Any poets, wordsmiths ?

[Marchrider]

I need a little verse to engrave on the back of a Swift Table (as in birds) that I am finishing off, the text will go on the underside

see this thread

it needs to be 150 to 160 characters to give the size I want, so it fits in the space
I have done the following but not sure its right, I'm no poet, so would like it critiqued (I have hidden it with a spoiler in case anyone wants to have a go from scratch)

Spoiler: my attempt

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful streaks where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Swift wings, a blur of grey,
Chasing insects in the air,
Summer's fleeting dance.

 

[gbb]

I need a little verse to engrave on the back of a Swift Table (as in birds) that I am finishing off, the text will go on the underside
View attachment 757474
see this thread

it needs to be 150 to 160 characters to give the size I want, so it fits in the space
I have done the following but not sure its right, I'm no poet, so would like it critiqued (I have hidden it with a spoiler in case anyone wants to have a go from scratch)

Spoiler: my attempt

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful streaks where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

Fabulous I think you have it yourself.
Those words reminded me of dad, he did poetry too. He'd have loved that.

 

[Mo1959]

I need a little verse to engrave on the back of a Swift Table (as in birds) that I am finishing off, the text will go on the underside
View attachment 757474
see this thread

it needs to be 150 to 160 characters to give the size I want, so it fits in the space
I have done the following but not sure its right, I'm no poet, so would like it critiqued (I have hidden it with a spoiler in case anyone wants to have a go from scratch)

Spoiler: my attempt

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful streaks where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

I like what you have.

 

[sevenfourate]

Reads great to me. And more importantly they’re your words !

 

[Dave 123]

“I lay birdwatching from my bed
A swift flew by an crapped on my head”

I’d stick with your effort!

 

[Drago]

There was a young fellow named Enus...

 

[Marchrider]

Reads great to me. And more importantly they’re your words !

they're not really, i've been prodding GBT (ai), and they are two bits I have cobbled together from its many attempts

its a bit stupid ai, it wanted to write about its wonderful bird song ! sounds more like an underground train with squealing brakes.

 

[Marchrider]

do you think 'Trails' or 'Patterns' instead of 'streaks' would work better ?
streaks is a negative word, streaks on windows, streaks on the bottom of the loo,

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful trails where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

 

[DRM]

Little bird soars through the air,
flys overhead how graceful you are,
straight overhead & shat on my car

 

[gbb]

do you think 'Trails' or 'Patterns' instead of 'streaks' would work better ?
streaks is a negative word, streaks on windows, streaks on the bottom of the loo,

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful trails where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

I guess trails perhaps sounds better, patterns does work too.
That said, I thought graceful streaks worked too.
As I tossed it round in my head I did think 'fleeting patterns ' worked, but fleeting is already used in the last line.

It all works IMO, it's just refining it to what you think fits best

 

[wafter]

My lovely swifts
Flying through the sky
Where are you going
With your feathers blowing
In the wind

Drop me a PM to discuss royalties - although be advised I don't get out of bed for less than a grand per use 👍

 

[Reynard]

do you think 'Trails' or 'Patterns' instead of 'streaks' would work better ?
streaks is a negative word, streaks on windows, streaks on the bottom of the loo,

Crossing continents and endless skies,
Graceful trails where the twilight lies.
Heaven's dancers swift and strong.
A fleeting glimpse and then they're gone.

I like that, but the metre isn't quite right. In part down to the different number of syllables per line. Perhaps this, with seven syllables per line, might work better:

Crossing seas and boundless skies
Painting trails where twilight lies
Heaven's dancers swift and strong
Brief the sight before they're gone

Or you could switch from rhyming couplets to alternative rhymes like you have in a sonnet, which would give you this:

Crossing Seas and boundless skies
Heaven's dancers swift and strong
Painting trails where twilight lies
Brief the sight before they're gone

 

[Gunk]

I knocked up this table on my Black & Decker Workmate
it took some time, and I worked quite late
the varnish is Ronseal, I think it’s oil based matt
That’s about it, I’ll get my hat

 

[Marchrider]

I like that, but the metre isn't quite right. In part down to the different number of syllables per line. Perhaps this, with seven syllables per line, might work better:

Crossing seas and boundless skies
Painting trails where twilight lies
Heaven's dancers swift and strong
Brief the sight before they're gone

Or you could switch from rhyming couplets to alternative rhymes like you have in a sonnet, which would give you this:

Crossing Seas and boundless skies
Heaven's dancers swift and strong
Painting trails where twilight lies
Brief the sight before they're gone

oh, now you seem to understand poetry, and that sounds good, in fact I like it a lot, wasn't sure about 'brief the sight' bit, but the wife thinks that gives it class ? not that either of us have ever understood poetry

may be a dozen characters short but I will faff about and make it fit somehow

since it is going round in a circle, would you use a comma or something else to distinguish the lines ? and should the text face inwards or like I have it outwards?

and huge thanks for your help, much appreciated!