My Mum died last year, aged 80. It wasn't sudden, but within three months of being diagnosed with cancer she was gone. I, in my pragmatic way dealt with the inevitable before she had gone. She had very good care in hospital and when she went it was more of a relief. I was there when she went and said my goodbuys, but found it impossible to cry. I still have shed no tears over her death although I think of her most days I am not the kind of person who wears their heart on their sleeve, but i have dealt with it in my own way. My Dad, 83 is now ill and i will be going through it all again soon.
Grief: How do you deal with it.
- Thread starter Niall Estick
- Start date
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Arch
Married to Night Train
- Location
- Salford, UK
Paulus said:
That's the thing, everyone is different, so it's important not to feel pressured to behave or feel in any one way. I don't tend to cry in front of people, because when I cry I can't do the sort of talking through sobs thing people do on TV, I just become snotty and incoherent. So people perhaps think I'm being very resolute, when in fact I just do all my crying in private and at the oddest times and for the oddest reasons. And sometimes, you just cry inside.
My wife lost both her parents within the space of 2 months when she was 17. She's now 36 and it still effects her in different ways at different times.
She never ever talks about the way they died or about that side of things but she'll mention them a lot in a positive ways. She talks about that was his/her favourite film/song/drink/flower etc....or tells storys about them which I think is healthy grief.
The bad grief as I call it is when someone asks her something about her parents as if they were alive. What does your Mum and Dad think/live etc..?
Sometimes she just answers and is fine and other times she just feels like walking out the room and being on her own for a cry although would never do it.
She also can be quite upset on their date of birthday and death which is understandable.
She generally just get's on with it and see's it as just the cards she's been dealt. The big thing though is she feels she's never had an adult conversation with them and them seeing the way she's turned out. That brings a tear to my eye when she says things like that.
The closest I've experienced grief is granparents and old Aunts and Uncles and just really think about them in a positive way as they had a good innings as they say.
The most upset I've ever been though was a footballer Phil O'Donnell who played for Motherwell, Celtic and Sheffield Wednesday dropped dead while playing for Motherwell last year between Christmas and New Year. I was at school with him for years and was very friendly with him. I hadn't seen him for a few years though. I heard on the radio that he had been rushed to hospital after collapsing during a game. An hour later I heard he'd died. I was in tears for days about it. Even when friends said "did you not go to school with him?" it would set me off again. Think it was because I was at school with his wife for 11 years as well and they had 4 kids. It was also so tragic was and such a big shock and the time of year also. Can't get those kids out my head sometimes always being reminded that Christmas which should be such a happy time is when their Dad died.
Don't know why I've rambled on.....
She never ever talks about the way they died or about that side of things but she'll mention them a lot in a positive ways. She talks about that was his/her favourite film/song/drink/flower etc....or tells storys about them which I think is healthy grief.
The bad grief as I call it is when someone asks her something about her parents as if they were alive. What does your Mum and Dad think/live etc..?
Sometimes she just answers and is fine and other times she just feels like walking out the room and being on her own for a cry although would never do it.
She also can be quite upset on their date of birthday and death which is understandable.
She generally just get's on with it and see's it as just the cards she's been dealt. The big thing though is she feels she's never had an adult conversation with them and them seeing the way she's turned out. That brings a tear to my eye when she says things like that.
The closest I've experienced grief is granparents and old Aunts and Uncles and just really think about them in a positive way as they had a good innings as they say.
The most upset I've ever been though was a footballer Phil O'Donnell who played for Motherwell, Celtic and Sheffield Wednesday dropped dead while playing for Motherwell last year between Christmas and New Year. I was at school with him for years and was very friendly with him. I hadn't seen him for a few years though. I heard on the radio that he had been rushed to hospital after collapsing during a game. An hour later I heard he'd died. I was in tears for days about it. Even when friends said "did you not go to school with him?" it would set me off again. Think it was because I was at school with his wife for 11 years as well and they had 4 kids. It was also so tragic was and such a big shock and the time of year also. Can't get those kids out my head sometimes always being reminded that Christmas which should be such a happy time is when their Dad died.
Don't know why I've rambled on.....
I just want to mention Crusehttp://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/index.html which was of great help to me.
In 2006 I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other, then my influential godfather 1 month later. My cycling buddy recommended bereavement counselling. I attended 6 sessions and was in quite a different place by the end, somehow the people that I'd lost had been integrated into my own personality (and still are).
In 2006 I lost both my parents within 6 months of each other, then my influential godfather 1 month later. My cycling buddy recommended bereavement counselling. I attended 6 sessions and was in quite a different place by the end, somehow the people that I'd lost had been integrated into my own personality (and still are).
Niall Estick
New Member
A big thanks to everyone who has left messages here. They are really appreciated. Internet forums can be harsh places sometimes (and my own posts don't help) and even though I don't know any of you, your words and concern have helped.
