Give me some dialogue from your day

[SatNavSaysStraightOn]

Just off the phone to my brother - same one from earlier in the week... He's bought a juicer for some daft reason, he's a fast food person and never been anything else.

My Brother: I've just tried juicing a bunch of bananas. It wasn't very successful. I only got half a cup of juice from a huge bunch of bananas and a punnet of strawberries.
Me: There could be a reason as to why bananas are usually pureed you know!

 

[Phoenix Lincs]

Me to the computer when Garmin uploaded:

"It felt faster than that"

Computer to me: silence, so it obviously wasn't!

 

[MossCommuter]

Moss Commuter: : have you got a bike rack?
Bar Man: a what?
Moss Commuter: a bike rack... Somewhere to park bikes
Bar Man: JULIAN... HAVE WE GOT A... what is it?
Moss Commuter: a bike rack
Bar Man: BIKE RACK?
JULIAN: No

 

[surfdude]

over heard dialogue in Argos.
girl 1 , how many countries are there in Briton
girl 2 , i think there are 11. no wait that's a trick question cos Northern Ireland is apart of Briton
girl 1 , no i don't think there are as many as that but i might be wrong

believe it or not this is true

 

[Cubist]

Me "Good morning. I'm reviewing your detention (goes into spiel about rights and good reason for detention but am cut short)
Her "What the f*ck are you on about?"
Me "Well, it's like this ...."
Her "Just get me a f*cking cup of tea."
Me "You'll be offered a hot drink at breakfast time. I'll fetch you some water if you're thirsty."
Her "I don't drink f*cking water you w@nker."
Me "Well, it's all we offer between meals."
Her "F*ck off then. "
Me (Resumes spiel about detention review. ) "Your solicitor is en route for an interview later. "
Her "It's f*cking sh*t here. You get tea at (hometown). I'm dehydrating, you've got to get me a f*cking tea."
Me "My detention officer offered you a drink ten minutes ago. You told him to stick it up his arse. "
Her "He's a w'nker an'all. This place is sh*t."
Me "I'll let you have the Tripadvisor page, you can leave us a nice review. "
Her "How the f*ck am I going to get home?"
Me "I'll give you a travel warrant if you are stranded. "
Her "You'll drive me home in a f*cking car."
Me "I'm sorry, but I only do good manners usually. Have you thought about the way you talk to people?"
Her "F*ck off."
Me "Well, if there are no more questions?"

 

[gbb]

' Ok, apparently we fly out of Stanstead to Valencia at 07.30....then back to Gatwick at 22.30, taxi to Stanstead, then home'
'FFS, Gatwick to Stanstead seems to take ages, we'll be lucky to get home at 02.00 Saturday, .im working 5 hours later

Some discussion followed, then i defaulted back to 'shrugs shoulders' and a 'well, its gotta be done, its a one off' ....i hope.

 

[Lanzecki]

Me "Good morning. I'm reviewing your detention (goes into spiel about rights and good reason for detention but am cut short)
Her "What the f*ck are you on about?"
Me "Well, it's like this ...."
Her "Just get me a f*cking cup of tea."......................."

Suddenly I don't feel angry with the way customers speak to me.

"You'll do what you are told, it's what i pay you for"

 

[colly]

Me "Good morning. I'm reviewing your detention (goes into spiel about rights and good reason for detention but am cut short)
Her "What the f*ck are you on about?"
Me "Well, it's like this ...."
Her "Just get me a f*cking cup of tea."
Me "You'll be offered a hot drink at breakfast time. I'll fetch you some water if you're thirsty."
Her "I don't drink f*cking water you w@nker."
Me "Well, it's all we offer between meals."
Her "F*ck off then. "
Me (Resumes spiel about detention review. ) "Your solicitor is en route for an interview later. "
Her "It's f*cking sh*t here. You get tea at (hometown). I'm dehydrating, you've got to get me a f*cking tea."
Me "My detention officer offered you a drink ten minutes ago. You told him to stick it up his arse. "
Her "He's a w'nker an'all. This place is sh*t."
Me "I'll let you have the Tripadvisor page, you can leave us a nice review. "
Her "How the f*ck am I going to get home?"
Me "I'll give you a travel warrant if you are stranded. "
Her "You'll drive me home in a f*cking car."
Me "I'm sorry, but I only do good manners usually. Have you thought about the way you talk to people?"
Her "F*ck off."
Me "Well, if there are no more questions?"

