I hate this month

[Arch]

Once again I come to the thread a little late and it's pretty much all been said, but I'll just add my best wishes. I can claim some understanding of what you're going through from personal experience, although not quite the same. I can't offer much advice except keep talking about it, even if that means finding new people who are comfortable listening - I think maybe 'us lot' are quite good at it, because we do have such a wide range of experience.

Apart from horrible anniversaries, it's a crap time of year, and this year I think the worst weather has just started to set in, and I think that can't be helping. You can't do anything about the weather, but you can remember that in only a month, the days do start to get longer again - even if you don't notice it. This is an uncharateristically optimistic thought for me, so hang on to it!


All the best....

 

[Jacomus-rides-Gen]

Hi everyone,

I just want to start by saying thank you, for your kind and heartfelt support. What I write here might come across as a bit cold, but that is just a product of my feelings at the moment, and I do really genuinely mean what I say.

I have cut again since my last post, in the early hours of yesterday morning I snuck out of bed and did it, cowering in the bathroom. I choked on tears and cut too deep, it wouldn't stop bleeding and I was forced to go to hospital. At hospital I was treated like scum, and it wasn't until the lady waiting for her little boy to be seen pointed out to the staff that I was in fact making a pool of blood on the floor, and kicked up a fuss until they saw me.

The nurse who took charge of me was patronizing and offensive, and was so rough with me that I screamed. He also made sure that I knew by this "stupid, attention seeking teenage drama" that I was depriving "more deserving people" of care.

I had little strength in me when I went, and was so humiliated I had no fight left in me. They bandaged me and sent me on my way. I wasn't looking for sympathy, but I thought that at least the doctor who briefly saw me would be above telling me to stop "messing around, get a hobby or something. Most people who cut themselves are just bored."

Today has been better, after a horrible night trying to explain to Emily why I didn't tell her what was happening we had a nice morning together before she went to lectures. I spent a fair amount of time cleaning the kitchen, I find it relaxing to make everything clean and tidy.

I made a big pasta lunch - cycling fuel, and went out on the bike for a couple of hours. It was intermittently lashing with rain, freezing cold wind blowing me around and drizzling - it was perfect for what I needed. The wet conditions meant I didn't take any risks (I have no wet weather confidence), and they were harsh enough for me to focus on how nasty it was, and push into the pain. I was daring the conditions to overwhealm me, and at one point I thought I was in trouble, but a licorice bar sorted me out and I pushed on home. Despite the conditions I managed a 28kph average, which is quite pleasing.

This evening I am focusing on the little things that will make me feel good. I have been doing some washing and ironing, and once I have posted this I am going to tidy me room. My housemates are being fantastic and we are having dinner together, tacos mmm... , and Emily is coming for that and a dvd afterwards.

I have gone through this thread a few times, reading what you have all written. It means a lot to me that you have taken the time to post such supportive messages. I can do little more than to sincerely thank you again, and promise to keep fighting on, one day at a time.

I've even had a shave, and spiked my mohawk up

 

[Fab Foodie]

Glad you're back Jacomus, appreciate the update, I think we were all a tad worried.
Also pleased that you are able to communicate still to us. Keep the channels open eh? Talk to whoever will listen.
In my experience there are people who whilst just fellow cyclists also have a broad range of personal professional insight, skills and understanding and might be of help.
Please keep posting the good and the bad, keep close to your loved ones and those that love you and live one day at a time.
We want you around to enrich our lives.

 

[Dayvo]

Keep at it, Jacomus!
It's a rough ride, for sure, but you WILL start to see the daylight again.
Things WILL improve.
I feel for you, as we ALL do, but with our, and other's support, you'll pull through.
You HAVE to. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about!

 

[ash68]

yes, i second the comments by fab foodie. We need you posting on here, good or bad, it's like one big family on here. We all need help and advice at some point, good to know we can rely on one another for that.As you say Jacomus, one day at a time.Good moto to have.

 

[domtyler]

Hi everyone,

I just want to start by saying thank you, for your kind and heartfelt support. What I write here might come across as a bit cold, but that is just a product of my feelings at the moment, and I do really genuinely mean what I say.

I have cut again since my last post, in the early hours of yesterday morning I snuck out of bed and did it, cowering in the bathroom. I choked on tears and cut too deep, it wouldn't stop bleeding and I was forced to go to hospital. At hospital I was treated like scum, and it wasn't until the lady waiting for her little boy to be seen pointed out to the staff that I was in fact making a pool of blood on the floor, and kicked up a fuss until they saw me.

