Tour De France - notre Equipe

[Noodley]

Noodly, I believe we've lost some of our more hungry riders to KFC.
Shall I tell them to get a family bucket?

KFC sounds good to me. Tell them to get a few buckets - we can use the empty ones for filling up with Champers when we get to Paris.

I've good news on the sponsorship front as well. SAGA appear to be interested in providing some assistance. I'm not sure if that's cos we're riding like a bunch of 70 year olds or because they like our old style spirit and never say die attitude. Maybe Cathryn's mum had some influence?

 

[Smokin Joe]

Excuse me, Smoky Joe, I always have a shower before I start giving riders a massage. - so I am usually very clean. I do find it can very tricky however, to have a shower in the bus while it is moving. With one hand you have to hold on to something.

I also expect the riders to have had a shower before they come for a massage. However, they are obviously very tired at the end of a race, so sometimes, they can miss bits out.

I'd better get in the shower with you then Speicher, just to make sure I don't forget

 

[Aperitif]

The Board of Sponsors have asked me to make sure that all the rider's nuts are tight for today's mountain stage Smokin Joe.
They also want to know if the Director Sportif bought the bikes at a branch of Halfords, or from a catalogue? From the television pictures it looks like Yenrod is riding an Okeycokey2000...
The Chairman has recovered from his massage Speicher and would like another hands-on session in at the earliest possible convenience.
The Board also ask for a concerted effort to remove our rival's name (Evans) from our bikes.
It seems to be stuck on everyone's back wheel at the moment.
Apart from that team - there is some serious mounting stages wot we hav to do before rolling triomphantly into Paris next week so...
"Let's be 'avin' you"

 

[Fnaar]

Not to worry..

I am more concerned with your VPL - never ever ever let me see you riding again wearing a pair of Y-fronts under your lycra!

Yes, wear the Y-fronts on top! (Not on your top, like instead of a jersey, coz that wouild be silly. I mean on top of your shorts).

 

[Aperitif]

Well done Team CSC for getting Evans off your wheels - The Board are awarding £10 Halfords vouchers to all squad members following today's great effort.
(Redeemable before 23rd July only - not transferrable either...)

 

[Speicher]

I may need to request some time tomorrow to raid the local pharmacies. Lots of people were falling off today, so I have run out of bondages bandages and TLC Tcp. Is there anything else that people need that I can fetch for them?

Please note that I do not know the French for "Go Faster Stripes".

 

[Dayvo]

Please note that I do not know the French for "Go Faster Stripes".

Something like, des rayures de plus vitesse.

Plus vitesse being something Jacqueline the podium girl was screaming in my ear the other night!

 

[Smokin Joe]

After the KFC diet that Noodley has put the riders on they already have go faster stripes, but they're not on the bikes.

 

[Speicher]

Has anyone seen Wafflycat recently? I seemed to have a lot more people than usual queuing up outside my the massage room today.

I have been talking to people at dinner, about the standard of their rooms and are they happy. It would appear that my room is the only one with a bath, as opposed to a shower.

If anyone wishes to take advantage of me my bathroom, please let me know. Please note that my contract prohibits me from administering massage while someone is in the bath. Also note that I wish to be in bed by 1 am in the morning. So would you please make sure you have finished bathing by then.

 

[Speicher]

You may notice two large cuddly lions at the back of the bus. Please note very kindly that they both belong to me. Members of this team have been unable to obtain yellow cuddly lions by the usual method, so I have co-erced Mr Valverde and Mr Sastre into giving me theirs.

 

[Cathryn]

I've good news on the sponsorship front as well. SAGA appear to be interested in providing some assistance. I'm not sure if that's cos we're riding like a bunch of 70 year olds or because they like our old style spirit and never say die attitude. Maybe Cathryn's mum had some influence?

My Mum's not that old! And she's very glamorous. She's known in sunny Wiltshire as the Silver Fox

 

[tdr1nka]

I've had a quick google and I think it's a another, different 'SAGA' holidays who have contacted the team.

Their brochure reads.......

'Tired of boring easy going holidays?
Want to have something to really moan about when you get home?
Try a real Saga holiday, our planes are late(first night in an airport lounge of your choice), change hotels owing to a variety of problems(inc. vermin, food poisoning and building site). Minimum accommodation change three times in any two week period'........

And this.......

..........'Our trained reps will see you through the ups and downs of your holiday fulfilling any number of your expectations, from the German on your sun lounger to the loud and messy drunken street brawls outside your windows in the early hours'.........

I think we should all be proud that someone has been watching the team thru this tour in some detail!

Yay Team!!

 

[Aperitif]

The Board of Sponsors will be pleased to meet all the remaining team for a hot chocolate in Angelinas after they have sweated their guts out again on the last stretch to Paris finished their working day.
As an impressive gesture, the Chairman has sourced four Trabant saloons which he has sprayed using aerosol products from our Hounslow superstore. All but one are painted in the Bikehut livery (the other has a bit of gaudy brown as there was a shortage of O'bama black on the shelves...).
It is only fair that the Director Sportif gets first nab is rewarded for his hard efforts. We understand that Smokin' Joe is also being rewarded for his hard efforts by receiving extra-mural (why did they build a false wall in the team bus anyway?)visits from the masseuse.
In all, not a bad Tour and now team, the Board, on board the Halfords yacht moored in Marseille, must repair to the foc'sle (I think that's what the Chairman said "You do foc'sle"?) and have some coffee and croissants.
As we say in the shops: 'Keep peddling - think of yer wages'.

 

[Speicher]

After listening to some conversations while riders were waiting for their massages, I have discovered there are some mis-conceptions about the time trial, with particular regard as to who can be quickest at doing things.

The general idea is that someone measures the time you take to get from the Start to the Finish, while keeping your bike rubber side down.

There is no time trial to see who can stay in the cafe until the latest possible moment, and still start at the Start on time. Similarly there is no time trial for getting to the Bar, which is 500 metres from the End.
Furthermore, there is no time trial for consumption of a drink once you get to the Bar.

It is very important to be ready at the start and not fidgetting with bibs and socks and shoes two seconds before the Off.

I have also noticed that the paint applied to the riders earlier in the week is starting to flake. In the hope that you all look your best on Arrival in Paris tomorrow, touching up will be left until early tomorrow morning.

BTW who is organising tomorrow night's party?

 

[Aperitif]

The Board trusts that affairs will be in order for tomorrow night's 'bash'. No, that doesn't mean another 'How to be a Blacksmith' tutorial from 'Meccano Joe' - we have seen what he can offer
Please be there to meet us Speicher as we will be arriving by helicopter. The Chairman has a big chopper and it will be possible to go for a ride with him at some stage...well the 21st stage actually!
Meanwhile, the party can be left in the hands of the Stockholm Swinger - he sent us one of his samples last week and it went down well - rosé if I remember correctly...but I don't recall who the other one was - nice girls though.
It would be nice to have a contribution from all those in team Cyclechatta & Nottanutha Glasobeer Todrink - but I understand they are a bunch of humourless individuals will be on a training session ready for the Voooooeltah! So good luck to them.
We'll be pissed discussing our next moves...