I hate this month

[Jacomus-rides-Gen]

Over the last couple of days I've fought against the welling mire of blackness inside me, but have now lost.

Today it hit me, so hard I had to go out on my bike, had to leave the house with no money to make sure I couldn't cut myself. I rode for five hours and don't remember where I went or what happened, at one point I had to stop because I was crying and couldn't see.

I am so sick of this, this helpless choking oppressive blankness, it shrouds me and nothing smells right anymore. All I have is that bitter coppery taste in the back of my throat, and catch tangs of that burning metallic smell - its all in my head, but it is so real. I know what it means, I've been here so many times before, I know how to make it go away. I can't do it though, I love her so much and have seen the pain in her eyes before, I must not submit.

My razor torments me from across the hall, how easy it would be to remove the blade, and press it to my arm. To watch the skin part so precisely, to cry razor red tears, and block out this blankness with my own self-made darkness. Turn the light out.

So many friends have been lost, and I haven't. Their parents eyes looking at me, reminded in me that their sons never grew up like me, but I've only just wanted to.

This probably doesn't even make sense, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Maybe I shouldn't. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, I might delete this if it does.

What a messed up month, and it won't get any better until January is done.

 

[Fab Foodie]

Over the last couple of days I've fought against the welling mire of blackness inside me, but have now lost.

Today it hit me, so hard I had to go out on my bike, had to leave the house with no money to make sure I couldn't cut myself. I rode for five hours and don't remember where I went or what happened, at one point I had to stop because I was crying and couldn't see.

I am so sick of this, this helpless choking oppressive blankness, it shrouds me and nothing smells right anymore. All I have is that bitter coppery taste in the back of my throat, and catch tangs of that burning metallic smell - its all in my head, but it is so real. I know what it means, I've been here so many times before, I know how to make it go away. I can't do it though, I love her so much and have seen the pain in her eyes before, I must not submit.

My razor torments me from across the hall, how easy it would be to remove the blade, and press it to my arm. To watch the skin part so precisely, to cry razor red tears, and block out this blankness with my own self-made darkness. Turn the light out.

So many friends have been lost, and I haven't. Their parents eyes looking at me, reminded in me that their sons never grew up like me, but I've only just wanted to.

This probably doesn't even make sense, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Maybe I shouldn't. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, I might delete this if it does.

What a messed up month, and it won't get any better until January is done.

Please don't delete, and please do not feel guilty about posting,carry on writing how you feel, but please don't succumb to your Demons.
Why now, why today, tonight?
What is it about this dreaded time that hurts so much?
FF->.

 

[ash68]

serious stuff. From reading your post ,and posts from others on this site,it seems thereare quite a few fighting their demons of one sort or another.Stick with it mate, i presume you don't do it because of the pain you cause your girlfriend when she sees the cuts. Keep that in mind and be strong.If posting on the site helps to get your feelings out , feel free, there's plenty willing to listen with a sympathetic ear. I for one hope you get through this bad spell and soon feel better about things. Good luck , Ash

 

[Jacomus-rides-Gen]

Yesterday three years ago was the car crash that took my friend and my girlfriend, and a year later the driver, my best friend committed suicide because he couldn't live with himself. Even though he did nothing wrong, and couldn't have stopped it happening.

I've tried to keep things under control, but I have just not been able to. In the next 2 months there will be the anniversaries of 4 more of my friends deaths.

I'm so low.

Thank you FF and ash

 

[TheDoctor]

That's terrible. If posting here helps then keep doing it. We may not be able to solve all the problems but we're here, we can listen and we want to help. Keep talking. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through but we'll do what we can. Best of luck and keep talking to us.

Tony.

 

[Fab Foodie]

J-R-G
Troubled times by the sound of things. I have experienced the death through natural illness of a close friend, but not the sudden death of a girlfriend or so many in a short period in one go. It must be quite a trauma.
With my friend Dave who died, we try to keep all the good things of his life alive. I don't know whether there is some way that you can turn some of the darkness into some light? Certainly punishing, hurting yourself will be of no benefit to anybody, scream in frustration until you are hoarse, but cause no harm. I'm certain your friends or your friends family would not wish you to respond in such a way...
Can there be any positives from this, a way to channel your anger and pain into something good?
Yell at me if this is all bollocks...

 

[Elmer Fudd]

Well, maybe Jacomus, if you've read some of my posts, I might not be the best to offer advice or comfort, but there is hope.

