Things you'd like to say, but can't

[Arch]

Everyday, when we come in for lunch, the first thing I do is fill the kettle and boil it, for a pot of tea for us all. Would it be too much to expect, when I have to get some stuff ready for the afternoon before I can get my lunch, that someone else would make the pot of tea?

Clearly it would.

 

[Nigel-YZ1]

Stop putting up with it big brother. Just divorce the bitch!!

 

[Puddles]

Dear mother please stop arriving on my doorstep 5 minutes after my husband gets home from a very long day at work, I know you are not deaf (yet) and I know you can hear him say "FFS that is your mother at the door again" you are not stupid take the hint, at that point just say "oh I am not stopping no tea for me I just came to drop off/fetch/tell you xyz" and then bugger orf. Do not just come in and say put the kettle on and then settle down for 2 hours. You DO know his shift pattern and so do not repeat this action the next night and then lie by saying "oh are you still on days"

 

[Cubist]

The door is closed because I am in the morning video briefing. It happens atb9.30 everyday, around the same time that you almost inevitably open my office door and ask whether its ok to come in and vac the carpet. And another thing, when I've got loads to do I'll not be breaking off to answer an unending stream of Smalltalk questions that are of no interest to me, and I know I occasionally stop work to make a coffee, and have offered you one in the past but that does not mean I intend to do it every day. Now get out.

 

[Nigel-YZ1]

You did the 'meter safety inspection' 2 weeks ago, which involved writing down the meter reading and leaving.
Why am I being threatened with a court order to enter my house again now?

Don't blame the computer either - I've been working with them for 30 years and if you tell one the 'legal threat based meter reader' has been they tend not to reprint things.
Goodbye NPower.

 

[Crackle]

I am not your mate, I am not your pal, nor am I part of a flowering plant, so take your false bonhomie and stick it up your jacksie!

 

[EltonFrog]

Some people are bloody idiots.

"NO! I would not like to recommend someone else to do my job cheaper than I can do it! Feckin' twunt!

 

[Cubist]

You are asking me to fill in a survey with information that I don't use, nor do I know where to obtain that information. I have been doing this job for a considerable length of time without knowing that particular answer, and as far as I am concerned it is completely irrelevant. It says at the top of the survey that all six of my colleagues carrying out the same function must know this and work with this information every day. We have collective news for you. We don't. None of us. And if ever any of you had actually done this job instead of reading about it, you'd have known that. Pillock.

 

[TVC]

@Cubist Bad day?

 

[marknotgeorge]

You say the 45p a mile doesn't cover your motoring costs? That's because you're running a 4.8 litre BMW, you daft mare...

Yes, those benefit scroungers are terrible. What's that you say? You want Tarquin & Persephone's school fees to be a condition of your one-man company's employment, so the cost comes off the company's Corporation Tax, and you only pay tax on the benefit in kind? Of course...

Our fees are too high? That's because you can't add up. If you could, you'd know that a Tesco bag full of receipts isn't exactly what the Companies Act had in mind when it talks about good record-keeping. And by the way, do you really mean to tell me you wouldn't drink this much coffee if you weren't working?

I love my job. I just wish there wasn't so much emphasis on tax evasion avoidance planning...

 

[Night Train]

Dear garden bugs,
I am not part of your staple diet.
Please stop trying to eat me. It hurts me, and if I catch you it will hurt you more.
Regards,
NT

 

[Silver Fox]

I really enjoyed flying over the handlebars last night.

 

[Puddles]

Dear "concerned parent" please stop telling tales to the "Headmistress" you are a parent not a pupil sort your own sh*t out

 

[Lullabelle]

When TVC and I go to a shop or we are accosted by a 'seller' I do get rather annoyed when the approach is 'Hi Guys' I know I am no supermodel but really that is just not on!

 

[TheDoctor]

We're finally back to the situation we were in six years ago, so forgive me if I don't cheer too loudly...