Grief: How do you deal with it.

[Niall Estick]

A college friend was killed in a road crash last weekend and whilst we were not close I appear to be affected by her loss quite a bit.

Grief is not something I have experienced often. My gran died at 97 after a full and independent life - so there was little to be really sad about.

My friend was 29 and her death seems very arbitary and unfair.

The class is planning a permanent memorial of some kind at the college and many of us are going to the funeral but I wondered if anyone can suggest how to get through these early days of mourning.

Cos it hurts.

 

[LLB]

Her death has brought home the reality of your own mortality.

Time is the best healer. Try and keep yourself busy if it plays on your mind so hard.

 

[Landslide]

Not to say that this is true for everyone, but talking about stuff often seems to help - be that with friends and family, or others you don't feel so close to (I've found this latter group easier to talk to when I've had problems in the past).
I've seen a number of threads on here around subjects like bereavement or depression where other forummers have really rallied round - I can't say for certain that this has helped the original poster, but to my mind it made me feel a whole lot better about the state of the world.

 

[Arch]

oh lord...

All I can say is that it probably varies from person to person, and to try and do what feels right for you. Keeping busy is one way, and if you can possibly avoid dwelling on it, do, but I know it's not always easy. Be prepared for it to perhaps affect you in all sorts of odd ways at odd times. To start with, you're probably in mild shock, even if you didn't know the person well.

If you have a group of mutual friends, and you feel you can, talk about it. You don't have to be mawkish and all sobbing your eyes out, but just sitting and talking about someone is a good way to start coming to terms with it - even if it's just the little things they said and did. Try to avoid bottling it all up and getting to a situation where you're afraid to mention the person.

And if you really feel it's hitting you harder than you can cope with, get some professional counselling. It may be hard for you to realise, or admit to yourself that this is the case, so just keep an eye on your feelings. You'll probably know what feels 'right' or 'handleable'.

The funeral may well provide a sort of focal point after which you feel a bit better - I think that's part of why we have them.

 

[bobg]

It's harsh but I think time is pretty much the only healer. We just get through it because we have no choice. As LB implies, we're not so "in touch" with death as we once were. I wish I had a useful answer, keeping busy may sound a bit trite but we all go sometime, but its very sad when so many seem to go before they should.

 

[oxbob]

+1 wot arch said

 

[Arch]

Keeping busy does help - when I lost my partner, I threw myself into funeral arrangements, and that helped. It was after that when it started to catch up with me, and months later before I was able to admit that I needed some actual time off the PhD to get myself straight. I never went for counselling, I must admit, and I wonder if it might have helped, but I'm not one for going to the doctors or anything, so setting it up would have been a huge stress for me and I took the easy way out of just not doing it.

I also found it a great help to talk to people on here - by PM mostly - as sometimes a stranger can listen with a more unbiased ear than a friend can.

 

[Globalti]

I lost a school buddy a few weeks ago and posted on here; people were very supportive. The pain doesn't diminish, every now and again something happens to remind you. His widow still has his message on her answering machine, which provided me with an unexpected "moment" a few days ago. Now I'm in Dubai (stuck in traffic!) and going through the usual traveller's loneliness and homesickness emotions. The taxi driver from the airport was an Indian and an uncanny dead-ringer for my pal which gave me a wierd feeling!

Sadly it takes time for the strong feelings to diminish but they will. There is always a hole in your life though.

 

[Milo]

I lost my granddad last month. He was 84 lived a good life but it does not make things easier. I spent most of the October in and out of hospital visiting him saying the things I needed to say. I never ever want to witness somebody I love that much die in my hands again it was horrible. But life has gone on all I can do is carry on with college knowing how happy it made him that I pulled my finger out and went back to do a levels. Sorry for your loss time will help.

 

[Fnaar]

Yes, it can take you unawares sometimes... 24 yrs ago, someone I'd played with as a kid, but hadn't seen or been in touch with for 10 yrs or so, committed suicide... I had no knowledge of her as an adult, but it really got to me at the time...

 

[col]

Good advice here,but in the end its time that turns painfull memories into pleasant ones,how you pass that time is personal to you,i hope the pain goes soon for you.

 

[LLB]

Yes, it can take you unawares sometimes... 24 yrs ago, someone I'd played with as a kid, but hadn't seen or been in touch with for 10 yrs or so, committed suicide... I had no knowledge of her as an adult, but it really got to me at the time...

The problem with suicide is it is such a waste, and a fairly selfish act in regards to the others left behind.

The guy who did my drive a few years ago had his father hang himself 10 years ago, then his 19 year old son did the same from the same beam 3 years ago, followed by his 17 year old sibling also took his life 18 months in the same way. How he deals with it is beyond me

 

[Arch]

The problem with suicide is it is such a waste, and a fairly selfish act in regards to the others left behind.

Hmm, I don't want to turn this thread into an arguement, or even a discussion that might divert it too far from support for Niall, but I'm not sure suicide is any more a 'waste' than any other way of dying. (and I am speaking from experience) It is selfish in a way, yes, and that's perhaps one of the hardest things to cope with, because you want to remember a person in a good way, but their final act is supremely hurtful to you, even if you can understand why they did it.

All I could do was think "well, at least the person took ultimate control of life, in the end". You do find yourself looking for the smallest shred of comfort, no matter how someone dies.

To lose 3 people like that is horrendous. Unfortunately, suicide is perhaps one of those things that can provoke repitition, just because one death causes hopelessness in others, and it's a strong person who breaks the cycle of unhappiness and carries on.

Niall, if you ever want to off load to a stranger, feel free to PM me. But I suspect you and your college mates will support and help each other instinctively, even if it just feels like you are having a good old talk about the person.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

Yes, it can take you unawares sometimes... 24 yrs ago, someone I'd played with as a kid, but hadn't seen or been in touch with for 10 yrs or so, committed suicide... I had no knowledge of her as an adult, but it really got to me at the time...

it can. a girl i was pally with as a teen (whom i hadn't seen in years) was murdered in a pub not far from where i was living. i still can't hear blue monday or new years day without thinking about her, as she was an accomplished pianist and these songs were her party pieces on her little casio keyboard.

 

[alecstilleyedye]

The problem with suicide is it is such a waste, and a fairly selfish act in regards to the others left behind.

the suicidal can see the world as being a better place without them, and that the folk left behind will be all the better for it.