Give me some dialogue from your day

[MikeW-71]

Boss: Right, we have all the Xmas booklets out at the front of store. I want you lot to read them so you know all the offers and deals. I'll be quizzing you.
Cocky Young Salesman: But it's a big book!
Boss: You could be working at Argos.. That's an even bigger book!

 

[gbb]

I've been begging for machines to service in the morning meetings, we're super busy, nothing stops, I'm falling behind .
So today some machinery IS stopped while theyre using other machines..I immediately got stuck in.
Production planner walks past while ive got a grease gun in my hand...
'Whats the matter with it ?'.. She asks .
'Nothing, II'm servicing it while its stopped'

About an hour later, I'm servicing the machine next to it, production manager sees me...
'Whats wrong with it , is there a problem ?'
'Nothing wrong, if I see a machine stood still...im servicing it, its the only chance I get '

Theyll moan of they break down, moan If i stop the machines for servicing...and even get jittery if they see you anywhere near a machine.. theyre under that much pressure.

 

[gbb]

Yesterday evening we went to see the girly whirlys...our nickname for our grandaughters.
Aimee, 6 is doing some writing practice, I laid on the floor helping her. She's taken to holding her pen all awkward...just like her dad used to.
'Hold your pen like this Aims...its much easier'
'Its horrible grandad, it s easier my way'
'Yes but look at how neat that word is you just did '
That spurred her on a bit, we must have done 50 words together.

Yasmine, 2 has really taken to one of my games with her. She walked up, stood straight in front of me, looked impishly and said....
'Grandad, im on your land '
Thats my cue to pick her up and throw her (safely) onto the settee and say..
'Get orf moi laaand'
Repeat several times over, with mounting excitement each time.
After a while, the wife said...
'Colin, you'd better stop, they're going to bed soon, she wont sleep'

 

[vernon]

Cubester and I have an ongoing standing joke about people wearing camouflage. Examples are the time we were driving back from Keighley Rugby club and drove past a pub car park. A guy on a big transalp style bike was sitting on his bike in the car park dressed head to toe in snow cammo.
Me " What the hell has he come dressed as?"
Cubester "Who?"
Me "The guy on the bi....ah, bollocks, you got me again!"

We were watching some TV show about a guy climbing a ridge in the Alaskan mountains. He was wearing "Realtree" cammo boots.
Me " I'm amazed he can walk in that snow barefoot."
Cubester " He's got boots on.....ah, knickers, not again!"

This afternoon in a gunshop, Cubester points to the corner of the main display and says " Hey, love that Realtree gun case."
Me "What gun case?"
Shop owner. " I've got another five of those somewhere, but I'm buggered if I can find them. "
Shop Owner's long suffering partner. " You're all going to be thrown out and barred if I hear another of your stupid cammo jokes. "

Here's some fantastic camouflage

 

[Asa Post]

Yesterday, at the hospital:

Consultant: You need a new hip!
Me: I thought I might.
Consultant: They last 15 to 20 years.
Me: I do a lot of cycling, 70 to 100 miles per week. Will that make it wear out more quickly?
Consultant: It might do. But... you'll be over 80 in 20 years time. You won't be doing that much cycling then.
Me: Wanna bet?
Consultant: ...

 

[Cubist]

Here's some fantastic camouflage

Awesome!
Cubester and I were in an air soft fanatics shop the other day. We were actually looking at some new boots and cammo for pigeon hide shooting, but the whole place is aimed at paintballers and the weekend warrior style air soft gamers or whatever they call themselves. Cubester guffawed and whipped his phone out to take a pic of one item. It was the retail display card and plastic packaging for an "Invisicammo" hide net. The actual net was lying under the display, but the empty packaging back on the display hook rail was too good an opportunity to miss!

