to create a good impression. I bought a new suit from the Christian Aid shop. There is a cigarette burn on this sleeve but it barely shows. It's a bit smelly so I stuffed some Magic Tree air fresheners in the pockets.

With summer coming, I decided I needed a nice trendy convertible so I could invite her for cruises to the coast. I found a Yugo 55A convertible for the right price. It was looking a bit tatty but a few old Daily Mails stuffed into the rust holes, a skim of Isopon and a gallon tin of Hammerite and it all looks amazing. I had a problem though. With this recent heatwave, I was sweating, so I took off all my clothes. Unfortunately, I accidentally dipped my todger in the Hammerite. What is the best method of removing Hammerite from one's private parts?

Anyway, now that I got the Yugo looking well, I popped 'round to her house. As luck would have it, there was a funeral today, so I was able to get a fresh bunch of flowers from the graveyard.

I bought a 125 gram box of Milk Tray from the Texaco garage, so with my newly painted Yugo cabriolet, my fresh white lilies, my box of chocolates, and a couple of tickets to a Robson and Jerome tribute act, I popped around to her house.

Unfortunately, found that Dave there, posing as a hat stand in the hall. To make matters worse, that Donald has hung his red baseball cap on Dave's todger, along with Accy's fedora.

Just what is going on here? How can I persuade her to ditch these losers and come out for a cruise in Yugoslavia's finest cabriolet, a picnic by the coast with corned beef sandwiches, chocolate ices and a chance to see quality music in the evening? Do you think the tickets to the Robson and Jerome was too much?

Yours sincerely,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Aubergine,

You can't remove Hammerite from your badger. Your best bet is to paint a layer of pink Hammerite over the top. A tip - use smooth and not hammered finish. You don't want the old chap resembling a relief map of the moon.

The opposition is a problem for you. Dave has the stamina of a mere 75 year old, and Donald has promised to make her Governor of Greenland. Best thing you can do is slap her with your hammerite stained tariff and hope she prefers small paint covered winkies.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I took your advice and applied a coat of pink Hammerite smooth on my todger. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with the finish as there were a lot of brush marks. I decided to sandpaper it back and try again. I think using 40 paper was a mistake as I caused some skin problems. It was rather embarrassing explaining to the new female GP. She said she'd see if she can refer me to a psychiatrist. Can you think of a reason why she would refer me to a psychiatrist?

I went to check on that woman up the road and I saw that Dave's jacket sitting on the edge of the bench in the patio. I decided to fight dirty and I went and got a smoked herring fillet and stuffed it into the lining of the jacket. I'm sure she won't want to be with him in a stinky jacket. Do you think I went to far?

As for that Donald, I hear through the grapevine that he having supply problems with his Chinese-made red ties as the price has gone up a lot or something due to tariffs.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Pinno718]

The best thing to get rid of the paint on one's todger is paraffin and a wire brush.
That was the expert advice I got from the hairy fat bloke at the alternative STD clinic.
He told me I had crabs. He then got out a blow torch and I legged it. You have no idea how bloody difficult it is to make a get away with your trousers round your ankles.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

The best thing to get rid of the paint on one's todger is paraffin and a wire brush.
That was the expert advice I got from the hairy fat bloke at the alternative STD clinic.
He told me I had crabs. He then got out a blow torch and I legged it. You have no idea how bloody difficult it is to make a get away with your trousers round your ankles.

I suspect some people who read this thread might just know what you mean here

 

[Pinno718]

I suspect some people who read this thread might just know what you mean here

I think you're talking about the after effects of the Brooks saddle.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

I think you're talking about the after effects of the Brooks saddle.

What
Brooks saddles make you trouser come down???

Maybe their popularity is caused for reasons I was previously unaware of

Maybe Dave should try this and ride past that woman's house a few time??

or maybe his desires would be better served if he persuaded her to try a bike ride on a bike with one of them??

or should I wake up more befor posting?

 

[Pinno718]

What
Brooks saddles make you trouser come down???

Maybe their popularity is caused for reasons I was previously unaware of

Maybe Dave should try this and ride past that woman's house a few time??

or maybe his desires would be better served if he persuaded her to try a bike ride on a bike with one of them??

or should I wake up more befor posting?

So many questions, so little time.

Dave should buy a tandem?

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

So many questions, so little time.

Dave should buy a tandem?

That'd work

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I took your advice and applied a coat of pink Hammerite smooth on my todger. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with the finish as there were a lot of brush marks. I decided to sandpaper it back and try again. I think using 40 paper was a mistake as I caused some skin problems. It was rather embarrassing explaining to the new female GP. She said she'd see if she can refer me to a psychiatrist. Can you think of a reason why she would refer me to a psychiatrist?

I went to check on that woman up the road and I saw that Dave's jacket sitting on the edge of the bench in the patio. I decided to fight dirty and I went and got a smoked herring fillet and stuffed it into the lining of the jacket. I'm sure she won't want to be with him in a stinky jacket. Do you think I went to far?

As for that Donald, I hear through the grapevine that he having supply problems with his Chinese-made red ties as the price has gone up a lot or something due to tariffs.

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

How much do you want for the Yugo? Can I hire it for a weekend?

You see, I am in the same predicament. There is this weather woman. I can't get her out of my head. It's more than I dare to think about.
I went all the way to London, having hitched a lift under an artic with a clever array of bungee chords. I took a pair of binoculars to see the sights up close. I wandered back and forth outside the Beeb and the Met office.

The main obstacle is that she is married to a bloke with military experience. However, I have had military experience too - I was in the cub scouts and I fear no one.
I have convinced myself that she is in a coercive relationship and I must rescue her. I figured that I would kidnap her whilst she was in the shower. I'll bundle her into the back of the Yugo and whisk her away to Cumbernauld. People go into Cumbernauld and never come back, not mentally nor physically. At first she will resent me but after a while she will realise I have saved her from the military beast and profess her undying love for me. We can live a life of complete anonymity there away from predatory men and stalkers. I'll teach her to clean bicycles and she tell me all about 'Alto cumulus' and 'Haars'. We'll grow Petunias together and go on trips to East Kilbride. I can't wait a moment longer. It's killing me but not softly.

Will you help me with this plan Unkal Drago and can you lend me a fiver for the purchase/lease of the lovely 55A?