How do you cope!

[spandex]

How do you cope / live with depression?


As some of you know on here I am finding it hard. My wife left (long story) just under 6months ago and I am now helping out being a cycle massager which I was for 4 years. I found going past lots of the places that we used to love going to and going past some of the places where she worked very very hard. Some times I found I even had tears. When I got home I just felt very down I even found it hard to think/plan what I was doing for dinner...

I have not even been able to read most of her newest emails.


How do I cope? move on?

 

[wafflycat]

Depression is a serious illness and it requires long term treatment. Be gentle on yourself - know it's okay to feel how you do. You need to be patient with yourself - give yourself space. Knowing *why* you're depressed - the triggers - is a good start to recovery. But it's not easy. It is hard. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time.

 

[Kovu]

Spandex must be hard for you mate, not the easiest thing to get over.
Know I am hardly the most life lived person here being only 16, but I had a mate who went thorough depression, he surronded himself with as much stuff to do as possible, he worked as hard as he could all day until he was exhausted, but as waffly said, he took it one day at a time and never looked further then that. He broke it all down and he had some people around him who he could trust.

 

[Milo]

You massage bikes?
There is no easy fix for that depression lark what works for one person harms the other. Time spent alone outdoors has always done me wonders when a tad gloomy.

 

[BigonaBianchi]

Good advice above.

One step at a time...and expect to fall down as much as you climb (which is ok). Professional help is good...I have been in reciept of a lot of it, however only you know what exactly is eating you up and how you can accept/deal with it. Talking helps most when it allows one to 'break down' and let the tears/anger out properly...there is no shame in that, pro counsellors know how to facilitate and 'absorb' that emotion, they dont judge, criticise or misunderstand, they arn't on their own agendas, they are on yours, but they are listeners and can't usually solve the underlying problem, only help you 'cope' with your emotions.

Medication is something I have mixed views on and I mostly try to avoid it now.

A separation can cause a form of grief which is a serious thing. You need time and help to get through it...but that day will come.

Good luck.

P.s.

On my German tour this year after the ride down from Bremen I was sitting in the same restaurant my wife and son had visited with me several years previously. We had had a superb time there together. Without boring you we were having some 'problems' which was one of the reasons I ran off to Europe on a bike this summer...anyway I just sat there and blubbed like a baby into a bottle of Ouzo next to Lake Konstanz...luckily my ride partner was a good listener , at that moment had he not been there I could easily have done something really silly. Grown bloke blubbing his eyes out in public...hmmm...what next eh

 

[HelenD123]

You've had a huge amount of upheaval, both emotionally and practically in the last 6 months so, like Waffles says, you need to be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. It's going to be up and down but the good days will start to outnumber the bad and you'll get through this.

 

[tdr1nka]

Somehow we tend to 'beat ourselves up' for feeling like we've been beaten.
You've taken some big knocks and you're still adjusting, you are allowed to feel miserable it's part of grieving, which is really what you're going thru.

I've been in your position before and it is no fun, as has been advised, keep busy and life will start to build itself up again.

And you've got CC if you need a chat.

 

[Mr Pig]

You have a reason for being depressed. This is a totally different thing from being clinically depressed. There is nothing wrong with you, most people in your situation would feel exactly the same way. In fact there would be something wrong with you if you didn't!

Sometimes things happen that you can't fix. However, simply accepting that this period in your life is going to be hard can in itself make it easier. Recognise that it is a transitory thing and that it will get better, even although you can't feel that it will. Then just wear it. Concentration on the little things, putting one foot in front of the other, and get yourself through the days. It's not going to be weeks, it's going to be years, but it will get better.

 

[jax67]