 

[ufkacbln]

i am a mere fella

Therefore I need a detailed shopping list

On my list today was a set of plastic bags

The instructions were clear

"Pound Shop"

Disposal bags - babies or dogs"

Now that could easily be misunderstood

 

[gbb]

Im getting old and crotchety
Me to the wife....
'WHO writes this crap, jesus, id be embarrassed to act like that '

 

[ufkacbln]

I was given a shopping list today by the wife , and went out as told

At the bottom was written "Small Disposal bag - for babies or dogs"

I hat to think what she is planning

 

[Crackle]

Old lady: "Is he your dog?"
me:"yes" thinking she was about to complain because he was sitting outside the shop sliding door waiting for me and forcing everyone to walk around him.
old lady: "He's lovely. I used to have dog a bit like him, his name was Nigger.
Me: "what, like in the dam Busters. Was he a Labrador?
Old Lady:"Well this was during the war. I went out with 17/6 for a pair of rollerskates and came back with a dog. Me dad said he was half a back door and half a front door. he used to sleep in one end of an old fur coat and the cat slept in the other. Well one day we got bombed, demolished al the houses from here to there (points 500 yards down the road). They emptied the swimming pool and we had to sleep there for 6 weeks. They must have thought we were a funny family because all we said after it was where's the fur coat, because the cat and the dog were in that. There was a button factory by the houses too and there were buttons everywhere and people out with buckets collecting them. is it Remembrance day today?"
Me: "Yes"
Old Lady: "Well I'll sit a while and think of me dad then. Tara.

One of my best chance encounters for a while.

 

[gavgav]

E-mail received from reception at work, at 9am - "we will be observing the 2 minute silence at 11am for armistice day. The fire alarm will give a short blast to mark the beginning and end of the silence"

Excellent idea, I thought......

10:58 - the fire alarm sounds and sounds and continues to sound and 45 seconds later we all bail out down the fire escape in case it's a drill or heaven forbid a real fire!!! Just as we get down to the bottom of the escape it stops, so we all file back in.

So our 2 minutes consisted of a bell ringing loudly, people milling around deciding is this the silence or is it real, bailing down the fire escape whilst chatting and back up the escape to find they had cocked it up completely and couldn't work out how to shut the ruddy bell off.

What a compete and utter cock up!!

 

[gbb]

Me and the mouse...
I move a box at eye height on the workshop shelf....
'Whoaaa '
as mouse darts away, 12 inches from my face..
'Ooh ya little b'stard'

Later, a colleague and myself are reassembling some parts, the radio is on, we're engrossed in what were doing,
Colleague...
'Blah blah..blah blah'
I didnt really hear him, I was miles away. Realising hes said something, i reply..
'Sorry bud, i wasnt listening'...and without a seconds planning or thought continued..'i thought it was the wife talking'
Colleague...

 

[Scoosh]

I didnt really hear him, I was miles away. Realising hes said something, i reply..
'Sorry bud, i wasnt listening'...and without a seconds planning or thought continued..'i thought it was the wife talking'
Colleague...

You'll be telling her too ?

 

[Saluki]

We were due to offer assistance to a music store today but the morning was cancelled and the uptake had been virtually non existant so the shop phoned me at noon, suggesting not coming in the afternoon either. I got back to the tutor in question and then rang the shop back and had the conversation below.

Me: After you cancelling us for the morning and only having one appointment for our tutor this afternoon, he decided it wasn't worth coming the 6 miles to your shop
Him: It's only a quick car trip
Me: He doesn't drive
Him: Why not? He's a family man, how does he get about?
Me: Bus or on foot mainly
Him: Why doesn't he drive?
Me: He's blind
Him: We hadn't noticed that.
Me: Did you not notice the bloody great dog?
Him: No. Does that stop him driving then?
Me: What? Being Blind? Yes it does rather.
Him: Does that stop him playing guitar?
Me: Err no. Have you not noticed just how ferociously good he is?
Him: Yes but that was before I realised that he was blind.

 

[gbb]

We were due to offer assistance to a music store today but the morning was cancelled and the uptake had been virtually non existant so the shop phoned me at noon, suggesting not coming in the afternoon either. I got back to the tutor in question and then rang the shop back and had the conversation below.

Me: After you cancelling us for the morning and only having one appointment for our tutor this afternoon, he decided it wasn't worth coming the 6 miles to your shop
Him: It's only a quick car trip
Me: He doesn't drive
Him: Why not? He's a family man, how does he get about?
Me: Bus or on foot mainly
Him: Why doesn't he drive?
Me: He's blind
Him: We hadn't noticed that.
Me: Did you not notice the bloody great dog?
Him: No. Does that stop him driving then?
Me: What? Being Blind? Yes it does rather.
Him: Does that stop him playing guitar?
Me: Err no. Have you not noticed just how ferociously good he is?
Him: Yes but that was before I realised that he was blind.

My dad was blind, I can understand how occasionally people may not realise someone might be...but the remainder of his thought process beggars belief