At My Lowest Ever

[roadrash]

Hi mate
I've thought about whether to reply in this thread, because I'm going through the depression thing myself

https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/struggling-after-long-term-relationship-break-up.175911/

But the deciding factor that has made me reply is, just typing away on this forum and seeing the wonderful replies really helped, and if my reply helps you in anyway then that will be my payback to CC.

Depression is awful as I've found out. Never suffered from it before or known anyone who has so I felt totally cast adrift when diagnosed, but as others have said, talking, talking and more talking (typing as well) was and still is my biggest help.
I too like you broke down at work a few times, and did the curled up on the stairs thing blubbing like a baby and this made me feel as though I was being weak but it's all part of the situation, I also seriously considered the ultimate end, indeed I even walked to the edge of a cliff, that's how low things got for me, just last month!
And here I am now trying to help a fellow sufferer, I'm by no means 'cured' on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being 'normal' I'm probably about 3 now, but the terrible days are slowly being replaced by ok days, I've even had the odd day where I've felt good when I've been with incredible friends. I didn't have the support of my wife as she was the cause of my illness, but you have that, so cherish it and accept it with open arms, your family are the most important people in all this. I say illness because that's what it is, nobody can see it physically like a broken bone but it really is an illness.
I do drop back down, indeed last week was a bad one to start with but I now know that I will be up and down on a constant basis.
I'm on tablets for depression, anxiety and stress, which after a few weeks seem to have kicked in, but councelling was my saviour, just waffling to somebody felt good and gave me something to look forward too. My first depression tablets didn't work so my GP changed them.
I'm actually welling up now typing this as I realise I'm trying to help somebody else where as a month ago I was ready to end it all, what I'm saying is.... There is always a tomorrow, it might not seem like it sometimes but there is, but beware there will be bad days, indeed I could be posting in my own thread soon as I get terribly down still, especially at weekends, but the talking, talking and more talking helps!!!
I realise I'm waffling now so I'm going, but please feel free to PM me if you need a chat, I'm not saying I can help, but I can empathise with you.

Hi @Broughtonblue, i have never replied to your original thread , i have no advice to give,but this i will say ,

THIS IS THE BEST POST ON CYCLECHAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.

good luck to both you and cosmic

 

[Scoosh]

@Broughtonblue - that is a wonderful post, so inspiring, comforting (for those of us who have been following your progress ) and so good to see you beginning to look outward and reach out to others - that is a major step forward, which will help you no end. .

You're going to look back on this time and at all your posts and be amazed at how far you have come - and at how wonderful the CC community is !

Keep it going !

 

[cosmicbike]

How you doing @cosmicbike ?
I've come through what I feared would be a difficult weekend pretty well I feel. It started off with me getting down on Friday but improved immensely over the course of the next couple of days.
If I can write that after getting as low as I did at one point there is hope for all of us sufferers!

Ticking along @Broughtonblue . I tend to visit here on a tablet, so read rather than write. My Friday didn't start out too good either, with work suggesting another week off to get used to medication would be best, and I really do want to get back. Probably the thing that is bothering me most at the moment, my work future. Add to that I have a 2 month wait to find out if they really know what's wrong with me, and what the future holds, and it tends to get on top of you.
That said, I had a 'good' day Saturday, and actually managed a whole night in bed, first time in a week. Sunday less good, lacking motivation for anything.
I don't know how these medicines work, but after making me feel like crap all week, what seems to be left is the anxious feelings. I'm not getting panicky as much now, and much less tearful. Wonder if the anxiousness will fade too? How you coping with yours?

 

[Broughtonblue]

I don't know how the tablets work, or even if they do!
I might be feeling 'ok' because time is great healer! But I'm not going to stop taking them any time in the near future just in case, don't want to go back to where I was. I was prescribed tablets for stress/anxiety which I've taken from the beginning, also was given tabs for depression but these gave me the screaming shites!!! So I stopped taking them and my doc gave me some different ones (well he didn't give me them, £8.40) I didn't take them initially, for two reasons.
1-worried about getting the shites again
2-stupid really but I didn't want to take them because of the 'stigma' attached to 'depression'. Me, depressed, your having a laugh were my thoughts.

