How about some true but funny stories of your past to cheer us up in these dark days

[Dave7]

Course it does, I got banned in 95 for nearly 2 yrs for alcohol, and I was also high on several other things.
No excuse, I liked being fooked up
Clean license ever since

Hth

Not proud of this but 1969, recently married, MrsD had gone to stay with her parents for the weekend.
Me and a mate went out for the night, a place called the Embassy Club in Wallasey. Got truly hammered. Somehow, unwashed, managed to get the 0615 bus to work next morning.
I was aware of lots of strange looks but too bladdered to care.
Got into work, went into the toilets and looked in the mirror. I had a serious cut on my head and my face was covered in dried blood. I can vividly recall seeing that.
The next week I read about a big fight at the Embassy Club.
I have no memory of it and NO idea how I managed to clock in at 0700 the next morning.

 

[Smudge]

I was around 14 at the time and my 12 yr old sister did her usual bitch trick of grassing me me up for something or another. Resulting in loss of my pocket money or some other punishment.
So when she was out, i went in her bedroom, lined up all her numerous cuddly toys and executed every one of the muthas with my air rifle. It was many weeks before she found the pellet holes and the corresponding pellets inside each cuddly. The bastards deserved it by association of the snitching rat.
Obviously i had to suffer the consequences, but it was worth it.

 

[stephec]

On the subject of M.I.L quotes.

There's a passage between the house and fence that acts a funnel for wind, so off she goes to the garden centre to look for a shrub to try and use as a wind break.

Once there she goes straight up to a young lad in the outdoor plant section and announces, 'I'm lookin for a bush for my windy back passage,' apparently he managed to keep a completely straight face. 😂

 

[gbb]

A former colleague and long time friend was, to be honest, lazy, he would to extraordinary lengths to avoid jobs.
One sunny day I was up In a storage shed, up a set of two storey steps to get to the shed so I had a good, high vantage point. Below was an oil barrel storage area and across the yard I watched my mate trudge uninterestedly towards the oil barrels. He went in and manhandled a 45 gallon barrel outside...the wandered off to get a forklift.
I skittled down as fast as I could, walked the barrel back into the store and ran back up.
Sniggering, i waited.
He rolled up on a forklift, stopped and stared at the now empty spot, you could almost see him thinking.. .eh ?

And so he jumped down, dragged his sorry ass into the store and dragged a barrel out again...with me sniggering lime a kid 20ft above him.

 

[raleighnut]

Absolutely shyte faced on weed in my fiat super mirafiori driving down St Paul's road.. 1988 ish
Mate said look out for that cop car!!!

What cop car??
That fooker there with the fook off blue light on top

I pulled over and just laughed for ages..
There were a lot of similar moments,I was a bit naughty..

In a similar vein a mate and I went down to his local pub for a last pint after a good session on the weed, the 'relief manager' who got the nickname 'Wing Commander' leant conspiratorially over the bar after he'd served us and whispered "You'll be OK for a late one after those bikers have gone............................I think they're on drugs" How we kept a straight face I'll never know.

 

[gbb]

Told this one before perhaps but...
I used to be an engineering buyer with lots of contacts, some very friendly ones.
One day I rang my favoured hydraulics supplier...
'Hello mate, I've got a valve in front of me, no manufacturers marks but it has got some numbers on it...I need one'
'Giz the numbers, I'll see what I can find'
'I'm struggling to read it but it looks like...BO....440, I think that's the voltage...CK5'
440 was pushing it a bit, I thought he might realise coils aren't 415 /440v but hey, I was doing this without any planning.
'Dont recognise the numbers, leave it with me' he replied.
And so I left it with him.

several days later my phone rang..
'Colin, hello ?' (I always used to answer that way, not relevent)
'You w'anchor '
Me...quickly realising what was happening..
'Whaaaat '
'4 fookin days I've been looking at those numbers, then I just looked once more...groaned...oh FFS'

BO440CK5...which is obvious if you dont triangulate the top of the 4.

 

[johnnyb47]

Talking of being lazy, when i was a young man and working for the council, my boss got some work in to maintain a few bridges. They were all canal bridges that needed some pointing or general repair work. As i didn't drive he dropped me off with everything i needed to get on with the job.
This particular job i was doing was to repoint the underside of a small hump backed bridge. I was left with a small wide bodied boat with no engine to stand in and some sand and cement to repoint all the damaged parts. The canal was unused and had to use a pole to push myself around in the water.
It was a gorgeous Friday morning with the sun blazing hot and the job was a nice and easy. After a few hours it was all sorted and looking ship shape, and with the lack of mobile phones to call the boss i just sat down in the boat and waited for him to eventually pick me up (which could of been anytime) The sandwiches and drinks came out in the boat as i waited patiently, and then i closed my eyes and relaxed in the sun.
Three hours later i woke to discover i wasn't where i was before. The boat had slowly drifted down the canal over the hours and was completely disoriented as to where i was. With the pole i started pushing myself back up the gentle currant panicking as to how far down I'd gone.
After 20 minutes of pushing myself along i came round the curve in the canal to see the bridge and my boss standing on top of it ranting and raving. He had been there 30 minutes waiting for me and knew exactly what had happened even without me owning up. I had usual boot up the back side before we went down the pub for our Friday pint.

