Chris Rea was due to play the part of the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves, but he refused to shave his goatee and wear a stunt beard so the part went to Alan Rickman.
In a curious incident several decades ago, Chris Rea sustained a bang to head whilst falling out of a competitive swimmer; he has suffered from Alopecia Totalis ever since. For years, it was an open secret in the industry that all of his royalties went on a compulsive shopping obsession for premium hairpieces.
Eventually Rea assembled a global team of fashion designers, briefing them to develop the finest prosthetic beard of all time; money no object.
After 7 person-years of development and countless prototypes, the beard was complete. It was truly magnificent and would surely outshine all other beards; making hairless men feel inadequate for life. Chris was going to set new global tends for male grooming.
Chris could not wait to unveil it, and planned to wear it for the first time at his O2 Apollo appearance in 2014.
Finally the day arrived. It was so momentous! He was jittery and giggly with excitement!
And so nevous, waiting for the delivery. He had to pre-load with much shandy to keep his nerves under cointrol.
And then....
Make-up artist: "It's arrived!"
Rea: "I don't have my contact lenses in; tell me, does it look
special?"
Make-up artist: "It is. <pause>... it is unique!"
Rea: "Will it make headlines around the world?"
Make-up artist: "It will, sir, undoubtedly"
Rea: "Glue it on and glow me up! This'll be a night I'll never forget!"
The make-up artist did what he could, which in many ways was quite creative. But what he didn't do was reveal to Rea that the courier company (then known as "Herpes") had screwed up and send the wrong thing.
None-the-wiser, Rea went out onto stage and stepped into the spotlight wearing a bright ginger merkin on his chin. History was made.
The resulting ridicule in the word's press continued for days. Rea fled to Ireland and has never performed since. He is believed to be living in County Donegal near the town of Muff, where he lives alone except for the company of his pet Sphynx cats. He shuns human contact and spends his days watching Kojak reruns.