But two things made me realise I HAD to take them, oc health at work said they would continue to support and help me, as long as I helped myself, meaning I've been prescribed drugs by a doctor but am refusing to take them.
The other thing was after my little foray to within feet of a 350ft drop I had to explain to my brother and his partner why I received a phone call at 10pm from the local mental health trust. My bro made me promise him I would start taking them. That's about a month ago now so if they do work they have had plenty of time to kick in!!

Work future you say! I don't have one. I'm being made redundant on the 25th most likely, but I'm actually quite cool about it for some strange reason. I know I have to provide a roof over my two lads heads and I have some savings that will enable me to pay the bills, all the bills as she is contributing nothing. I also know I have the support of my family if I need a bit more cash in the long term.
I had nearly 3 months off work, feb 11th till May 6th, although I tried twice to return in that time but ended up blubbing within 10 mins of getting there!!
I don't know how you feel about the crying part, men don't cry do they? But I'm 6ft tall and weigh 16 stone, and I don't mind admitting I cried rivers, it just came up from the pit of my stomach, no stopping it even if I wanted to, as I posted in the other thread even in a restaurant with my lads!! Don't be ashamed, it's a natural reaction, we wouldn't do it if we weren't meant to!

Edit: I could have pmd you this but I didn't for two reasons, I'm not ashamed to admit in public that I cry, and we might not be the only two depressed people on here!

 

[cosmicbike]

I don't know how the tablets work, or even if they do!
I might be feeling 'ok' because time is great healer! But I'm not going to stop taking them any time in the near future just in case, don't want to go back to where I was. I was prescribed tablets for stress/anxiety which I've taken from the beginning, also was given tabs for depression but these gave me the screaming shites!!! So I stopped taking them and my doc gave me some different ones (well he didn't give me them, £8.40) I didn't take them initially, for two reasons.
1-worried about getting the shites again
2-stupid really but I didn't want to take them because of the 'stigma' attached to 'depression'. Me, depressed, your having a laugh were my thoughts.

But two things made me realise I HAD to take them, oc health at work said they would continue to support and help me, as long as I helped myself, meaning I've been prescribed drugs by a doctor but am refusing to take them.
The other thing was after my little foray to within feet of a 350ft drop I had to explain to my brother and his partner why I received a phone call at 10pm from the local mental health trust. My bro made me promise him I would start taking them. That's about a month ago now so if they do work they have had plenty of time to kick in!!

Work future you say! I don't have one. I'm being made redundant on the 25th most likely, but I'm actually quite cool about it for some strange reason. I know I have to provide a roof over my two lads heads and I have some savings that will enable me to pay the bills, all the bills as she is contributing nothing. I also know I have the support of my family if I need a bit more cash in the long term.
I had nearly 3 months off work, feb 11th till May 6th, although I tried twice to return in that time but ended up blubbing within 10 mins of getting there!!
I don't know how you feel about the crying part, men don't cry do they? But I'm 6ft tall and weigh 16 stone, and I don't mind admitting I cried rivers, it just came up from the pit of my stomach, no stopping it even if I wanted to, as I posted in the other thread even in a restaurant with my lads!! Don't be ashamed, it's a natural reaction, we wouldn't do it if we weren't meant to!

Edit: I could have pmd you this but I didn't for two reasons, I'm not ashamed to admit in public that I cry, and we might not be the only two depressed people on here!

Sorry but the bit about getting the shites made me smile. I'm struggling with the idea of being 'depressed', it's something that happens to other people isn't it? I'm normally a cheery chap so being unable to get out of a 'doom and gloom' frame of mind is difficult.
On the plus side, having a 'good' day Saturday makes me realise that I can be brighter, I even laughed at least once, and maybe that is why this is so frustrating. Laughing one minute, tears the next.

 

[Broughtonblue]

Sorry but the bit about getting the shites made me smile. I'm struggling with the idea of being 'depressed', it's something that happens to other people isn't it? I'm normally a cheery chap so being unable to get out of a 'doom and gloom' frame of mind is difficult.
On the plus side, having a 'good' day Saturday makes me realise that I can be brighter, I even laughed at least once, and maybe that is why this is so frustrating. Laughing one minute, tears the next.

