At My Lowest Ever

[cosmicbike]

Thank you to everyone who's given their time to reply, it really has helped. I've had the opportunity to talk to a couple of people who are not related but whom I know at a social level and they have all given similar advice, not to mention a shoulder to cry on (for which I've apologised..)
Each day has been different so far, following my breakdown at work on Friday and curling up in a ball at the bottom of the starts bawling like a baby (with 2 very worried dogs attempting to lick me better, bless them), a weekend of tears with my long suffering wife and 2 fabulous kids and yesterdays real low. I'm still not managing to sleep properly, and today started with stomach cramps and no appetite. I also drove today which was a challenge initially to get myself in the car, but ok once started. Had a great chat with my brother this evening that kind of put a few things in perspective, the World isn't ending just yet.

 

[Tin Pot]

I can only relate through some of my lowest points, not specifically to your situation.

Substitute "I" for "You" if you want it as advice, these are the things I usually use to steel myself on a bad day:

I will feel better than I do now, at some point in the future
I may have made mistakes often, but I have also often chosen the right path
I may not be the best, but I know I am not the worst
I will feel better than I do now, at some point in the future

I can't tell you how many times it's worked/proven itself over the decades.

I even have some "silver bullet" thoughts for those absolute rock bottom moments - somewhat ridiculous imaginings that distract me from the most terminal actions.

In fact, the more I type, the more I think I should reach out for help myself

As you say, the world is not, and never really is, ending...just yet

 

[BigonaBianchi]

I'm sorry to hear this.

This may be in hand,or not relevant in your situation, but it was in mine so I'll mention it in case it helps. If not just ignore it.

Your family (and the dogs! ) sound very supportive. They may also be confused, concerned, unsure, frustrated, and a whole load of other emotions. I thinks it may be important that they have the right advice/information as to why this is happening, so that they can support you through it, but also because they need to understand whats happening, so they can be strong for you. Sometimes if those around us don't understand what depression can do, they fill in thier own 'blanks', often leading to ill informed decisions, which can ultimatly be destructive to a family.

Perhaps your GP or whoever the appropriate person might be, might invite them to ask any questions they may have to re assure them etc??

Like I said, this may not be the case here,but it's a thought.

All the best.

 

[Trembler49]

The only advice I can offer us to seek a support group with the same condition. In my experience they have a greater pooled knowledge of the situation than any single GP.

 

[PeteXXX]

Another man hug from me as well Cosmic, along with a few slaps on he back for added support.

Personally, I admit that I honestly don't understand 'depression' having not suffered from it, but know it can be debilitating in the extreme. To be honest, it p*sses me off when people say they are depressed when all they've had is a bad day or a few too many bills drop through the letterbox. That's not 'depression', that's just 'life'.
Get proper professional help as soon as you can.

Just a thought, as you say work has been supportive, could HR not refer you to a workplace healthcare person? Are you in a Union? They should have access to similar help.

(in a manly way, obviously...)

 

[Mrs M]

Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time.
You have the care and support of "us lot" and a loving family and pooches too.
Hope things improve for you soon.
Best wishes x

 

[fossyant]

Best Wishes - do seek CBT and counselling as support - I'm doing it for long term pain. Helps you re-focus.

 

[Broughtonblue]

Hi mate
I've thought about whether to reply in this thread, because I'm going through the depression thing myself

https://www.cyclechat.net/threads/struggling-after-long-term-relationship-break-up.175911/

But the deciding factor that has made me reply is, just typing away on this forum and seeing the wonderful replies really helped, and if my reply helps you in anyway then that will be my payback to CC.

