How do you cope!

[Cranky]

I feel for you, spandex and jax67. Not because I'm in the same boat particularly, but I did have a rough time a couple of years ago when - shortly after my career crashed and burned as a result of workload-induced stress - both parents and my admired godfather died, all within a few months of each other. There was also a serious split in the family (siblings) as a result, which I doubt will ever be resolved. I had bereavement counselling and it was very helpful, but these days I do find that I'm much more prone to mood swings, sometimes prompted by relatively trivial things. If it wasn't for the cycling I don't know where I'd be by now.

I'm not making a recommendation here, but thought I'd tell you what I'm doing at the moment. I saw a course advertised - Introduction to Counselling - and I'm doing that for 20 weeks, one evening per week. There's as much emphasis on personal self-awareness as helping others. It's a bit like learning how strip your old bike down, examine every part closely, replace worn parts, clean others, and then reassemble it with a few adjustments. Some parts can't be replaced, and are never going to work perfectly again, but you find a way of lessening their impact on the whole machine. The only difference is it's your personality you're dealing with. We do some listening exercises in the class and you do get to talk about some personal issues for a short time with other students if you want - I think that may develop further next term. The group is naturally made up of sensitive people, mostly 'of a certain age', and is now really starting to bond - going to the pub after class, email groups etc. The recommended reading is also fascinating. I'm not sure where I'll go from here but it definitely feels like travelling in the right direction.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. As others have said, professional counselling could be useful if you don't feel you're getting anywhere after a time.

Good luck.

 

[byegad]

Seek help now if you haven't already. Depression is dangerous and needs treatment. I'm on my third bout and managing well after Therapy and drug treatment. DO NOT go it alone!

 

[FBOAB]

Seek help now if you haven't already. Depression is dangerous and needs treatment. I'm on my third bout and managing well after Therapy and drug treatment. DO NOT go it alone!

+1 from here. Just crashed again last week and doc has put me on a course of drugs with therapy. I've allways stayed clear of chemical therapy in the past but as time goes on I've come to realise that although counciling is a VERY effective tool at helping you overcome depression, it never seems to go away totaly.

Doctor put me on to a good site for a bit of self help. It might be worth having a look.

www.livinglifetothefull.com


To all those suffering at the moment, however bad you feel, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

 

[ChrisKH]

I feel for you, spandex and jax67. Not because I'm in the same boat particularly, but I did have a rough time a couple of years ago when - shortly after my career crashed and burned as a result of workload-induced stress - both parents and my admired godfather died, all within a few months of each other. There was also a serious split in the family (siblings) as a result, which I doubt will ever be resolved. I had bereavement counselling and it was very helpful, but these days I do find that I'm much more prone to mood swings, sometimes prompted by relatively trivial things. If it wasn't for the cycling I don't know where I'd be by now.

I'm not making a recommendation here, but thought I'd tell you what I'm doing at the moment. I saw a course advertised - Introduction to Counselling - and I'm doing that for 20 weeks, one evening per week. There's as much emphasis on personal self-awareness as helping others. It's a bit like learning how strip your old bike down, examine every part closely, replace worn parts, clean others, and then reassemble it with a few adjustments. Some parts can't be replaced, and are never going to work perfectly again, but you find a way of lessening their impact on the whole machine. The only difference is it's your personality you're dealing with. We do some listening exercises in the class and you do get to talk about some personal issues for a short time with other students if you want - I think that may develop further next term. The group is naturally made up of sensitive people, mostly 'of a certain age', and is now really starting to bond - going to the pub after class, email groups etc. The recommended reading is also fascinating. I'm not sure where I'll go from here but it definitely feels like travelling in the right direction.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. As others have said, professional counselling could be useful if you don't feel you're getting anywhere after a time.

Good luck.

Good post Cranky. Quite a few bits in there which I and no doubt others will recognise in their own lives. I never thought about counselling when my parents died. I did think about shooting my brothers and sister though. I have a tendency to take things on the chin and keep it all in, but this is part of the problem, if not the problem, I think.

Wish I has something positive to say to spandex and jax. It must be hard. From a purely practical perspective, I find planning in advance and setting personal targets helps and gives some structure. I then try to look forward to something positive and constructive, re-setting targets as I achieve them.

 

[Arch]

not much extra or helpful I can say really, except all the best to anyone suffering at the moment. It's the worst time of year too - dark dingy days and all that. Just living one day at a time seems to be the way to go.

 

[ACS]

All good solid advice

I suffer and have done so for about 12 years.

My 3 golden rules are

1. You cannot change yesterday only affect tomorrow
2. Achieve something positive everyday.
3. Stay away from an excess of alcohol the answer does not rest in the bottom of a glass.

 

[Willow]

How do you cope / live with depression?


As some of you know on here I am finding it hard. My wife left (long story) just under 6months ago and I am now helping out being a cycle massager which I was for 4 years. I found going past lots of the places that we used to love going to and going past some of the places where she worked very very hard. Some times I found I even had tears. When I got home I just felt very down I even found it hard to think/plan what I was doing for dinner...

I have not even been able to read most of her newest emails.


How do I cope? move on?

Hi Spandex, I have been there am still there to a certain extent but two years down the line I am coping much better. Someone on here described it as grief and it is like that. sometimes I thought I would cope better if my ex had died (not that I wished it on him ever). It's hard because people around you expect you to come up bouncing after 6 months and you are still reeling. I bet if you look back you are better than 3 or 4 months ago and that improvement will continue. It doesn't mean you like or accept the situation but you do start to think of other things. Passing old haunts, old songs etc are difficult but for me it is better to have loved and lost than not loved at all. Remember also this is absolutely the worst time of year to get through, I remember having to leave the shops the first year I was on my own, families were out happily shopping and it reduced me to tears. My ex bought my christmases alive for me and now even with two lovely children I hate the idea of it of trying to do christmas on my own with them. I still get on well with my ex though he is no longer mine I don't believe I will ever get over him going but I have mostly learnt to live with it. The boys and I in the early days kept a diary of the good things that had happened to us each day, simple things but those simple things helped as gain some positivity back.

