Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
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Snow White thought 7Up was a drink, until she discovered Smirnoff.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
I thought cirrhosis was a cloud formation until I discovered Smirnoff.
NormanD
Lunatic Asylum Escapee
- Location
- Heworth the other side of life!
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Archie_tect
De Skieven Architek... aka Penfold + Horace
- Location
- Northumberland
What does a Spanish fireman call his twins?
Hose A and Hose B.
Hose A and Hose B.
Cubist
Still wavin'
- Location
- Ovver 'thill
My favourite version of this is she goes and sits next to a drunk on the bus, and the punchline is "I'll hold your kebab"
Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Granddads is?
5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard,
dick-head or w@nker anywhere on the way to school
5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.
That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!
"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard,
dick-head or w@nker anywhere on the way to school
machew
Veteran
A Defence lawyer meets with his client. 'The blood tests have come back and we have good news and bad news.' 'So, what's the bad news?' asks the defendant. 'Your DNA matches the blood found on the victim, the murder weapon, and the getaway car.' 'What's the good news?' asks the defendant. The lawyer replies, 'Your cholesterol is down to 120'.
A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing (including hat, scarf and gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads...
I looked like a right twat on the bus this morning!!!!
I looked like a right twat on the bus this morning!!!!
Leedsbusdriver
Every breath leaves me one less to my last
- Location
- West Yorkshire
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing!'
'She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Betty, the lady next door, and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked.
'You asked your neighbour?' he said.
'Yes.' the old man replied, 'and none of us could get the ******* jar open.'
The doctor gave him a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as empty as when he gave it to him.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.'
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing!'
'She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.'
'We even called up Betty, the lady next door, and she tried too - first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked.
'You asked your neighbour?' he said.
'Yes.' the old man replied, 'and none of us could get the ******* jar open.'
Ashtrayhead
Über Member
- Location
- Belvedere, Kent.
My girlfriend and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night. "Did you smell that food, it smelt incredible?" she said. Being the nice fellow I am, I thought: "Bugger it, I'll treat her!" So we walked past it again!
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other w@nker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another w@nker?"
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff". "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other w@nker using my stuff". She looked at me and said "What makes you think I'd marry another w@nker?"
This would be even funnier if it wasn't so true....
"lazy cow"(and yes it's acting)
View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA9t61PuiDc
"lazy cow"(and yes it's acting)
View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA9t61PuiDc