The funeral last Friday was very sad but I was glad I was there. Most of Sarah's cohort attended and we all supported each other that day. Progess is being made and whilst waves of sadness hit me from time to time, I know this is part of the process. The vicar at the funeral said that to grieve you have to have loved first. So I consider this grief as a small price to pay for having known Sarah.
I'd like to leave you with a poem, the third verse of which accompanied Sarah's wreath from her class:
Consolation
by Robert Louis Stevenson
Though he, that ever kind and true,
Kept stoutly step by step with you,
Your whole long, gusty lifetime through,
Be gone a while before,
Be now a moment gone before,
Yet, doubt not, soon the seasons shall restore
Your friend to you.
He has but turned the corner — still
He pushes on with right good will,
Through mire and marsh, by heugh and hill,
That self-same arduous way —
That self-same upland, hopeful way,
That you and he through many a doubtful day
Attempted still.
He is not dead, this friend — not dead,
But on the path we mortals tread
Got some few, trifling steps ahead
And nearer to the end;
So that you too, once past the bend,
Shall meet again, as face to face, this friend
You fancy dead.
Push gaily on, strong heart! The while
You travel forward mile by mile,
He loiters with a backward smile
Till you can overtake,
And strains his eyes to search his wake,
Or whistling, as he sees you through the brake,
Waits on a stile.
The funeral last Friday was very sad but I was glad I was there. Most of Sarah's cohort attended and we all supported each other that day. Progess is being made and whilst waves of sadness hit me from time to time, I know this is part of the process. The vicar at the funeral said that to grieve you have to have loved first. So I consider this grief as a small price to pay for having known Sarah.
I'd like to leave you with a poem, the third verse of which accompanied Sarah's wreath from her class:
Consolation
by Robert Louis Stevenson
Though he, that ever kind and true,
Kept stoutly step by step with you,
Your whole long, gusty lifetime through,
Be gone a while before,
Be now a moment gone before,
Yet, doubt not, soon the seasons shall restore
Your friend to you.
He has but turned the corner — still
He pushes on with right good will,
Through mire and marsh, by heugh and hill,
That self-same arduous way —
That self-same upland, hopeful way,
That you and he through many a doubtful day
Attempted still.
He is not dead, this friend — not dead,
But on the path we mortals tread
Got some few, trifling steps ahead
And nearer to the end;
So that you too, once past the bend,
Shall meet again, as face to face, this friend
You fancy dead.
Push gaily on, strong heart! The while
You travel forward mile by mile,
He loiters with a backward smile
Till you can overtake,
And strains his eyes to search his wake,
Or whistling, as he sees you through the brake,
Waits on a stile.
Niall Estick
New Member
It is with a sad heart to tell you that my Dad died on Monday 24 November. He was diagnosed with asbestosis at the start of the year, and due to a serious chest infection his health deteriorated rapidly over the last three weeks. Obviously, the last few days have been traumatic but in many ways my Dad's death comes as a blessing as seeing him gravely ill made it very hard for me, my brother and my Mum. He also died with a great deal of courage and dignity despite being so ill.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
- Location
- the post-brexit wasteland
thoughts with you mate.
Fnaar
Smutmaster General
- Location
- Thumberland
sorry to hear that... glad to hear the forum was some help previously though
Arch
Married to Night Train
- Location
- Salford, UK
oh dear, my thoughts are with you. But it's good that you are seeing some positives in the whole situation - it is the best way, if you can. He's not suffering any more, and you and the family now have closure and can get on with a grieving process which probably started when you knew how ill he was. It sounds callous, but in a situation like that I wonder if the fear and certainty of someone dying is as bad as it actually happening.
It's been a bad old time for you recently - find something positive and cling to the thought of it. For me it was my nephew arriving and I could see it as a circle of life - corny, but it helped.
It's been a bad old time for you recently - find something positive and cling to the thought of it. For me it was my nephew arriving and I could see it as a circle of life - corny, but it helped.
mickle
innit
- Location
- 53.933606, -1.076131
So sorry Niall. I felt exactly the same when my mum finally shrugged off her mortal coil.
No more suffering for your Dad. RIP.
No more suffering for your Dad. RIP.
Kirstie
Über Member
Oh dear I am sorry.
Best wishes.
Best wishes.
I'm sorry for your loss. Having lost both parents in the last few years and Dad this year I can sympathise. I don't have any advice really, although one little anecdote. Shortly after my own father's death (dementia over a period of 5 years, but still comparatively young at 72) I returned to work and one of the partner's expressed his condolences. "I'll get over it" I said more to put a brave face on it than anything. " Oh no you won't" he said, "but you will learn to cope with the loss"
He was right.
He was right.
