Any good jokes ... ?

[Cubist]

Two guys drinking in a pub, and have spent the entire session discussing the barmaid's breasts. Last orders comes and one of them goes to the barmaid and orders "two pints of titter". He realises his mistake and apologises profusely to the barmaid who's heard it all before.

Taking the beers back to the table he tells his mate what has just happened. "That's what's called a freudian slip" says his mate. "That's where your mind is on one thing, and when you speak, what you are thinking about jumps into the converrsation."

"Oh," he said "I had another one of those this morning at breakfast. I meant to say 'Darling could you pass me the butter and the marmalade please?' but it came out as


'You've f*cking ruined my life you bitch.'"

 

[Cubist]

I don't know what all the fuss is about Tim Vine and the conjunctivitis joke. About two years ago it was www.optrex.com He wins awards for best gag and it was plagiarised and butchered FFS!

 

[Bayerd]

In a similar vein...
Yorkshireman in shop : "I'd like to buy some tights for the wife"
Assistant : "Sheer sir?"
"No"

In yet another similar vein, local in pub tonight (read me location) says 'Meet my dog, he's called Grieg'. Me 'Why is he called Grieg?'. 'Because he likes to 'Peer Gynt Suite''...

 

[Maz]

In yet another similar vein, local in pub tonight (read me location) says 'Meet my dog, he's called Grieg'. Me 'Why is he called Grieg?'. 'Because he likes to 'Peer Gynt Suite''...

Sorry, I don't get it .
And I'm from Sheffield.

 

[Archie_tect]

...his dog likes to pee against the [three piece] suite.
...wun't be called Grieg in our house... he'd be down at vets.

 

[Rezillo]

I don't know what all the fuss is about Tim Vine and the conjunctivitis joke. About two years ago it was www.optrex.com He wins awards for best gag and it was plagiarised and butchered FFS!

2004, even.

http://groups.google.com/group/uk.sci.weather/msg/719b9a247fd7a6ff

John

 

[Cubist]

Sorry, I don't get it .
And I'm from Sheffield.

pee agin' t'suite ..............

 

[Cubist]

2004, even.

http://groups.google.com/group/uk.sci.weather/msg/719b9a247fd7a6ff

John

Top googling!

 

[Rezillo]

Top googling!

No, I read the weather group and the author pointed it out yesterday

John

 

[Cubist]

No, I read the weather group and the author pointed it out yesterday

John

Thanks.

I'm occasionally accused of ranting about inconsequential things, but humour is an important part of my life. I like to be witty and spontaneous.Vine should give his award back, 1. Because his "joke of year" can be traced back 8 years and 2. Because he's a daffodil.

Rant over, thanks for helping me. I'm off to start an online petition.

 

[colly]

Mind you that is considered the ''best'' joke.Just goes to show how totally crap the rest were.

Who decided this nonsense anyway? I could Google it but I don't want to be spied on.

 

[strofiwimple]

A classic


A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

If the crash was in Ashington it would make "turtle" sense

 

[Cubist]

Mind you that is considered the ''best'' joke.Just goes to show how totally crap the rest were.

Who decided this nonsense anyway? I could Google it but I don't want to be spied on.

Lafta awards apparently.

Anyway, here's another daffodil that thinks it's his:
http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2012/02/11/14830/oi_tim!_thats_my_joke

 

[Cubist]

Who decided this nonsense anyway? I could Google it but I don't want to be spied on.

 

[strofiwimple]

Capello: We should'nt be surprised-he's not the first Italian to abandon a sinking ship.