Depression is awful as I've found out. Never suffered from it before or known anyone who has so I felt totally cast adrift when diagnosed, but as others have said, talking, talking and more talking (typing as well) was and still is my biggest help.
I too like you broke down at work a few times, and did the curled up on the stairs thing blubbing like a baby and this made me feel as though I was being weak but it's all part of the situation, I also seriously considered the ultimate end, indeed I even walked to the edge of a cliff, that's how low things got for me, just last month!
And here I am now trying to help a fellow sufferer, I'm by no means 'cured' on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being 'normal' I'm probably about 3 now, but the terrible days are slowly being replaced by ok days, I've even had the odd day where I've felt good when I've been with incredible friends. I didn't have the support of my wife as she was the cause of my illness, but you have that, so cherish it and accept it with open arms, your family are the most important people in all this. I say illness because that's what it is, nobody can see it physically like a broken bone but it really is an illness.
I do drop back down, indeed last week was a bad one to start with but I now know that I will be up and down on a constant basis.
I'm on tablets for depression, anxiety and stress, which after a few weeks seem to have kicked in, but councelling was my saviour, just waffling to somebody felt good and gave me something to look forward too. My first depression tablets didn't work so my GP changed them.
I'm actually welling up now typing this as I realise I'm trying to help somebody else where as a month ago I was ready to end it all, what I'm saying is.... There is always a tomorrow, it might not seem like it sometimes but there is, but beware there will be bad days, indeed I could be posting in my own thread soon as I get terribly down still, especially at weekends, but the talking, talking and more talking helps!!!
I realise I'm waffling now so I'm going, but please feel free to PM me if you need a chat, I'm not saying I can help, but I can empathise with you.

 

[Slioch]

@Broughtonblue - You have no idea how happy it makes me feel to read this post from you. I have closely been following "your" thread from day one with deep concern. It's still early days yet I guess, but you seem to have turned a corner and are starting on the long journey back to the light.

@cosmicbike - Your turn now mate. If you're not already familiar with it, can I suggest you read through the thread Broughtonblue has linked to in his post above. It's fantastic that he now feels he can reach out to you, and you will get back to that point too. The key for both of you seems to be talking openly about what you are going through. Keep talking to your family, friends, councellors, and on here. There are some fantastic CC'ers on here who are more than willing to support you & anyone else, and are able to talk knowledgeably and from their own experiences about what you are going through.

Best wishes & good luck to both of you.

 

[Scoosh]

I am overwhelmed and really love CC and it's members when I read these 2 threads - it shows how much encouragement, support, passion, concern and love flows around this site. Sadly, it also shows how much pain there is around - but how many have come through it, are living to tell the tale and are prepared to do whatever it takes to help fellow cyclists, many of whom are complete strangers - just Usernames on a forum.

YAY CycleChat cyclists ! - you are tops !

 

[gavgav]

Keep cycling @cosmicbike if you can, as exercise has helped me avoid spiralling into a pit of depression over the past 3 or 4 years. Firstly during my own health problems and then through watching my mum die of Cancer.

I know of people who have had depression and the anti depressants do seem to help, but they take time and perseverance.

 

[cosmicbike]

I spent some time reading through @Broughtonblue thread last night, sounds rough fella, and I hope you stick at it.

Sat at home festering this morning, then had a moment before deciding the bike would help, so a brief pedal out to clear my head. Spoke to work who continue to be supportive, and going in for a chat next week about what to do. I need to get the work side of things sorted as that's what is dragging me down most, just the uncertainty. Once I get that sorted I've just got to deal with the illness....

 

[Mrs M]

I spent some time reading through @Broughtonblue thread last night, sounds rough fella, and I hope you stick at it.

Sat at home festering this morning, then had a moment before deciding the bike would help, so a brief pedal out to clear my head. Spoke to work who continue to be supportive, and going in for a chat next week about what to do. I need to get the work side of things sorted as that's what is dragging me down most, just the uncertainty. Once I get that sorted I've just got to deal with the illness....

Well done to you
For reading BB posts, going for a pedal and trying to plan ahead.
All the best. X

 

[Pat "5mph"]

Well done to both @Broughtonblue and @cosmicbike for not giving in!
Keep going guys, things can only get better for you

 

[Broughtonblue]

How you doing @cosmicbike ?
I've come through what I feared would be a difficult weekend pretty well I feel. It started off with me getting down on Friday but improved immensely over the course of the next couple of days.
If I can write that after getting as low as I did at one point there is hope for all of us sufferers!