Ping: fellow depressives

[Blackandblue]

This may just come out as a stream of consciousness, for which apologies.

First, all the best to TI and all the others that are experiencing problems. Bravo for your honesty.

I have read every post on this thread and the ones that have interested me most are those that touch on how others deal with people suffering from depression - particularly family members.

I was going to post asking how to deal with a partner who is suffering from depression when I came across this thread.

I like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent and able to work things out. But I am at a total loss as to how to help my wife.

She has accepted she has a problem and is on medication. In all fairness to her she accepted this some time ago but was reluctant to go on meds and I agreed believing/hoping that we could get through it together.

It took the death of our daughter to finally make us both see sense.

The meds help. But not totally. This week has been awful. We have two young boys and it's school hols. She can hardly pull herself off the sofa. Matters came to a bit of a head yesterday. I offered to help but didn't know how. She was reluctant to acknowledge she needed help. I pointed out a few behavioural abnormalities and she threw a few things back in my face. We made peace. Matters seemed to ease. But I feel there is still a tension. In truth I also feel I may too need help. But am scared to seek it in case I can't then be there for my wife. Even though I don't feel that I am there for her as matters presently stand because I just don't know how to help.

We miss our daughter. Enormously. She was severely disabled. With a life limiting condition. Nevertheless she went suddenly, which I guess was probably a good thing.

Comments about seeking out bad days resonate with me. There is a guilt attached to good days.

I can't really write very much more at the moment.

 

[NickM]

What do you do when it starts coming down again? I need your help. PM me if you don't want to out yourself here.

Thoughts gratefully received.

TI

Sorry to hear you've been suffering, TI.

I drink alcohol. Not hugely; just enough. There is nothing more effective, in my experience. But I don't think you do that, do you?

I have found prescription drugs more dishonest than helpful; exercise is the last thing I feel like doing. Talking cures can work for a while, but I'm not interested in learning coping mechanisms for things which should not be as they are.

In this book, it is suggested that it may be helpful simply to re-label depression as "melancholy", and rather than attempt to sort it out, try instead to engage with it as a part of normal life. If that tactic makes it seem something understandable (given the state of the world), rather than something which comes out of nowhere for no apparent reason, then the approach sounds worth giving a go to me.

 

[Hacienda71]

This may just come out as a stream of consciousness, for which apologies.

First, all the best to TI and all the others that are experiencing problems. Bravo for your honesty.

I have read every post on this thread and the ones that have interested me most are those that touch on how others deal with people suffering from depression - particularly family members.

I was going to post asking how to deal with a partner who is suffering from depression when I came across this thread.

I like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent and able to work things out. But I am at a total loss as to how to help my wife.

She has accepted she has a problem and is on medication. In all fairness to her she accepted this some time ago but was reluctant to go on meds and I agreed believing/hoping that we could get through it together.

It took the death of our daughter to finally make us both see sense.

The meds help. But not totally. This week has been awful. We have two young boys and it's school hols. She can hardly pull herself off the sofa. Matters came to a bit of a head yesterday. I offered to help but didn't know how. She was reluctant to acknowledge she needed help. I pointed out a few behavioural abnormalities and she threw a few things back in my face. We made peace. Matters seemed to ease. But I feel there is still a tension. In truth I also feel I may too need help. But am scared to seek it in case I can't then be there for my wife. Even though I don't feel that I am there for her as matters presently stand because I just don't know how to help.

We miss our daughter. Enormously. She was severely disabled. With a life limiting condition. Nevertheless she went suddenly, which I guess was probably a good thing.

Comments about seeking out bad days resonate with me. There is a guilt attached to good days.

I can't really write very much more at the moment.

As a sufferer rather than a relative, a couple of things I have appreciated have been a hug and also someone being there for me and trying to get me to do things even if I said I just wanted to be on my own and vegitate. You may find your wife will not respond to this support while she is suffering but it will help and in time she will thank you. Best of luck

 

[BrumJim]

B&B:
With depression there are no short-term fixes. The answer as to how to get her off the sofa is complex, individual, fixed in that moment of time, and impossible to read. Maybe there is a right way at that moment to encourage her, but the chances of getting it wrong are much higher than the right options.

So concentrate on the long term. Find out how to avoid the problem in the first place. Make a plan to improve the situation, by distraction. Find out how she is thinking when she is in a sofa mood. Find out what gives short term lifts, what gives general satisfaction, what needs to be addressed. Kind words can be useless in the wrong situation, but delivered regularly and heartfelt they can help in the long term. Talk, but only when she can - a good day - rather than when the problem surfaces.

So, sorry - I can't give you any advice for today, other than don't concentrate on today - look to what can be done for next week, next month, and next year.