..................and we are told the art of conversation is dead.

Top marks for not committing a murder.

 

[TVC]

Me "Good morning. I'm reviewing your detention (goes into spiel about rights and good reason for detention but am cut short)
Her "What the f*ck are you on about?"
Me "Well, it's like this ...."
Her "Just get me a f*cking cup of tea."
Me "You'll be offered a hot drink at breakfast time. I'll fetch you some water if you're thirsty."
Her "I don't drink f*cking water you w@nker."
Me "Well, it's all we offer between meals."
Her "F*ck off then. "
Me (Resumes spiel about detention review. ) "Your solicitor is en route for an interview later. "
Her "It's f*cking sh*t here. You get tea at (hometown). I'm dehydrating, you've got to get me a f*cking tea."
Me "My detention officer offered you a drink ten minutes ago. You told him to stick it up his arse. "
Her "He's a w'nker an'all. This place is sh*t."
Me "I'll let you have the Tripadvisor page, you can leave us a nice review. "
Her "How the f*ck am I going to get home?"
Me "I'll give you a travel warrant if you are stranded. "
Her "You'll drive me home in a f*cking car."
Me "I'm sorry, but I only do good manners usually. Have you thought about the way you talk to people?"
Her "F*ck off."
Me "Well, if there are no more questions?"

At least we all now know where Pat 5mph has been all day.

 

[gbb]

Someone was complaining how busy they are....I didnt have too much sympathy and replied...
'No mate, busy is when you have three machines broken down, youve got to prioritise which is easiest to repair, balanced against which is needed most to meet orders, against whether you even know what the solution is , you havnt had a break yet this morning, youre sweating and stressed, your heart rate is up...and everyone just wants to go home...me included. Days like that, you wonder why the hell you are where you are...thats busy, and for all that, I wouldnt change jobs for love nor money'

I should add, those days are rare..touch wood.

 

[Ganymede]

Lunchtime.
My deaf-ish, dementia-suffering Dad: What kind of soup is this?
My mum: Carrot and coriander
Dad (appalled): WHAT? PARROT??!!!!

... then realised what he'd said and we all roared with laughter. It's the gap between mishearing, then working out what it might be, then having lost the ability to filter the most unlikely things out.

 

[John the Monkey]

Suddenly I don't feel angry with the way customers speak to me.

"You'll do what you are told, it's what i pay you for"

I tell you, the winner is "I pay your wages!" isn't it? Makes me warmly disposed towards the speaker every time.

 

[pplpilot]

Pulled over by the traffic rozzers... On his own...

Copper - just jump out the car for me sir,
Me - ok mate no probs ( wondering why he's pulled me) was i speeding?
Cop - no sir, do you realise you jumped a red light back there?
Me - that one (pointing) ?
Cop - yes sir
Me - hmmmmm i dont think so, it may hav been changing as i crossed the line, granted it was close but if i had hit the brakes you would have sailed straight into me...
Cop - you did, i have it on video
Me- i dont think i did (pretty sure i didnt)
Cop - like i say i have it on video...
Me- oh ok, shall we have a look at it?
Cop- theres no need, just be careful in future sir.
Me - i think there is a need, you accused me of an offence and you say you have evidence, id like to see it.
Cop - like i say sir, there is no need, have a good day...
Me - no, i want you to show me the video, you say i jumped the light, i say i didnt.
Cop - really no need, it was just a freindly warning...
Me - im pretty sure, in fact 99.99% sure i did not jump that light, i would like to see the video, and im pretty sure there may be some sort of data protection thing i could quote, now please show me..

This went on for 20 minutes, i gave up, i made a note of his name and number and in the morning i shall pay a visit to the station. I cant quit get my head around his reluctance to show me, i belive i hadnt jumped the light an he , A - did not have video or B - if he did it would prove i had indeed not juped the light.

 

[Lanzecki]

Pulled over by the traffic rozzers... On his own...

Copper - just jump out the car for me sir,

Suggests more then a friendly warning maybe.

Cop - like i say i have it on video...
Me- oh ok, shall we have a look at it?

bluff called.

 

[User33236]

Highlight of my day was, I suppose technically a monologue, in the form on an email from Planet-X informing me that my new bike is being born built next Monday