You are not alone.

 

[Fab Foodie]

Soory to hear of all the travails above. Life's not easy.
I've done councelling and medication and both have their place, I wouldn't rule them out.

I agree with taking things one day at a time, do small things that make you happy, oer even that make others happy if that helps. Maybe find a new challenge, a new opportunity to break old habits, new people new places. Try to avoid situation that make you feel bad, it's not always possible, but limit your exposure to negative influences or deal with them quickly so you don't have to dwell on them.
Look for the sunshine and appreciate it.

 

[Mr Pig]

There is no way I would even consider taking drugs to help with depression caused by external forces. It is natural and normal to feel depressed after a split. People hate loosing things. Partners, limbs, car keys, it just pisses us off, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to start messing with your body's workings. The risk of ending up with screwed chemistry and not knowing which way up you are is far too high. You can end up with the drug-induced problem being bigger than the problem you had to begin with! The only people I know who are on anti-depressants are either up-down and all, over the place or they cannot get back off them.

Your heart has been broken. This is not a medical fault so don't try and fix it that way.

I'm also not convinced by counselling I'm afraid. In my experience they're long on listening, short on tangible solutions and a poor substitute for real friends. Each to their own I guess but I'm just not the kind of person who thinks that unhappiness has to be avoided at all cost. It is healthy and normal to be unhappy about some of the things that life throws at us. We learn, grow and become wiser more rounded people through these episodes. If it never rained we would not enjoy the sun as much.

 

[Kovu]

There is no way I would even consider taking drugs to help with depression caused by external forces. It is natural and normal to feel depressed after a split. People hate loosing things. Partners, limbs, car keys, it just pisses us off, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to start messing with your body's workings. The risk of ending up with screwed chemistry and not knowing which way up you are is far too high. You can end up with the drug-induced problem being bigger than the problem you had to begin with! The only people I know who are on anti-depressants are either up-down and all, over the place or they cannot get back off them.

Your heart has been broken. This is not a medical fault so don't try and fix it that way.

I'm also not convinced by counselling I'm afraid. In my experience they're long on listening, short on tangible solutions and a poor substitute for real friends. Each to their own I guess but I'm just not the kind of person who thinks that unhappiness has to be avoided at all cost. It is healthy and normal to be unhappy about some of the things that life throws at us. We learn, grow and become wiser more rounded people through these episodes. If it never rained we would not enjoy the sun as much.

I second the idea of talking to friends. Know too many people who have said that's how they got thorough it.

 

[wafflycat]

Mr Pig, what you fail to understand is that entirely understandable external factors can tip a susceptible individual over into clinical depression which is a serious illness.

 

[FBOAB]

Mr Pig, I quite agree it is perfectly healthy to be unhappy but it is the way the mind processes/deals with this feeling that is the crux of the problem. I have no difficulty with people who need a little assistance, be it chemical or cognative or even both (like me) with recovering after a traumatic event causing depression. All I'm saying is if you can deal with unhappines on your own then great, good on you but don't for one minute think that you HAVE to deal with it on your own to be classed as 'normal'.

 

[Mr Pig]

understandable external factors can tip an individual over into clinical depression

I know. But in my opinion, just as the problem was not caused by physical illness, the best answers are not found by treating physical symptoms.

Doctors are know-alls. They do not like to admit that they do not understand a problem or can do nothing about it. If you go to a doctor and tell them you're feeling depressed they will send you away with pills in your hand, even if they hardly know you. And these pills are not trivial. The world is littered with people who were proscribed ant-depressants when they weren't needed and are now stuck on them or are battling the side effects. This 'is' something that I know about.

The guy's split with his wife. Of course he's depressed! He's in a hole he can't see out of but he will smile again, it just takes time.

 

[Madcyclist]

I am also going through the same experience having seperated from my after 20 years together at the end of January. I haven't seeked guidance as yet but have considered it. I returned to cycling in May and often ride with the local club and CTC groups mainly for the company, the last thing i wanted to do was drown my sorrow in pubs.

I've lost a lot of weight this year despite consuming increasing amounts and am at the stage that the enjoyment I get from cycling are the only high points of my life. For the past fortnight i've gone back to square one again after comforting my wife at her mother in laws funeral and promptly being dropped like a stone again soon afterwards.

 

[pedaling]

Think about what you can do which you enjoy.

Try to do one thing a day (minimum) which you enjoy - integrate this into your daily routine. I made a list (might sound strange, but it really really helped for me) and gradually added to it. It was 'proof' of things I did like in life, it gave me reminders of what things are good. Having these things in my routine made me stick to it.

Focus on each day, each morning even, or each afternoon. I found that it was a process of relearning to enjoy, relax, discover - and gradually, as much as I was reluctant at first, I had to. I knew that if I didn't it wouldn't get better.

When I had a few really difficult months (following some medication that had weird side-effects) a close friend, the first person I let in about it, told me that it required a choice, and that I had to make a choice to take control. It does require making a 'choice', I think. You make a choice to start remembering and feeling what you enjoy or you do not move on.

Other than that, friends, friends, friends again - true, some will not know what to say, but some will not necessarily need to say anything, and some will maybe surprise you with how helpful they can be.