Things you'd like to say, but can't

[taxing]

Dear Fat Uncle,

Why do you keep making jokes about how fat I am, and how fat my arse is? I weigh a perfectly respectable 10 stone. You weigh about 25. So shut up lardarse. Sometimes even though I know I don't have a particularly fat arse, I don't want to hear jokes about it. Especially from someone who shouldn't be looking in the first place.

P.S. You're also ginger and smell a bit.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

You Twunts. Hiding behind the "procedures" is the cowards' way out for not engaging your tiny little brains in the first place. Now you don't have to live with this f*kc up but I do. You lot are a right bunch of pl*nk*rs and ought to be taken out at dawn and strung up till your little skulls rattle with the peas you call brains inside them.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

I think you look really attractive.

Get yer jacket, you've pulled!

 

[ComedyPilot]

To the bald, fat, grey haired gentleman driving his silver Mercedes Benz through Driffield on Monday 30/08/10.

The speed limit is 20mph, the car in front of me is doing 15-18mph, I am doing 15-18mph, I am riding a bicycle about 4 metres behind that car, not gaining on it, not losing ground, just maintaining position.

Was it really necessary to drive alongside, then squeeze me into the kerb when you realise there isn't room for your small-dick-substitute-mobile to safely get into a gap that isn't there?

Not at all necessary, especially with a personalised number plate C1 D*V

 

[MossCommuter]

you don't need to strip the bloody threads!! Just a gentle turn of the tap until the water stops is all that is required

 

[TVC]

Don't glare at me from your bedroom window whilst I'm cutting my lawn at 10am. I wasn't the one rolling out of a taxi singing and swearing at 3am waking up the entire street, that was you. Enjoy your headache.

 

[TheDoctor]

To anyone who feels the need to take two huge wheely cases and a rucksack around a crowded railway station, or on a train:-

[deep breath]
[RANT ON]

IF YOU RUN OVER MY FEET ONCE MORE I WILL KILL YOU TO DEATH!!!!!
I know it's hard manoeuvring that much luggage, which is why I don't.
See my rucksack? The 55 litre one that's not full? That I can easily lift?
That's got more stuff than I needed for 10 days away.
Why the blithering flip do you need that much stuff? Are you getting a train, or moving into it?
And while I'm on the topic - we all heard you talking about 'playing the dumb American'.
Trouble is, dear, we'd already figured that out from your irritating whiny voice.
Either fit the hell in, or f*ck the hell off.

[/rant]
[/deep breath]

*sits in lotus position, drinks tea*
*rocks slowly back and forth*

 

[CopperBrompton]

"Babies do not belong on long-haul flights. Full stop. They hate it. You hate it. Everyone within earshot (which is to say, about 20 rows of passengers) hates it. Go to bloody Cornwall until they are older."

 

[MossCommuter]

No, it's not my round.

I am single! Besides, she drinks double spirits and bottled mixers.

I am spending more than twice as much as you for the same number of drinks.

 

[Stig-OT-Dump]

I know it is called scrap metal, but it has value.

When tradesmen say they will take it away they are not being nice, they are being greedy.

The immersion heater was bad enough, and we had this conversation then.

So why did you let them take the back boiler and associated pipework?

The reason why the bloke took the metal away first and then came back to fill his van with rubble was because he was lining his pockets with a few quid to but a couple of bottles that should have been ours!

....and breathe.....

 

[2Loose]

I appreciate that any major decisions should go via you, but because you have so many meetings away from your staff, getting any info about what your decisions are is impossible. Twenty people are twiddling their thumbs because you are so important that you can't talk to anyone and last time anyone took their own initiative and god forbid tried to help someone out, you copped the strop. We aren't psychic, you need to make time to talk to us or everything stops. You are paid to know this so do it. If there isn't time, then start saying no to a couple of meetings a week!

 

[arallsopp]

Honey, can you move the Aston? The pool boy can't park and I fancy cleaning the 'bents on the drive.

 

[Spinney]

Well done, you've picked up your dog's c**p in a little plastic bag. So don't then fasten it to the fence or a tree. If there isn't a poo bin around TAKE IT HOME WITH YOU AND PUT IT IN YOUR BIN!! It would be better not to pick the stuff up at all - at least it would then wash away when it rains, or get eaten by worms/beetles/whatever, instead of hanging around for weeks or months in its little plastic bag. Which is not airtight enought to stop the smell coming out.

And breathe.... but not too near the plastic bag!

 

[Theseus]

To the UPS and white van delivery drivers waiting for the security people to see them and open the gates that allow them to get to the loading bay outside my window: ...

Get off your fat backsides and press the intercom button. Repeated blasts of the horn are a poor substitute.

 

[4F]

No I don't want your stupid store card with the hidden massive interest rates