Funniest football chants you've heard

[PaulB]

Just getting some info from a football site I visit regularly, others are suggesting that Justin Fashanu didn't come out until he'd retired, which I thought was the case. In fact, the biggest victim was his brother, John and I well remember the songs from the terraces suggesting that he and Vinnie Jones (surely the worst player ever to appear in the Premier league) were more than team-mates. To date though, neither John nor Vinnie have killed themselves.

 

[jasper]

A few from Man U:

In The Liverpool Slums ​

In the Liverpool slums,
They knock on the door when they want something to eat,
They find a dead rat and they think it's a treat,
In the Liverpool slums...
In the Liverpool slums,
Your Mum's on the beat and your Dad's in the nick,
You can't find a job 'coz you're too f*ckin' thick,
In the Liverpool slums...

You Scouse B*stard! (chant) ​

You scouse b*stard!
You scouse b*stard!...

Build A Bonfire....Scousers On The Top - (to the tune of 'Oh My Darling Clementine')​

Build a bonfire, build a bonfire
Put the scousers on the top.
Put the city in the middle
And burn the f*ckin lot...

If You All Hate Scousers - (to the tune of 'If You're Happy and You Know It')​

If you all hate scousers clap your hands [clap, clap, clap]
If you all hate scousers clap your hands [clap, clap, clap]
If you all hate scousers, all hate scousers,
all hate scousers, clap your hands...
[clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,- continue clappiing for as long as possible, after clapping has stopped, start clapping again louder].

If You Wanna Go To Heaven When You Die​

If you want to go to heaven when you die,
You should keep the red flag flying high.
You should wear a red bonnet,
With f*ck the scousers on it.,
If you want to go to heaven when you die.

Oh Merseyside Is Full of Sh*t - (to the tune of 'When The Saints Go Marching In')​

Oh Merseyside! (Oh Merseyside!),
Is full of sh*t, (is full of sh*t),
Oh Merseyside is full of sh*t.
It's full of sh*t, sh*t, and more sh*t,
Oh Merseyside is full of sh*t...

You Are A Scouser - (to the tune of 'You Are My Sunshine')​

You're a scouser,
A ugly* scouser,
You're only happy on giro day.
When your dad's out stealing,
Your mum's drug-dealing,
But please don't take my scouser away. (* = 'ugly' also sang as 'thieving' or 'lonely')

He's Only A Poor Little Scouser​

He's only a poor little scouser,
His face is all tattered and torn,
He made me feel sick,
So I hit him with a brick,
And now he don't sing anymore.

If I Had The Wings Of A Sparrow....​

If I had the wings of a sparrow,
The f*ckin' big a*se of a crow,
I'd fly over Anfield tomorrow,
And sh*t on the b*stards below!

 

[PaulB]

Here's another from Man Utd.

Rooney.

You two-faced, hypocritical bastards.

 

[jasper]

Banter, just banter...that's the number of the beast...

 

[PaulB]

Banter, just banter...that's the number of the beast...

You'd better get a shift on an' all. Your game kicks off in less than an hour. Wait, let me guess; you don't actually go, do you?

 

[jasper]

No, I'll be watching it on the telly. Does that mean I support them less?

 

[PaulB]

No, I'll be watching it on the telly. Does that mean I support them less?

What a stupid question. In fact, I'd go as far as to say you don't support them at all.

 

[jasper]

It's not in my eyes. When I was a nipper I used to go to most home games and a few away ones too. Now I moved down South so it's hardly practicle to drive 200 miles for a game. So, just because I've moved, now means I have to stop supporting them.

 

[PaulB]

It's not in my eyes. When I was a nipper I used to go to most home games and a few away ones too. Now I moved down South so it's hardly practicle to drive 200 miles for a game. So, just because I've moved, now means I have to stop supporting them.

Hardly "practicle" to go out of your way to properly support your team? There'll be coaches there tonight from much further away than where you live, I assure you. If you went to "a few away ones" then you must have travelled over 200 miles to support them in the past? But anyway, don't let it stop you feeling the practicle way to "support" your team is to join in with the anti-Scouse hypocrisy, will you?

 

[stephec]

Years ago a football player called Justin Fashanu came to play for Airdrie.

The chant was:

"He's black, he's gay, he plays for Air-di-ray, Fa-sha-noooo, Fa-sha-nooOOOO..."

I remember when he came out he used to get taunts of wolf whistles and, "whit woo Fashanu," in some very camp voices.

 

[stephec]

I used to go to the odd Bolton Wanderers game a few years back, and there was a chant for every player. When they signed Mixxu Paatelainen, we were all wondering what people would come up with. And it was (to the tune of Euro dance classic No Limits)

Mixxu, Mixxu Mixxu, Mixxu Mixxu, Mixxu Paatelainen

..ad infinitum...

Ah, the good old days of Burnden Park.

And don't forget -

Owen Coyle, Owen Coyle, Owen Owen Coyle,
He gets the ball and does f*@k all,
Owen, Owen Coyle.

A bit cruel really as he had a slow start but turned out to do quite well. Then it changed to, "he gets the ball and scores a goal."

 

[Kirstie]

Ah, the good old days of Burnden Park.

And don't forget -

Owen Coyle, Owen Coyle, Owen Owen Coyle,
He gets the ball and does f*@k all,
Owen, Owen Coyle.

A bit cruel really as he had a slow start but turned out to do quite well. Then it changed to, "he gets the ball and scores a goal."

Owen Coyle...there's a blast from the past. Yes I remember that one

 

[User482]

I've heard this at Upton Park ,
to the tune of "You are my sunshine"-

You are a scouser, an ugly scouser,
You're only happy on giro day,
Your mum's out theiving,
Your dad's drug dealing,
But please don't take my hubcaps away...

And don't forget, to the tune of "never walk alone"

Sign on, sign on
With a pen in your hand
And you'll never work again, again
etc.

I particularly enjoyed singing that one at the 2006 FA cup final. Shame about the result, eh!

And of course the legendary version of blue flag:

From Stamford Bridge to Upton Park
Stick the blue flag up your arse
etc.

I also like the story about the time that Michael Jackson was introduced to the crowd, at a match away at Fulham. Cue a rendition of "I'm forever blowing bubbles".

 

[Smokin Joe]

A fellow who supports Aston Villa was telling me about a game they played against Chelsea back in the fifties. Chelsea were managed by Ted Drake, and before the games somebody from the club used to come onto the pitch with a performing Drake to entertain the crowd. This particular game was on a boxing day, and when the Drake started doing it's stuff on the pitch about a dozen Jack Russells were released from various parts of the crowd and the hapless animal was torn to bits in the centre circle.

Imagine the fuss that would cause today.