Grief: How do you deal with it.

[Kirstie]

Well I have been living with unresolved grief for about a year as a very close relative has cancer and it will definitely kill them in the near future. The problem is nobody knows when. So I guess I would have the following words of 'wisdom'...

1. People say that grief comes in stages: denial; anger; depression; acceptance. This is definitely true. So you can expect to feel this way, in this order in the coming months/years.
2. If you think you're over it, you're probably not. Odd things can trigger off the sadness that you're not expecting, and all of a sudden you're in a complete mess. Expect this to happen. I completely broke down in hysterics at the wheel of my car recently because a van overtook me with the words 'My auntie loves me' written in the dirt on the back of it. My auntie is the one who is ill. My best friend, who lost both of her parents, used to crumple if she saw a can of ambrosia rice pudding because her dad used to love it. It sounds stupid but it can really bugger up your day/week/month.
3. Don't avoid talking about your feelings, acknowledging you're a bit below par, and doggedly carry on as normal. Things aren't normal. The more you do this, the more 2. will occur, and it is viscious when it does occur.
4. Grief is really ****ing grim. Cry your eyes out if you have to, because it does help.

 

[wafflycat]

There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief. You can only deal with it how you deal with it. The only thing I'd suggest is to be gentle on yourself and know it's ok to cry, not cry, shout, feel sad, feel angry, feel nothing, feel empty, feel joy at a happy memory, want to talk about it, not want to talk about it. Give yourself time, space, be gentle on yourself and take it a day at a time.

 

[yenrod]

Niall - I feel for you mate !

Its like your souls being scraped and its hard as hell !

I find getting away and doing what I want to do...everything is amplified massively and it still hurts like hell !

Tunes on the radio become every word of the lyrics !

You want everything to be good - and its not.

You need hedonistic idyll.... 

Time and ether !

 

[Crackle]

1. People say that grief comes in stages: denial; anger; depression; acceptance. This is definitely true. So you can expect to feel this way, in this order in the coming months/years.
.

Yes.

 

[barq]

I think you'll have to accept that time is the big healer, but that doesn't mean you are helpless right now. Try to find a balance between keeping busy and allowing yourself quieter more contemplative periods. It is still early days and shock and grief are an entirely appropriate way to feel about a tragic event. But it will get better. You won't spend so much time thinking about her and when you do it won't hurt so much.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

[Maz]

I went round to a couple of mates house whose dad had died recently, to pay my condolences to them. They were incredibly nonchalant about the whole thing. "Aye, cheers, maz" one of them said. "You shoulda been at t'wake. We got a right fukcin skinful. Dad woulda been proud 'erus. "

I went in all sombre and solemn and came out bemused. Strange how we all deal with death in different ways.

 

[Hugo15]

Unfortunately a timely thread. My wife's gran was taken into hospital over the weekend and basically they are just waiting for the inevitable to happen. Her gran is 96, so had a good innings as they say.

 

[buggi]

God gave us tears to cry and a sense of humour to remember the good times. Man gave us funerals to focus on and beer to drown our sorrows.
combine all four and add as many spoonfuls of time as you need and the hurt will turn into good memories in time. There isn't anything else you can do.

 

[Noodley]

1. People say that grief comes in stages: denial; anger; depression; acceptance. This is definitely true. So you can expect to feel this way, in this order in the coming months/years.

Kubler-Ross:

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

 

[Night Train]

Niall, My thoughts are with you.
I lost my brother in a car crash in '91. His funeral was on my 25th birthday. It took me years to come to terms with it and then more years to cope with the grieving process. All the advice given is good but you do need to go with how you feel from one day to the next. If you feel really low then have a cry, there is no shame in it. If you feel happy then have a good day and don't feel guilty for it.

Your heart will tell you how you should be from one day to the next much more then your head, or other people, will. Talking is always good if it is honest, from the heart, talk. Sometimes that will be hard and other times that will be remembering the good times.

Those that have passed on would want to be remembered with fondness and joy and that will come when the sadness passes. You will start with more sadness then joy but that will gradually adjust so that there is more joy then sadness.

Thinking of you.
NT

 

[newbiebiker]

grief comes in various ways. it could really affect us so i guess a good vacation can do relieve the grief. add a hobby too.

 

[mickle]

I lost my mum a few years ago and I found myself in a pit of despair. I knew I had to go through the process but I just couldn't see the end of it. I couldn't contemplate not feeling the way I did yet I knew that eventually life would get better and I would be able to function again. It just seemed to take forever and I kept thinking that mum wouldn't have wanted me to be miserable for the rest of my life. Anyway, there I was in this interminable state, waiting for the next step in the process but not knowing what or when it would happen and I happened to be reading the novel 'Snow Falling On Cedars' and in it a character is asked how she got over the death of her husband, to which she replied; 'You don't get over it, you learn to live with it'. It hadn't occured to me until I read it but it's absolutely right. Your feelings for the person don't change but you reach a quiet acceptance.

I think it's been a year now since something set me off like Kirstie was saying, for me it was opening the fridge and seeing Rhubarb yoghurt. My mum used to make Rhubarb crumble if she knew I was visiting.

I'll always be sad about her dying but it I've got to the stage where it doesn't rip my heart out to think of her. You'll get there even though you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Best wishes and that.

 

[postman]

Arch,you old stale barm cake.What a wonderful lass you are.Really well put.I found time was the healer when my mum died in hospital i was angry at the care or lack of care she got.So Niall think about all the good times and good points .And time will bring back the smiles.God bless.

 

[Flyingfox]

I've had more than my fair share of friends dying young - car crash, diving accident, suicide, HIV, cancer, heart attack, aneurysm and a hit & run.

All have been hard in their own way to deal with, but I usually cry a fair bit, have a few drinks with mutual friends (this always helps, as you end up remembering all the amusing times and share a few laughs as well as tears). Most important is to remember that your friend would not want you to get 'down'. Find a way to celebrate her life that she would find really funny, even if it means doing something crazy like running down a beach naked in the middle of winter! Laughter as well as time is a great healer.

I have what I call my 'happy board' - it's a frame full of photos of me and friends (past and present) with one thing in common - everyone is laughing. It just reminds me of what a great life I have lived so far.

 

[gbb]

God gave us tears to cry and a sense of humour to remember the good times. Man gave us funerals to focus on and beer to drown our sorrows.
combine all four and add as many spoonfuls of time as you need and the hurt will turn into good memories in time. There isn't anything else you can do.[/QUOTE]

Wonderful words and very true.

There's nothing you can do to make it better Niall. We deal with it in our own ways and each of us take as long as neccessary...

The important thing is not to let the grief encompass you.

I find talking of fond memories of my brother with family make us sad of course, but lift us at the same time, remembering the good stuff.