So you laughed on Saturday, and smiled about me getting the shites!!! Just shows your face muscles still work, just need to exercise them a bit more
Don't ask me how to do this as it's taken me a long time to get mine working again, but I've learned they are NOT like normal muscles as in the fact the more you use them the stronger they get, the more you use them the stronger YOU get!!

Edit: that was by no way meant to be a 'pull yourself together' post, it's impossible. Only time will help

 

[cosmicbike]

On a bit of a downer today, which is odd as I managed a whole night in bed. Felt really tired and ended up asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours this morning. Really tense, had my first panic attack for a few days, and nearly ended up in tears in the pet shop (thankfully know them well enough...). Not done myself any favours Googling my suspected condition either.

 

[Arjimlad]

I don't know what to say - other than what helped me when I felt close to breaking down a couple of years ago ..

1. Recognise you are ill, it is not your fault and you are far from weak or alone/unusual. Seek help from your GP and chosen trusted friends.
2. Take time for yourself and be patient as you allow this trouble time to pass - it surely will.
3. Search for the good stuff and if you can't find any, make some of your own choosing. I printed off pictures of happy times & looked at them, reminding myself of how it feels to be happy & that there would be more times like that to look forward to.
4. I found I had to discipline myself when I started to spiral down - choose not to indulge the worst thoughts & do something else instead.

Bon courage !

 

[Broughtonblue]

On a bit of a downer today, which is odd as I managed a whole night in bed. Felt really tired and ended up asleep on the sofa for a couple of hours this morning. Really tense, had my first panic attack for a few days, and nearly ended up in tears in the pet shop (thankfully know them well enough...). Not done myself any favours Googling my suspected condition either.

Sorry to hear this, I really can't give any advice on your medical condition as I dont know anything about it. What I can say though is when googling things like this, we always tend to focus on the worst things we find out, and once we have found those unpleasant things out, we tend to stop seaeching for positives!! So now I make a point of not using Google to find a diagnosis, I leave that to the experts who I can actually talk to in person!

Depression on the other hand is something we can chat about, I'm not an expert or councellor, just a fellow sufferer who seems just a little further down the road to recovery than you are at the minute. NOTE, the word recovery!! You've read where I was in my life, I'm telling you where I am now. If the road im on was a motorway with 100 junctions. I'm probably at about junction 8/9 now. Where when I started I couldn't even get the bloody car into gear!
I've got a long long way to go on that motorway, with lots of twists and turns, I know it's not a straight road. Indeed there will be times when I can't see over the next hill, but I know the road continues, In time you will be following me on this road, I like to think my road will end at a beautiful beach, on a hot sunny day, with a nice cold celebratory beer there waiting for me so I can celebrate my achievement. It's nice to have goals, but small ones to start with, I'm really just concentrating on reaching the next junction still, I hope you will soon be in a place to join me on the motorway!
Thinking of you, as lots of us are

 

[DCLane]

I'm not an expert or councellor, just a fellow sufferer who seems just a little further down the road to recovery than you are at the minute. NOTE, the word recovery!! You've read where I was in my life, I'm telling you where I am now.

True - but you're progressing. A month ago people were wondering if you were OK and I even searched the list of recent suicides in Leicester *

* fortunately you weren't on it

 

[Scoosh]

YAY ! @Broughtonblue - what a brilliant post !

You have come so far and we are all so mightily relieved ! Looking outward, knowing where you are and where you are going and helping others with your story is wonderful !

Love the picture of the beach ... have you got it cut out and stuck on your fridge ?

 

[Broughtonblue]

Sorry don't want this to seem harsh because I'm very grateful for all you have done for me. But I feel like I'm hijacking @cosmicbike s thread.

I'm just posting on here to help him out

Please if anyone wants to praise me could you do it in 'my' thread please. Relationship one!

Again apologies if this upsets anyone, but someone who is suffering depression possibly doesn't want to feel like they are being cut out

Thanks

 

[mooseracer]

Just seen this @cosmicbike

Great words, advice and support on here to which I'd like to add mine - well, my support at least...not sure I have any great words or advice!

 

[Scoosh]

How's it going today @cosmicbike ?

We're all on tenterhooks - and they're beginning to hurt ...

 

[cosmicbike]

One day at a time. Saw my GP today and we're staying on the tablets for the foreseeable future. Looking forward to the weekend when I'll have the family around.