I LOST BOTH PARENTS THIS YEAR - I HAD NURSED MY DAD WITH DEMENTIA FOR THE PAST 8 OF THEM, AND HE DIED SUDDENLY AND IT HAD TO GO TO INQUEST - CAN'T GET THAT LAST NIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD AS HE WAS SCREAMING SO MUCH WITH HALLUCINATIONS AND FEAR. mY MUM HAD TERMINAL CANCER - BUT WAS FIGHTING IT UP UNTIL THEN, AFTER THAT SHE GAVE UP, AND IT WENT TO HER GUT, LIVER, LUNGS, AND I HAD TO WATCH HER WASTE AWAY AND GO FROM SOMEONE WHO LOVED HER GRUB, TO A 4STONE SKELETON THAT COULDNT EVEN DRINK A CUP OF WATER. SHE DIED IN MY ARMS IN OCTOBER - ADD TO THIS i AINT WELL AND i HAVE A SPINAL DEGENERATIVE CONDITION, MY OTHER HALF LEFT ME BECAUSE HE COULDNT COPE WITH MY DADS DEMENTIA, i'M IN DEBT DUE TO THE CRED CRUNCH, AND i HAD HASSLE OFF SOCIAL SERVICES WHO ARE STILL CHASING ME FOR CARE FEES OWED - WELL.. I HAVE DEPRESSION, I DON'T KIP PROPER DUE TO IT, FLASHBACKS AND PAIN, AND THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME SANE IS MY BIKE AND MY MUSIC - AND MY GUT DETERMINATION TO CYCLE ACROSS THE UK EVEN IF MY LEGS DROP OFF AND MY BACK FINALLY TURNS INTO POWDER..
bUT ITS A DARK HARD PLACE, AND i'M DREADING CRIMBO - REALLY TRUELY AM, HAVE DECIDED JUST NOT TO BOTHER MUCH THIS YEAR AS MY HEAD JUST CAN'T COPE WITH IT - CRIMBO DAY IM OFF ON THE BIKE..GET AWAY.
GOOD LUCK - TAKE IT EASY - ITS HARD, BUT SOMEHOW WE GET BY...

 

[dellzeqq]

You have a reason for being depressed. This is a totally different thing from being clinically depressed. There is nothing wrong with you, most people in your situation would feel exactly the same way. In fact there would be something wrong with you if you didn't!

Sometimes things happen that you can't fix. However, simply accepting that this period in your life is going to be hard can in itself make it easier. Recognise that it is a transitory thing and that it will get better, even although you can't feel that it will. Then just wear it. Concentration on the little things, putting one foot in front of the other, and get yourself through the days. It's not going to be weeks, it's going to be years, but it will get better.

very, very good advice.

 

[Speicher]

Try to get some rest, and eat properly. I know that you can cook properly, but simple things like making sure there is some healthy/tasty/your favourite food in the kitchen may help. Also taking time to prepare meals may help.

You have said on here that you have some time in lieu to take. Try and relax (yes, I know, easy to say, not easy to do). If you feel like being with people then that might help, or you might prefer some time to be upset and on your own.

You might notice that I am using "may" help or "might" help. We are all different in our approach and our reaction to life's big knocks. Some people might put pressure on you to do certain things. I would suggest you do what you feel like doing, not what other people tell you to do, if you do not want to do it.

When I was depressed, people, mainly relatives, would not take no for an answer when they told me what I "must" do. So I went along with their advice, only to find that it made me feel much worse, for instance, to be in a large busy party, with lots of people and lots of noise.

You might want to be in a large party, or cycling on your own. Try to take things at your own pace.

 

[Maz]

Sorry to hear about that, Spandex (and jax67).
I can't imagine what you are going through, but I hope things get better for you with time.

 

[mickle]

I think coming to Bristol and cooking for a week will do you the world of good!


Love you Spandex x

 

[Night Train]

Counselling can help, as can the right friends to talk to.
It can be a long slow process of understanding and accepting what has happened and learning not to blame yourself for the way you feel. Sometime a change in scenery can help, just getting away from reminders and finding new interests and activities that help develop your life from here onwards.

It took me over a year to get out of the rut and then another couple of years to get myself back into normal life after my wife and I split up. Only then was I strong enough to demand a divorce from her and move on properly. I had a lot of accociated issues to cope with too but I got there.

It does take time, during which you are grieving for the loss of your relationship and the loss of the person you would have expected to have been there. Accepting that that is going to happen can help you to cope with the sadness and heartache that also comes with it. Random sobbing is fine, it is a natural way to release the emotions and the pressure of holding it together when you need to. Most people will accept that it happens, you just need to accept it as well. After each time it gets easier.

Hang in there Spandex and talk to your friends or people on here either publically or by pm. It all helps.
Take care mate.

 

[bikepete]

Pop by the VV office Spandex - you'll freeze your b****s off but I'll feed you coffee and you can do Cyclechat on the spare computer if you like :-)