Living with someone from another culture

[mudsticks]

My wife lives with her perfect partner. Well I say lives with, more like puts up with.

A bit like

'having to live with'

a non life threatening, yet incurable medical condition.??

 

[Supersuperleeds]

A bit like

'having to live with'

a non life threatening, yet incurable medical condition.??

You've met me then?

 

[mudsticks]

You've met me then?

Well for alI i know..

 

[Pat "5mph"]

If she has a relationship with someone from another culture it requires that he has one too? No?

No lol!
My mother (German) married an Italian in the '60s. His (my mother's husband's) brother married a Scottish woman at around the same time.
I lived with a Cypriot man for many years. My best friend lived with an Italian for many years.
All of the women in these relationships assimilated the man's culture. None of the men did reciprocate.
Of course, I am talking about Mediterranean men, many years ago.
Don't know about British men, or what today's generation abroad are like.

The females are more invested in the personal relation than than what the community and others think. The guys on the other hand tend to worry about what mom, dad and uncle Tony things.

Well, I have seen plenty of this attitude, both abroad and here in the UK in immigrant communities.
Surely though, times must have changed?
On the by, I recommend (hindsight ) that any couple with different cultural backgrounds spend at least a year in the other's country/community before declaring undying love or having kids.
It would save so many tears in years to come!

 

[stephec]

I work with 2 Lancastrians, that's more than enough!!

You lucky boy, you must have been very good in a previous life to have earned that.

 

[All uphill]

No lol!
My mother (German) married an Italian in the '60s. His (my mother's husband's) brother married a Scottish woman at around the same time.
I lived with a Cypriot man for many years. My best friend lived with an Italian for many years.
All of the women in these relationships assimilated the man's culture. None of the men did reciprocate.
Of course, I am talking about Mediterranean men, many years ago.
Don't know about British men, or what today's generation abroad are like.


Well, I have seen plenty of this attitude, both abroad and here in the UK in immigrant communities.
Surely though, times must have changed?
On the by, I recommend (hindsight ) that any couple with different cultural backgrounds spend at least a year in the other's country/community before declaring undying love or having kids.
It would save so many tears in years to come!

Hindsight is wonderful isn't it?

My advice would be to think very carefully if your partner-to-be doesn't/won't learn your language. That would suggest to me that you are going to have to do most of the adjusting.

 

[HobbesOnTour]

No lol!
My mother (German) married an Italian in the '60s. His (my mother's husband's) brother married a Scottish woman at around the same time.
I lived with a Cypriot man for many years. My best friend lived with an Italian for many years.
All of the women in these relationships assimilated the man's culture. None of the men did reciprocate.
Of course, I am talking about Mediterranean men, many years ago.
Don't know about British men, or what today's generation abroad are like.

Ah, that may be true but you're talking about assimilation while I was trying to understand the logic that more women had relationships with foreign men than vice versa.

I do wonder though if the location of the couple has an influence on assimilation?
If a couple from countries A & B live in country Z then I'd expect that relationship to operate on different dynamics than if they were in A or B.

Also, if they are in a "home" country for one of them the presence (or otherwise) of family would have a large impact, I'd imagine never mind the fact that one of them is not "at home".

And culture? How broad do we want to define it?
Every country, no matter how small, has the "joke" region. Belgium, as an extreme example, is very, very different north and south. Protestant Netherlands is different to the Catholic south.
If I tell people I'm Irish there will inevitably be a comment about drink. We're seen as boisterous drinkers. Yet, something like 1/4 to 1/3 of the population don't drink at all!

I'd suggest family culture is just as important, if not more so, and there can be lots of family cultures even within one "National" culture. In some cases a relationship with a foreigner might be less strange than a relationship with someone from a very different family dynamic. Especially if children are involved. What's "normal" for one is anything but for another.

When talking about different language unions I'd think that an understanding of the other's language to be very important. Language is an insight into culture and thought not just a way of communicating. I'd nearly go so far as to suggest that not having to learn a partner's language could be a disadvantage if both are from different countries separated by a common language.

From my own experience of living abroad I can think of more guys than girls who assimilated. However, one reason is that there was a far larger pool of guys so that was always going to be the case. Another was that they were abroad and embraced that fact. Not everyone does.