The nurse who took charge of me was patronizing and offensive, and was so rough with me that I screamed. He also made sure that I knew by this "stupid, attention seeking teenage drama" that I was depriving "more deserving people" of care.

I had little strength in me when I went, and was so humiliated I had no fight left in me. They bandaged me and sent me on my way. I wasn't looking for sympathy, but I thought that at least the doctor who briefly saw me would be above telling me to stop "messing around, get a hobby or something. Most people who cut themselves are just bored."

Today has been better, after a horrible night trying to explain to Emily why I didn't tell her what was happening we had a nice morning together before she went to lectures. I spent a fair amount of time cleaning the kitchen, I find it relaxing to make everything clean and tidy.

I made a big pasta lunch - cycling fuel, and went out on the bike for a couple of hours. It was intermittently lashing with rain, freezing cold wind blowing me around and drizzling - it was perfect for what I needed. The wet conditions meant I didn't take any risks (I have no wet weather confidence), and they were harsh enough for me to focus on how nasty it was, and push into the pain. I was daring the conditions to overwhealm me, and at one point I thought I was in trouble, but a licorice bar sorted me out and I pushed on home. Despite the conditions I managed a 28kph average, which is quite pleasing.

This evening I am focusing on the little things that will make me feel good. I have been doing some washing and ironing, and once I have posted this I am going to tidy me room. My housemates are being fantastic and we are having dinner together, tacos mmm... , and Emily is coming for that and a dvd afterwards.

I have gone through this thread a few times, reading what you have all written. It means a lot to me that you have taken the time to post such supportive messages. I can do little more than to sincerely thank you again, and promise to keep fighting on, one day at a time.

I've even had a shave, and spiked my mohawk up

You can come and 'relax' round my place any time Jaco!

 

[gbb]

Over the last couple of days I've fought against the welling mire of blackness inside me, but have now lost.

Today it hit me, so hard I had to go out on my bike, had to leave the house with no money to make sure I couldn't cut myself. I rode for five hours and don't remember where I went or what happened, at one point I had to stop because I was crying and couldn't see.

I am so sick of this, this helpless choking oppressive blankness, it shrouds me and nothing smells right anymore. .......

What a messed up month, and it won't get any better until January is done.

Sorry guys, been away for a few days..
JRG, my deepest thoughts are for you..please dont see this as a negative reply, dwelling on the bad stuff. What i say has a purpose based on my experiences.
You must be very cautious of the black moments in your life..they can take hold if you're not careful. Dont always think you can get through it, because heaven forbid, one day, you may not...and the black feelings become almost permanent. I know, ive been there.

Even though you may have got through this before, dont chance it...go to the docs...
If i'd done that early on, i coulda saved myself years of heartache....please please do go....i felt better within weeks, so much so i cant believe i was so stubborn for so long, so much lost time....so pointless.

I really cant tell you the difference it made for me, a few weeks of medication, christ.... what a difference.

 

[Jacomus-rides-Gen]

Hi everyone, I have been back to see the councellors today - I have been in and out since the crash, and always find that they help a bit. I do always turn down medication though, after spending 9 months in pure hell, almost entirely emotionless, sexless and still depressed.

We had a long chat about what was happening again, and I found the reassurance that I was going to be ok very useful. It is odd how I have had a lot of people telling me that I'm strong etc recently, when I feel the total opposite.

There is something different in me this time though, something the councellor picked up on and has made me think about - I haven't wished an end to my life yet. I have wondered why I am still here, and even whether it is right that I am here, but I have not had thoughts of suicide.

This time I have someone to live for.

After having a good time earlier, I am back down low again now, though there is something oddly comfortable about this feeling. I know that I am depressed, and my arms itch and are sore from the previous days cuts, but I am comfortable where I am.

Sat in my pristine room, with some very carefully organised clutter, one of my favorite bands on the stereo and the knowlege that I am doing better than before.

Its very hard to describe, but it is almost as if I feel safe like this. I am low and everything feels kind of fuzzy, but I don't have nasty thoughts or cravings, I just want to do nothing.

Mohawk status: floppy
Beard status: Unshaved

 

[Speicher]

If you feel like you just want to do nothing, then do so. Tidying and cleaning your room and putting on the music you like, may have helped you feel calmer, perhaps just a tiny bit, but calmer. You may feel that your immediate environment is, for now, or at least for this evening, under your control.

I would not suggest that you continue to do nothing for all of tomorrow, but it may help you to think. When I started to go down hill, everyone suggested some sort of activity or another, when now I know that I should have given myself time to think, or not think, or just try to relax.
Music was a definite help.