 

[Blackandblue]

Thanks, Hacienda71 and BrumJim.

 

[jarushby]

Silly as it seems, but I get out and ride my bike. I watched my father suffer with depression for over 50 years, his problem was that he had nothing to fall back on, no hobbies as such.


So with regret I have a family history of depression sufferers. Me included for a few weeks when my dad passed away. But I stopped taking the tablets that the doctor had prescribed and went and did more miles on my bike. Its the best medicine by far and it has no side affects either!

Absolutely right. The difficulty with this is that when you get really low you simply can't push yourself to get on the bike. If possible you need to "catch yourself" when you are coming down and get out on the bike before you "hit the bottom". Alternatively communicate with your partner/friend/anyone when you are not in a dark place that when you are really down they must do anything to get you to either ride your bike/go for a walk etc etc.

Hardly a fool-proof solution I know but it has helped me on several occasions.

 

[courtenay]

Hi all

I was diagnosed with manic derpression approx 10 yrs ago now and prescribed seroxat which apart from weight gain (The main reason i have decided to get back into cycling) has given me very few side effects.

I have found that there are tell tell signs of a down period coming on long before it does ( depending on how self analytical you are ).

Generally first my motivation will slowly begin to slip i've found that catching myself at this point will generally solve things, it normally takes a cpl of weeks of keep pushing myself, but i will generally pull back out of it then. If i dont catch myself at this point i generally tend to continue to slide no matter what i do usually ending in bouts of agoraphobia and sociaphobia.

What works for me may not work for the next person depression is a very personal thing and varies from person to person.

I do find though that avoiding caffiene,sugary substances, alcohol, red meat and dairy when i feel a down period coming on can help a great deal as these things all tend to either give you a high followed by a crash or generally just make your body feel lethargic.

I also tend to find on a day to day basis that lots of fresh salad, fruit and fish in my diet, and keeping my alcohol consumption down to a night out once or twice a month helps considerably.

And it goes without saying if you suffer with depression in any form avoid cannabis use at all costs, you may think at the time its helping, but it infact prolongs and worsens the overall outcome.

Ill shut up driveling now, lol, but i hope this helps.

 

[steve30]

Generally first my motivation will slowly begin to slip i've found that catching myself at this point will generally solve things, it normally takes a cpl of weeks of keep pushing myself, but i will generally pull back out of it then. If i dont catch myself at this point i generally tend to continue to slide no matter what i do usually ending in bouts of agoraphobia and sociaphobia.

I seem to be a bit like that.

One of my problems is that I have lost interest in a lot of things and have no motivation to do anything.

I started cycling regularly in summer 2009, primarily because I became too old for cheap bus fares. I enjoyed it so started going out more and bought a new bike. Unfortunately though, I often had no motivation to go out and during a few times when my bike needed work doing to it, had hardly any motivation to do it.

There were a few occasions around this time last year when I was at college on a one day per week course. I would go out on Monday morning, come back on Monday night and not go out again until next Monday. The same occurred sometimes when I was on a 'full time' course a couple of years ago. I would go home on Friday night and not go out again till next Wednesday morning.

But I am definitely fitter than I was a year ago, so that is a good thing .

My interests in electronics and computers have also started to disappear. It took me ages to build a battery charger for my bike lights and that is about all I have done with electronics this year, compared to a couple of years ago when I was building a computer based temperature measurement system. But even when I was doing that at college I still felt crap. But going to college regularly etc gave me some motivation to get on with the project.

To put it simply, I just don't give a toss about anything any more.

But I will probably want to retract the above sentence on a better day.

Fortunately, I have a part time job which is three hours every day and is quite physically active, so that is always worth looking forward to. I am allowed to just get on with the job on my own and do it in my own order etc, so nothing to upset me there. I have felt a bit better since starting that as it has given me something to do. Unfortunately though, sleep issues make it had to plan anything (like going out) round the job. But I manage, just.

 

[Nigel-YZ1]

Just thought I'd keep the thread going with a suggestion.

My depression has been getting very serious over the last few months. Then I made a friend who is good at controlling herself mentally. She's lovely and positive to be around (shame she has a boyfriend though!).

Anyway, what else did she get me into? Golf and Tai Chi.

Golf can be frustrating as hell, but it's a new challenge to throw myself at, with plenty of moving about and fast walking, and when it works right - a massive satisfaction at seeing that ruddy ball fly off like a rocket powered sparrer.

But the Tai Chi is a revelation! The feel good factor is enormous. I really, really recommend trying it. Takes a few sessions to start learning, but now I'm doing 10 minutes every day, with some breathing exercises to follow, and a feel more able to cope with each day. Didn't have to join anything either, this is a £3.50 a week class run in a village hall by LFH Tai Chi.