Anyways, relationships can be complicated things and nationality or culture is only one of many, many potential complications

Aren't finances supposed to be the biggest cause of friction?

 

[Arrowfoot]

Boys networking together to uphold the network, and to impress the boys..

Whilst the little lady stays at home to tend the hearth, and bake cookies right

I note this in the new generation of the female gender and those who have better educated and hold positions in body corporate.

They don't depend on traditional or outdated stereotypes or what the community expects. They choose their own partners.

 

[Arrowfoot]

I guess this chat topic was always likely to invite vast generalisations; many of which may have a grain of truth for some, and be unhelpful to others.

My generalisations for this topic are that culture runs deep in us and a relationship across cultural borders requires understanding, embracing and a recognition that neither person is the foreigner or native within the home. It took me a divorce to learn that!

Tell me why I am wrong!

Close to every topic in CC runs along the lines of generalisation from helmets to wide tyres. Forums are meant to take into account individual observations and anecdotes whether it has the numbers or not. It also may be one individual's bad experience but it still helps. Forums helps to bring this out and does help air subjects and topics, rather than keep it inside.

The World is interconnected. Divorces are the norm whether you marry within your community or not. I have seen (anecdotal) wonderful cross cultural couples from my University days still going strong and into 2nd and 3rd generation. And seen unions within the same community go pear shaped.

 

[Arrowfoot]

Well, I have seen plenty of this attitude, both abroad and here in the UK in immigrant communities.
Surely though, times must have changed?
On the by, I recommend (hindsight ) that any couple with different cultural backgrounds spend at least a year in the other's country/community before declaring undying love or having kids.
It would save so many tears in years to come!

As divorces are now common, whether with different cultural backgrounds or not. It very much depends on each partner. If one partner considers his family as first priority rather than the partner, then the marriage is going to face headwinds.

I am also mindful of communities where family, family honour and community values comes first rather than the partner. Any union with a partner from that community is going to be a challenge.

And to your point, it does make sense to dip your toes first in that country or community first to see what you are facing.

What I however consider petty or masked excuses are claims that the partner is unable to learn the language, able to cook the local cuisine or unable to get along with the other partner's family. Personality mismatch is understandable

 

[FrothNinja]

I'm from Queensland & I live with a Lancastrian in east Lancashire - after over 25 years here I am yet to meet another local with a similar childhood - apart from cricket and underage drinking/smoking which seem to be a deLingua-nt Franca

 

[steveindenmark]

I have been with Jannie for 17 years, she is Danish. My brothers partner is Hungarian. One of Jannies nephews is married to a Mexican and the other an American. We have regular get togethers and get on great

 

[Proto]

I married a South African woman. Like all white South Africans, she can be a bit bossy. Still together after 42 years, though!

After much difficult family research (very complicated), she has discovered her grandfather was Danish!

 

[DCLane]

I married a South African woman. Like all white South Africans, she can be a bit bossy. Still together after 42 years, though!

SWMBO spent her formative years in South Africa. Says it all really👧

 

[Pat "5mph"]

I do wonder though if the location of the couple has an influence on assimilation?
If a couple from countries A & B live in country Z then I'd expect that relationship to operate on different dynamics than if they were in A or B.

Also, if they are in a "home" country for one of them the presence (or otherwise) of family would have a large impact, I'd imagine never mind the fact that one of them is not "at home".

When talking about different language unions I'd think that an understanding of the other's language to be very important. Language is an insight into culture and thought not just a way of communicating. I'd nearly go so far as to suggest that not having to learn a partner's language could be a disadvantage if both are from different countries separated by a common language.

Imo, you're absolutely correct

Aren't finances supposed to be the biggest cause of friction?

In my days, a well known con was for the (invariably male) charming foreigner to plead women for money for (insert incurable disease of your choice here) surgery for a loved one.
Heck, one of my own family members did this to me, forgetting that I'm a lot wiser after 37 years in the UK
Before you call me a basteward, the money was given, the person with 3 alleged cancers is still alive 10 years later, Italy has a perfectly adequate NHS, no need to pay for surgery