 

[gbb]

Circa 1976 I was 17 and working with a seismic surveying company looking for potential coal deposits In the Vale Of Belvoir.
Mix a 17 year old, a 3.5 litre fully loaded Landrover, some nutty colleagues...and explosives ...its an exciting and dangerous mix. Long summer days, driving off road, mad colleagues and spare time between 'shooting' when they detonated explosives underground and recorded the seismic activity.
One definate no no was DO NOT pull the explosive up by the det cord from its placed position 10ft down a drilled hole. There could be 50 lots of explosive, all detonated separately as we crossed the fields and countryside. A big crater was the usual result and lots of laughter.

We did this, obviously, frequently and probably much to the annoyance of the farmer (who was well compensated anyway).
One day we forgot where we were...within about 100ft from a lone bungalow at the side of the road. I detonated the charge, clouds of earth flew.....and a precast concrete coal bunker about 3ft high collapsed in a cloud of dust on the drive of this house.
Erd, time to go

 

[ColinJ]

Ok, here is a selection of some of my comic cycling moments, which I have posted about on CycleChat over the years...

• The Trauma of Trawden
• A wasp down my bibshorts
• A mate's see-through shorts
• 'Kneed' you so bad
• 'Granddad' needs a triple

 

[roley poley]

was mugged by a black binbag.. it flew up from under the bus in front, did a shimmy, looked innocent, threw a dummy then wrapped itself round my face like Alien ...road rash, broken spex,mallet fracture of ring finger and total loss of street cred

 

[stephec]

Here's another M.I.L. quote for you.

Her and the F.I.L. are starting to decorate the bedroom and she decides to ring someone for advice, beginning the conversation with, 'we're just stripping off in the bedroom.'

 

[Ming the Merciless]

More my brother‘s than mine.

As a 19 year old he and a mate were off on a cheap holiday to the south of France and needed a tent. He went round an older work colleague’s house whom he knew camped.

He arrived at the work colleague‘s house and said person was busy with his fighting kids. So my brother was told, in the garage on the right, help yourself, there‘s two or three to choose from.

He went in the garage and the tents were lined up on the floor from largest to smallest. He didn’t want to be lugging around something big so he picked the smallest tent and shouted thanks as he left.

He gets to campsite in South of France with tent. They hadn’t practiced putting the tent up or even unpacked it since picking it up. They undo the tent bag and drop the contents out to discover ....

...he had picked up a kids wendy tent. So he and his mate both 5’11” spent two weeks on a campsite in the South of France sleeping in a wendy tent with their feet sticking out the end.

 

[Sharky]

My MIL. Bless her used to water the artificial plant we gave her.

 

[oldwheels]

The workers bothy and toilet was at the top of the building about 30ft above road level. Some ejit blocked the toilet which was flushed quite a few times before this was discovered. There was a connection to the main sewer and a manhole in the main road about 50 yards away but the council had in their wisdom covered the whole thing when resurfacing so we had to find it and then open the road surface. Sure enough when the pipe was carefully uncoupled there was no flow. Ted thought it was a good idea to use drain rods to poke up as far as possible to find the blockage. Still nothing so pulled the rods back down. Suddenly he stopped and listened then got out of the hole and started running as did everyone else. A brown coloured spout flew a considerable height and fortunately it was not a windy day but not so good for two passing cars which changed colour in the downfall. We took them in and gave them a free carwash and fortunately had steam powered hoses which reached out to the main road. The stink lingered until the next rainy day tho'.

 

[johnnyb47]

Way back in the early 90s i remember having my first holiday abroad with my mum (god bless her x) . A fortnight in sunny Tenerife. The plane we went on was a Dan Air, and was very excited, as being the first time I've ever flown.
Back then, airplane security was really relaxed and we asked the cabin crew if we could visit the cockpit in mid flight.
It was an unforgettable experience.
Throughout the 90s when the ex and i went on our foreign holidays i would ask the cabin crew discreetly without the ex hearing if we could visit the cockpit but they never came back to me with an answer.
That was until on one holiday.
Coming home from Menorca i asked discreetly, and around an hour into the flight a stewardess came back and said we could go. The ex was snoozing at the time, and got up out of my seat and woke her. I said the captain wants a word with us. As the joker i am she said sit down and don't be so stupid. She then realised the stewardess was waiting for us and started fretting as to what's the problem. Before we got to the cockpit door i owned up to what I'd done.
When the door opened we saw the cabin crew burst into activity pretending to be busy. It was truly amazing to see the workings of a jet liner and the many instruments. You could hear the wind almost sand blasting away at the windscreen. Another weird sight was that you could see the slight curvature of the earth.
After 20 questions of we're have you been this week, to how fast are we going, it was time to say goodbye and thank you, The captain said we are now over London and will be soon making our decent to Manchester.
With total awe and excitement we got back to are seats and settled back down.
As the plane approached Manchester Airport we could hear the landing gear opening and see car's getting ever closer on the roads.We were seconds from touchdown when all of a sudden the engines let rip full throttle.
The plane was now climbing at an incredible angle.
Embarrassing to admit i went into full panic mode. What's going on, What's going on i shouted. With me being a total wuss my panicking quickly stressed everyone around me. I just remember the ex wife trying frantically to calm me down.
Before we knew it the plane leveled off and was above the clouds again.
The pilot then spoke out over the tannoy system and opologised.
I remember him saying "as you can imagine Manchester Airport is a very busy airport and there appeared to be a plane in our way on the runway so i aborted the landing.(He didn't sound happy about it either)
When the plane eventually landed, i felt such a burk as i got off, for panicking like i did.