That's not to say that my problems don't catch back up with me, and I don't end up a tearful mess every couple of days. But it's early days. It's helping me with confidence, with calming myself, and the class is full of people way older than me, so it's like being adopted. It's cheerful and fun.

For me these two things have been a way forward.

Just in case you're a depressive looking for ideas, there's two for you.

Keep up the fight!

 

[Evilcat]

Just a quick note in favour of drugs. I'm normally the last person to resort to drug therapy, having had very bad side effects from Paroxetine (Seroxat) a few years back as a result of being diagnosed with depression rather than bipolarity, said Paroxetine sending me into a full blown manic state which was very frightening.

However, after spending the last 10 years with both ups and downs things got very bad before Xmas last year, ending up with my sitting in a puddle in City Road pretty much unable to walk, talk or think. For the sake of my partner I got a referral to a psychiatrist who diagnosed ultradian type II bipolarity and after a couple of false starts (Depakote/Epilim -- not much fun) ended up on Lamotrigine which has improved matters no end. It's a slightly scary drug (possible fatal side effects initially) but it has done me the world of good: moods evened out and an end to crippling depressive episodes.

So, from someone who previously would take nothing more than the odd Nurofen, I'm now a convert for both getting professional help and for getting the (right) drugs.

EC

 

[courtenay]

Two things that have suprised me about this thread is, 1 the honesty with which people have posted and 2. the amount of people that have posted, it gives me great comfort as i hope it does others to know that deppression is much more common a condition then i realised, as a large part of deppresion is feeling very alone in it and that no one would ever understand how it feels, its good to know that other people have the same feelings and your not on your own.

The last cpouple of weeks has been a bit of a fight for me as im looking at my first Xmas without my wife and children since they where born, as well as being in financial difficulty due to having to move 200 miles from the area i have spent all my life, which will mean i am not likely to be able to go and see them or buy them much in the way of presents and am obviously not looking forward to it.

Once again thank you all for posting and i applaud your honesty and hope all is as well as it can be.

 

[pepecat]

*waves* Another one here....

I personally reckon a combination of meds and therapy is the way forward. I rekcon meds get you to the point where you can at least think, or see the wood from the trees. I found meds helped me take a step back, in a sense, so that I could then cope with therapy - trying to think vaguely sensibly about things rather than just doing the 'everything's crap, why bother?' thing.
I guess meds on their own would (and do) help, but they only deal with the 'symptoms'; they don't get to the 'root' of the issue - the reasons WHY we react /act/ think in certain ways when certain things happen. I figure that's what therapy is for - it gets at the root of stuff and helps us learn why we do / think things the way we do and helps us work out different ways of doing things in the future.

 

[Hacienda71]

*waves* Another one here....

I personally reckon a combination of meds and therapy is the way forward. I rekcon meds get you to the point where you can at least think, or see the wood from the trees. I found meds helped me take a step back, in a sense, so that I could then cope with therapy - trying to think vaguely sensibly about things rather than just doing the 'everything's crap, why bother?' thing.
I guess meds on their own would (and do) help, but they only deal with the 'symptoms'; they don't get to the 'root' of the issue - the reasons WHY we react /act/ think in certain ways when certain things happen. I figure that's what therapy is for - it gets at the root of stuff and helps us learn why we do / think things the way we do and helps us work out different ways of doing things in the future.

I have a similar view meds are the metaphoric crutch but are not the cure. They help but are not the answer in themselves.

 

[Evilcat]

I have a similar view meds are the metaphoric crutch but are not the cure. They help but are not the answer in themselves.

Both psychotherapy and drug therapy are clearly of benefit to those with mood disorders. However, researchers do hypothesize a physical cause to serious mood disorders, and meta analyses have found different neurological characteristics in sufferers, so drugs should not be seen as merely a "crutch", rather as a proper treatment. YMMV -- my experiences of therapy have been poor, but getting the right drug help has improved my life no end.

EC

 

[Flying_Monkey]

I've always managed to avoid taking any drugs. That's been difficult at times but it's worked for me. I've been through therapy of indifferent, incompetent and, finally, excellent kinds. I have learned to manage the major shifts not by worrying about when the downswings will happen but by paying attention and realizing when I am getting 'too happy' (careless, manic etc.) and just shaving the edges off this through exercise and meditation. I now find that I do not fall into such deeper holes, although the highs and lows are also things that are just part of who I am and he way I work - and I certainly would not want to lose the inspiration and creativity that (for me) comes with this condition, whatever you decide to call it.