Last Saturday for no apparent reason I felt totally shoot, this weekend, for no apparent reason, I feel good.

I think it was you advised me to get out on my bike, and I have been doing so over the last few days, it does blow the cobwebs out.

There's nowt wrong with a good blubber either, helps to relieve the built up pressure / anxiety.

Keep on in there pal, we're rooting for ya! (and posting on here can be a great help, blokes aren't supposed to show feelings, but strangely, we do have them).

 

[Aperitif]

Hi Jacomus. Along with all the others here, you have my sympathies - not a lot of help I'm sure - but your contribution to this forum is massively important. Amidst the black fog, give yourself time to reflect on how valuable and helpful your positive words and actions are to others - in all aspects of your life. Take care.

 

[barq]

You might already have tried this, but do seriously consider counselling. What you've described is a huge thing to cope with. People like your girlfriend and online friends can all help by listening, but a good counsellor can also teach you techniques to make you feel more in control. Obviously it won't fix everything, and it won't undo a tragic set of events, but it will give you extra strength. I found the (free of charge) university based counselling service very useful when I needed them.

Best of luck.

 

[Dayvo]

Jacomus!

You certainly seem to struggling down in the depths of despair!
My heart goes out to you, and I admire the fact that you are still here, not giving in to the temptation of what you describe so vividly in your posts here!

If you can get through the next six weeks, then a new year will begin, the weather and seasons will slowly improve, and gradually gradually you will begin to emerge from this living nightmare again.

These memories and feelings wiil always be with you, but if you could change your surroundings, or try and be elsewhere during this time, you will become stonger and better equipped to deal with your dark thoughts.

I went through a distressing break-up just over three years ago, and although my situation was nothing compared to yours, grief and suffering is the same for everyone. We just have to deal with it in our own, and different, ways.

Please don't despair; confide in us, be angry with us, cry with us, and laugh with us. We want to see you get through this.

I am NOT religious, but I find Buddhism a comforting, practical and sensible philosophy to follow (albeit not religiously). These words might offer some comfort: (I hope it helps).

Simple rules to be happy

1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.

No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but he did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Disappointments are like road humps,they slow you down a bit, but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!

When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better to give you.

When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means.

There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to the person to realize your worth. The measure of your love is when you love without measure.

In life there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go; the chance might never come your way again. It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

We spend too much time looking for the right person to love,or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

 

[mickle]

Jacomus, there is no timetable for dealing with grief, it has to take its own sweet time. And there are no training courses, you find yourself having to cope with a situation for which there is no manual. Its often impossible to imagine that at some point in the future thing will get better. I struggled with the death of my parents two years ago, I was really close to my mum, but I/we had the comfort of knowing she was dying for six months so were able to prepare ourselves emotionally. And as she said to me a couple of weeks before she died; "It could be worse, it could be you dying". We expect our parents to pass before we do so my suffering was slight compared to what you are going through. The thing that helped me most was a random passage from a novel, it was a bit about a widow whose husband had died, it went;

You never come to terms with the death of someone you love, you just learn to live with it.

When I read that I was in a really dark place, I didnt know how to move on, what the next step was. And there it was, at least for me, an answer. My mum, and your friends would want us to get on with life, to love, to find happiness. Doing so doesnt diminish their memory one bit.

Have you considered grief councelling.

 

[domtyler]

Hi Jaco,

Don't know anything about PTSD so will just offer you my best wishes while you overcome/learn to deal with it. Hang in there mate through these tough times. Things will get better eventually I can promise you that, they always do.

 

[ChrisW]

Jacomus,

To lose so much so young is a tragedy.

We all feel for you. Hang on in there.

Chris

 

[col]

I know it doesnt matter what we say,in these bad times,it seems nothing can help.But in time it does get less painful.Sometimes we just want to think about our loss,and the pain we feel,is all part of it.Hang in there,you dont see it yet,but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Jacomus-rides-Gen]

Thank you everyone, I am really grateful for your kind support.

I am only just posting this as I have only just worked up the courage to apologise to you. Despite my will not to, I did cut yesterday, soon after my last post.

I am about to head out and see my gf and I shall have to break the news to her too.

Thank you again for your words of support, I know I let you down, but honestly you did make a difference to me last night, and saved those I love from getting that call from the hospital, to pick me up and not leave me alone.

I need to fight through this, and so far am doing better than in previous years, and I am determined that one Christmas I won't be hiding my arms.