I should also have carried with things that I thought would help me to feel better, rather than the things that other people were so sure would help me feel better.
After one particularly tragic event, the thing I felt I could do, was to go into the garden and do some light pruning of plants. I can therefore see that when you cleaned and tidyied up yesterday, that may have been therapeutic. I really hope that you are able to find other things that help you.

 

[Kirstie]

I've also been depressed, and I remember at its worst I couldn't even remember anything that happened more than 2 hours previously, and had no conception of anything after 2 hours into the future either, so I just went with it and took the tiniest steps. It worked for me.

Jacomus, your comments about your immediate environment reminded me of that time. Also your post script about your mohawk and beard made me smile.

 

[Van Nick]

I'm certainly no expert but like Arch has said, this has got to be the worst time of year with few daylight hours, during which there ialways seems to be wall-to-wall grey skies. It's even enough to make people feel down that don't normally suffer with depression. I have a friend that suffers with SAD and he has found a lot of relief from one of those special "daylight" lamps that you can buy.

Like others have said, I think it's very important to try to keep yourself busy as much as you can and also try to have something to look for to all the time.

I know it perhaps sounds a bit silly and trivial, but even ordering a new gadget for your bike and waiting for it to be delivered can help.

Maybe you could go away for a few days on a "city break" to Paris or somewhere.

I always find that once christmas is over and the new year starts, you can definitely detect the increasing daylight hours and there is an air of optimism as the signs of spring start to appear, especially as spring seems to arrive earlier each year.

I can't pretend to know how you are feeling, but hang on in there and keep posting on this forum if you feel that it helps you.

 

[Cathryn]

I haven't contributed to the thread yet simply because I feel completely unqualified to help at all. But I just wanted to send an enormous hug and lots of sympathy. It's a horrid time of year at the best of times, but it will get better!

 

[Fab Foodie]

Hi Jacomus, your words struck a chord with me:

"Its very hard to describe, but it is almost as if I feel safe like this. I am low and everything feels kind of fuzzy, but I don't have nasty thoughts or cravings, I just want to do nothing."

I used to call it my "Comfortably Numb" time/feeling from Pink Floyd's the wall album which on a depression note I seem to relate to. I must admit that when in my last really low period I sought both counselling and medication, somehow they both worked. I think without I would have lost my family. So I sat in my Comfortably numb state for several weeks, nattering here, mooching around, probably much like you're doing now. Then one day, I simply had enough, binned the pills, and sorted myself out.
Stuff is mostly good now but I'd have never got through it without the Comfortably numb period...somehow that allowed my faculties to sstraighten themselves out. Fortunately a very enduring wife allowed me to simply "be" for as long as it took.
Jacomus, I hope this period of calm will be the start or your "recovery" (if that is the right word), take your time, as Kirstie says just do little steps.

I wished I'd grown a Mohican...instead I rarely shaved, wore Tracksters, T-shirts and a bandanna...a clothing state that reflected my mood...shabby, so make sure you keep that hair spiked!
Take care, FF.

 

[Arch]

I would not suggest that you continue to do nothing for all of tomorrow, but it may help you to think. When I started to go down hill, everyone suggested some sort of activity or another, when now I know that I should have given myself time to think, or not think, or just try to relax.

I'd agree with this. After I lost my partner, for a while I expected to just carry on as normal, get back to the PhD. Eventually, after months of not getting anywhere with it, I 'owned up' about how I was to my supervisor, and he said "Right, suspend for a bit, here's the form..." I reckon he knew what I needed before I did. I'm lucky in that I had money saved, so I've been able to completely write off the time since September, and just do what ever I fancy, with no pressing need to get a job. I haven't used the time all that constructively, although the rampant knitting habit has been a form of therapy. After Christmas, I'll get a job that pays enough to live on, and stay as unpressured as possible, and I'm just starting to think "Hey, I could do that bit of analysis, or this bit of writing" and maybe, just maybe, I can see a way out and a future.. I guess this is my 'comfortably numb' phase, like FF says...

Jacomus, may your mohawk be spiky again soon. We're all here, and willing to listen.

 

[magnatom]

Jacomus,

I completely missed this thread until now. I'm not qualified to say the right things, but what I will say is your very much appreciated here. I always like reading what you have to say and the vast majority of the time I agree with you (so you must be right ). You come across as a nice chap on here.

What you have been through is hell and to be where you are today (although it might not feel like it) proves how strong you are.

Keep fighting, for yourselves and for those you have lost. I know if I was killed in a crash and a friend survived I would want them to make the most of their life.

Please keep posting about this on here if it helps. I will be reading and thinking of you even if I don't post.

Take care.